To Thine Own Self Be True

One of my first "assignments" for school is to write a letter to myself that I can pull out if and when I get discouraged to help me remember why I wanted to pursue my college education in the first place...Super K, I've needed to write myself a letter for a long time anyway so I hope you don't mind if I incorporate your assignment into the one below:

Here goes...

Dear Self,

You've certainly taken the scenic journey to your college education, that's for sure. You started down this course 20 years ago with your college prep work in high school and graduation with honors. Do you remember that? Do you remember how going to college was pretty much a given? Do you remember being accepted to every college you applied to, do you remember the goals and dreams you had for yourself back then?

Life has a funny way of derailing the best laid plans sometimes, but take heart in knowing that God has you exactly where He wants you to be. A lot has happened since you last attended college. You got married, had three more kids, and moved 1400 miles from home to follow your husband's job to Colorado...only to find yourself and your children living in a daily hell. You finally found the strength, courage, and confidence to leave him but ensuring safety required you run away from home and start all over.

Do you remember how many times you prayed for a "do-over" while you were living in hell? Do you remember pleading with your Heavenly Father for an opportunity to do things different? Do you remember begging Him for the chance to go back to school and finish your education? I remember and I'm here to tell you that you have been given a great gift despite the difficulty. Your Heavenly Father has heard your prayers and is answering them, even if you can't always see how.

You have been given the opportunity of a lifetime; a chance to "make it right". Don't blow it this time!!! I know you're going to get discouraged, I know you're going to want to quit sometimes but, may I remind you, you don't quit ANYTHING very well. No reason to start doing so now, is there?

When it's difficult and you feel like giving up, please remember why this college education is so important to you. Please look at the precious faces of your beautiful children. That's likely all it will take to remember. Think about how getting your degree can change their circumstance, how it will absolve you of any financial dependence on Ex Knight, and how NOT having it is the one thing you've always regretted. Think about how miraculous getting into school was in the first place. I KNOW that you DO NOT believe in chance or coincidence so I implore you not to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Show your gratitude to your Heavenly Father for having given you this opportunity by excelling. You've taught your children that anything worth doing is worth doing well; here's another chance to lead by example.

You aren't afraid of things just because they are difficult. I mean just look at what you've been through the last few years. I know that you have struggled, but I also know that struggle hasn't been in vain. You have a great support system. You have countless masses that believe in you and want to see you succeed. Allow our belief in you to buoy you when you lack the ability to believe in yourself.

You love what you do. You love web design and animation. It's always been your favorite part of your job. You are creative beyond words. You are smart, talented, and capable. All that you need to be successful is already inside you because you are a child of God. Never forget that...even when a class is challenging and you want to give up. Need I remind you that you give up about as easily as you quit?

You have always valued the most what you've worked the hardest to get. I mean giving birth sure was work wasn't it? Your college degree will be no different...it will take a lot of work and perhaps even some sacrifice to obtain, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. I know that you know "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." You and I both know you have been called to HIS purpose, now act accordingly. With hard work, dedication, and the spirit of excellence you have about you, you will soon realize your dream of a college degree and better life for your children.

You CAN do this! I believe in you!

The power of ONE word

Many many years ago in a galaxy far far away there was a high school. In that high school there was a teacher, an English teacher actually. On that teacher's desk was a poster I vaguely remember. Something about how one word could spark a million or something like that. I began thinking about that poster recently after a conversation I had with my Bishop turned into an event that will forever alter my circumstance.

Allow me to explain...

Two weeks ago I was meeting with my Bishop to plead for financial assistance, sadly something I have to do more often than I would like given current my current economic status, and we were talking about what could be done to change my circumstance. The financial dependence I still have on Ex Knight is infuriating most of the time but ESPECIALLY when he fails to pay the amount of support he is supposed to pay and my children suffer as a result.

"Go get a job!" you say right?!?!? Easier said that done when you have no verifiable work experience and no education and are trying to find employment in an economy such as ours....anyway back to the story.

So the Bishop and I are sitting in his office and he counsels me to pursue education. I explain that I've tried but I can't find an accredited program in the field I want with an online option at a price I can reasonably afford to pay back anywhere. The Bishop then says he KNOWS they are out there and I need to keep looking for "regionally accredited online degree programs". That one word - regionally - has made all the difference.

Once I began searching for REGIONALLY accredited on-line degree programs I found the perfect fit. I was so impressed by what I saw (and remember I don't impress easily when it comes to colleges) on their website I clicked on the chat to speak to a live person. Soon I was asking that live person more questions than they could answer and I was transferred to the man who would later become my admissions counselor. Super K is what we'll call him, because I think he is just that...super!!

Super K and I spoke on the 8th of this month and he encouraged me to prepare for a January entrance. I was hoping I might be able to attend in April but that January entrance was sitting in the back of my mind eating away at me. The sooner I go to school, the sooner I can get a credential, the sooner I get that credential, the more employable I am, the more employable I am, the sooner I can eliminate any degree of financial dependence on Ex Knight.

Super K sends me an invitation to the school's placement test...they call it an assessment but REALLY we all know it's a test and the application and I drag my heels a lil about getting it done. Finally I go ahead and take the TEST (Super K you guys really need to call it what it is...a TEST) and Super K calls me with my results. Being somewhat of a brainiac, I'm sure I've done ok, but it IS a test and I've been out school a long time so my skills are a lil rusty. Super K informs me I have knocked it out of the park, scoring in the top 10% of test takers and when I come to school in January (he was bent on the January date for some reasons...Super K do you get a bonus or something for having a certain amount of students enrolled for Winter quarter?!?!?) I can go straight into my degree program! WUHOWWW!!!! I was THRILLED.

Now the only obstacle was finding the monies to go. I immediately began praying that if attending this school at this time was what Heavenly Father wanted for me and mine, the obstacles would be removed and asked a few people I know to be vigilant prayer people to do the same. I am here to tell you God answers prayers because one by one the obstacles came tumbling down and I will be attending school, as Super K pushed for, in January! I still can hardly believe it!

The program I found has the same accreditation as one of the big state schools where I live, the cost of tuition includes books and software, I can test out of classes, (which I will TOTALLY be doing for College Algebra and a few others), my current tuition rate stays locked if I take 4 classes a quarter, and whether I take 16 credits a quarter or 24, I'll only pay for 16! It's almost too good to be true isn't it?!?!? I thought so too, but found another student in an online program at the school who says no, it's not...it is indeed THIS good!

I'm THRILLED!!!! I cannot wait. Just ask Super K, he'll tell you how I've been a pain in his neck! So, here's the plan...test out of 7 credits, two quarters of 5 classes, two quarters of 6 classes and then throw a big ole party to celebrate the achievement of my Associate's Degree. That leaves just 88 more credits for my Bachelor's Degree...another 2 quarters of 5 classes and 2 of 6 and then an even bigger party as I celebrate having earned my Bachelor's Degree. The only regret I've ever lost sleep over finally resolved!

All this, because of the power of ONE word...regionally. I am so grateful to the inspired counsel from a loving Bishop, Super K for believing in me enough to push me for a much earlier entrance, and most importantly, for my Heavenly Father who cleared the obstacles out of the way to make this long time dream a reality!

160 miles = million dollar memories

Throughout this entire process, the one thing that has bothered me is all the family my children have essentially "lost" or effectively been distanced from due to Ex Knight's poor choices. The Mini's fear what will happen if Ex Knight ever learns where we are and his family is like the Mafia without the organized crime. If they tell one of his people where they are, it will spread quicker than wild fire and soon he will know our whereabouts. He claims that all the threats he made were done in anger and he'd never act out on them but he's said one thing and done another enough times that claim has no merit. Better to exercise caution in all things Ex Knight related I think.

Anyway...so here a while back the kids had a 4 day weekend. I decided to make a road trip. I come from a HUGE family...my mother's parents had 8 kids, my father's parents had 5. I have 11 aunts and uncles...you can imagine the cousins I have. Not all of whom have met my children!!! On this extended weekend, I decided it was time to make a road trip. Some of my cousins now have their own families and it was great fun getting to introduce our children to each other.

I was moved to tears seeing the light and joy present in the eyes of my children as they played with their 2nd cousins and their parents and I. We laughed and laughed and laughed over those 4 days and the Mini's forged new relationships with family that have likely left an indelible impression on their hearts and minds and I am thankful for the opportunity to have made the journey.

Due Influence

We hear about what happens when people exercise undue influence over others all the time right? This influence is usually negative in nature. It's the sort of thing you see when someone uses undue pressure to gain a desired result. Bosses can do it when they pressure an employee to perform outside their job description, family can do it when they are trying to get an elderly parent to write a will that benefits them, and abusive men are the MASTER of this negative behavior. They have it down to an art form.

What about though, DUE influence then...it conversely must be the opposite then right?!?!? This morning, as I start the "getting ready for church" process, I found myself reflecting on something I heard earlier this week. Let me explain a little.

Children of the LDS persuasion once 8, begin attending bi-weekly activities at Church. Scouts for boys, Activity or Achievement Days for girls. Last week at this event, I had a conversation with a valiant spirit. I was whining (yes even grown ups whine sometimes too) about how exhausting it is to now be the mom of the kids everyone wants to hang out with. I went on to explain how knock out drag out fights have been started over who these kids do and don't play with and how it's uncommon anymore these days for me not to have 1-5 extra kids or more on any given day in the week. Mr. Valiant said a lot of amazing stuff but namely he counseled me to never underestimate the DUE influence I can have in the lives of these children.

Today, I became aware of just how important such an influence is. I have GREAT kids. I'm biased a little I know, but I also know that I have been lucky to be blessed with such amazing spirits. Their school principal says any educator would be honored to have them in their building, cashiers at Wally World, our second home, comment on how well behaved they are, their friends' parents ask me how I do it, and the list goes on and on of the positive feedback I get regarding them.

So, these good kids have befriended a special set of children. Eleven year old fraternal twins, and their four year old little sister. These three kids spend more time at my house than they do theirs I think. Last night, the twins wanted spent the night so they could come to church with us. This means I've had extra kids overnight for more days in a row than I can remember. This morning though, we woke to find paramedics at the twins' apartment. Their mom isn't doing so well and is going to the hospital so please pray for her. Her children and fiance really need her!

Without a question, I volunteered to take the 4 year old to church with us today so that the fiance can just focus on taking care of Mom. As I sat in my office checking in on Facebook and email and ease dropping on the kids' conversations, I again became reminded of Mr. Valiant's statement about influence.

Though I haven't always had "due influence" on my children, I certainly do now. This influence is proving to have long reaching effects. They then, exercise due influence with their friends and now my place is the coolest place on the block. We have had the Elders over to meet these kids' parents and they've been taught a few discussions. For some reason though, it is often more difficult for adults to accept the truth than it is children and we can't get the parents to church. Today though, I am using my DUE INFLUENCE to take three more precious spirits to church and I am thankful to have the opportunity to do it.

Morbid beauty

Yesterday I accompanied a handful of other parents on what must be the strangest field trip EVER. Mini 2 and the the 5th graders in her school went to a cemetery. Yes, you read correctly. I did say we took a field trip to the cemetery. At first it was kind of creepy but I guess there are some notables buried there and that would have made it "fun", but the rain prevented us from checking out them out.

Here are some of the pictures I took:

The angel on this headstone is made with so much detail her skirt almost looks like it's real fabric.

I forget what the world is called but this is one of my favorite shrines.

The Gerrard's final resting place...have no idea who they are I just liked this building.

We all thought this looks lice ice and think it might glow at night.

"Bless the Master Mason's who give us heritage." ~ I took this photo because of my connection to the Fraternal Order of Masons.

Another of my favorite grave markers.

One of I think 15 lakes on the 400 acres that comprise the "developed" portion of the cemetery.

One of very few red granite headstones.

Who needs vengeance when you can have vindication?

FINALLY, I have been vindicated. At the behest of Mini 3, Ex Knight and I are now pretending (insert trying, attempting, agreeing, if you prefer) to be friends. The magic of technology allows me to block my number and call him (safety first) without revealing where my own unique spot on the map is and since Mini 3 asked if she could call her father well, he and I have had a few of "those" conversations. Today's though...it had to be the best.

Ex Knight FINALLY accepted AND admitted that it wasn't our marriage that failed, it was HIM that failed. His admission went on to include confirmation of my deep seated notion that, assuming he could be 5 again when we all still got "do-overs", he'd do some things over. He went on to explain that he has now realized he needed to grow up and, though I'm not convinced at present, he swears he's spent the last couple years doing just that. Too bad it only took losing his marriage and family for him to figure it out.

I still feel sorry for him...I can't help it. It's so very unfortunate that his choices cost him the relationship he had or hoped to have with his kids (even if it turns out that's only temporary). I also feel sorry for my children. It's equally unfortunate that in order for them to enjoy the life they now lead, he had to be taken out of the equation. It must be dreadfully painful to know you may not ever talk to, let alone see, your children ever again. But then again, some lessons are harder to learn than others and sometimes mistakes only need to be made once. I hope, when it comes to Ex Knight, he has truly learned his lesson and that this will be one mistake he never has to make again. Perhaps in time, when enough of it has passed, the Minis will be able to build a safe and secure bridge to their father and give him permission to cross it.

I cannot even BEGIN to explain how great it made me feel to hear Ex Knight admit what I've known for YEARS. I mean just knowing it felt good too. Hearing him actually TELL ME (without provocation I might add) that he was to blame and he'd do it different if he could do it over and KNOWING that it no longer matters to me one way or the other if he would have done things different or not...well yeah that has just left me feeling vindicated...FINALLY.

"I the Lord am bound

when ye do what I say" says Doctrine and Covenants 82:10. And, if you've ever had a temple recommend interview you know one of the things you are asked is "are you honest in your dealings?". I believe the Lord requires us to be honest and blesses us when we are.

Recently, my kids and I were involved in a car accident. It's been a painful two weeks as we've struggled to "feel better" and deal with the pain until we do. The other driver has the minimum insurance our state requires and well, you know how insurance companies can be right? Anyway so in telling the details of our accident to people, many have suggested I hire an attorney and laugh all the way to the bank. I, however, am not looking for a huge payout. I want what I had BEFORE the other driver made the mistake she did....a reliable vehicle, pain free living, and ok I'll be honest...a lil retail therapy might go a long way in helping me forget about the pain I've suffered, but my point is I'm not looking to "get rich" or take her insurance "to the cleaners".

I believe when you do the right thing, just because it's the right thing, the Lord will bless you. Apparently I must be pretty accurate in my thoughts because I've just received the most glorious blessing.

Poor Jazz...he's been totaled out and will be sold as salvage. I will miss him that's for sure. He gave my children and I some much needed freedom and independence and took a big hit so we didn't have to. Yes he leaked when it rained, yes he had more rust than an iron nail in water, yes he was tiny and long trips were rough on my knees but he was ours and we were sad to see him all crunched up.

On the 1st, her insurance called me with an offer for my car...$1100 plus tax and title...I paid $1200 for Jazz and asked he at least give me that...he agreed. The next call, then, was to Ward Car Guy.

I explained to Ward Car Guy that I should have a check for Jazz in the next week or two and could he please be on the look out for a new car for me. I fully expected to be out of a car for a while once taking the rental back. I mean, the chance of finding a decent car for the $1200 I was getting for Jazz just didn't seem possible really. I figured I'd have to spend some of the monies I'm sure to get in the settlement on a vehicle and was gearing up to be without wheels for a while. And then...the Lord kept his part of the deal....remember "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say," like being honest and doing the right thing just because it's the RIGHT thing.

Ward Car Guy calls me back that night and informs me he's just bought a new truck and he has a 2000 Ford Taurus he's willing to sell me. He goes into an explanation about what is or isn't wrong with it (he could take a body and a box of parts and build a car) and then says something like how he could get a lot more for the car than what he's gonna ask I give him for it but he'll give it to me for 1200, I can have it Friday and if that doesn't work well then he'll go ahead and look for other options.

WILL THAT WORK??? Ummmmmmmmmmm let's see.....buy a car for the EXACT same price as I'm getting for my totaled car. Buy it from a church member who I KNOW I can count on to be honest PLUS one who ALSO knows all things car and be confident I'm going to get a GOOD car, or take a chance I'd get another car that would allow me to take a shower and drive in the rain all at the same time? Oh wait, I forgot...he also said I could take possession of the car now and we'd work out the paperwork once I got my check from the insurance. What an incredible blessing this is for the Minis and I. Thanks so much Ward Car Guy, we appreciate you!