Your Marvelously Masked Marauder

2010-10-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not MIA I promise, I've just decided to move all of my blogs to WordPress.

Please visit my new blog location at
http://faithfulecreations.wordpress.com.

The home page now features my craft projects. To view what's going on in my life, you'll want to click on Live Faithfule link. To view this page though, you will need a password. If you would like to receive said password, please comment on this post and I will contact you individually.

Look Up I Say Look Up

2010-04-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

Once again I have had the chance to attend a Time Out For Women weekend. This is going to become my new habit I think. So much of my life is chaotic and this last week has been one I could have lived a million lifetimes without ever having had to endure but endure it I did. After the horrible start to the week, followed by an even worse midweek I was ready for it to come to an end. What I wasn't quite ready for though is for it to come to an end quite the way it did. I attended TOFW last year too so I thought I was prepared...guess that's what I get for thinking cuz um...yeah sorry so wasn't prepared.

Where was I headed next...lemme think...sorry my thoughts are still a little scattered right now. Oh yeah so Friday afternoon just moments before needing to walk out the door to join the girlies for TOFW 2010 I discover something that just leaves me feeling violated and angry all over again and I told Verizon I didn't even want to go. Go I did and I am so glad.

The drive up, or is it over? Over and up maybe? The drive to our TOFW venue taught me a couple of lessons. Adult women, when away from kids and husbands and crazy neighbors are really just teenagers in bigger bodies. We laughed and giggled and screamed in surround sound! It was so much fun. We arrive in the heart of the city and proceed to find our hotel but instead drive around and around and around and around and around and maybe around again. Finally we decide to just park and get our get our hind parts over to the convention center. As luck would have it, I wound up with FRONT ROW seats WOOT!

I need to back up a little bit though...back to that around and around thing. We couldn't find that dang hotel anywhere no matter how what we did. Being women we even stopped and asked for directions, but still couldn't find the hotel. As we left the parking garage and headed to the convention center we were forced to look up..or maybe we just naturally looked up...and right there in front of us just one block away was the hotel.

That experience kept coming to me over and over throughout the event but I didn't quite get it until Mercy River performed their closing song and after the last lyric was sung, they all stood there so beautifully heads lifted to the heavens. They looked up and then, at that precise moment in time, I knew where the prompting came from...

Had we have just looked up, we would have known the hotel was on our right and not our left. Had we have just looked up, we'd have known exactly how to get to where we wanted and needed to be, but it never occurred to us I guess and we remained off course.

I'm sure I'm the only one that this happens to, but when I'm down and discouraged the muscles in the my neck forget their function and my head drops. I find I look down way more than I do up. The plus side of this though is I do get to see a lot of fabulous shoes! I have always thought it was because maybe I wanted to hide the emotion in my face from those around me or because it is easier to pretend nothing's wrong when you don't make eye contact with people or the strange medical phenomenon that happens in my neck or a million other things. Or maybe, I look down to hide from the one person ready and willing and fully capable of helping me. It didn't occur to me that perhaps this was a the exact opposite of what I should be doing...looking up. Look up I say, look up.

Look Up I Say, Look Up

©Masked Marauder

When you can't see around the next bend

let alone the road's end

LOOK UP

When the light disappears from your day

and darkness appears intent to stay

LOOK UP

When you lose control and find doubt

when you feel stuck with no way out

LOOK UP

When you are out of courage and hope

when you lack the strength to even cope

LOOK UP

When you are surrounded by people yet you feel alone

when you want to just crawl under a big stone

LOOK UP

When you feel insecure and afraid

and wonder if you should have stayed

LOOK UP

When you find yourself weak

and unable to find any words you can speak

LOOK UP

Look up I say, look up to Him who knows

in His perfect like everything glows.

Look up to Him for courage and find strength

for your redemption he's suffered great length.

Look up to Him and find directions for life

certain to provide comfort no matter what your strife.

Look up I say, look up no matter how dark the day

look up and he'll show you the way.

It needs some work I know....

How many times in our lives do we drift a bit off course and look down or sideways instead of up? How many times do our struggles seem to difficult to bear and we lose our hope and our courage and our strength for no other reason than we fail to look up? How many times do we need answers and look to our friends, neighbors, family, the Internet, food, addiction, shopping, education, music, etc for the answers; answers that are often incorrect?

What if, instead of circling over and over in the wrong direction we'd have just pulled over and looked up to our Heavenly Father for his wisdom and guidance? Do you think He could have told us we were just a block off course and shown us exactly how to get where we needed to be? Do you really think He cares about us enough to help in all the little things? Of course, but then I wouldn't have had the inspiration to write this blog now would I?

How they know

2010-04-04T06:04:00.001-07:00

So I posed some questions to my children: "Do you know I love you by what I say or by what I do" and "What do I say or do that makes you KNOW I love you...here are their replies:

Mommy's Boy says: I know you love my by what you do. You kiss my owies, you hug and kiss me, you protect me and keep me safe, you give me courage to be the better person and walk away when people are being mean, and sometimes you let us outside without tickets. You let us go to friends' houses when we're supposed to be doing our chores. You also say that you love us and show that you love us. You do the best as you can at being a mom. You discipline us. You buy us movies and that's all.

Sass Master says: I know you love me by what you do and say. You take me to Panera by myself, you snuggle with us, you let us watch t.v. when we're supposed to be doing chores, you take us to the park and the zoo and you take us places we've never been. You tell us to keep our head up and you take us to scrapbooking stores and scrapbook with us. You let us have a kitty kat, you buy us fishies and give us packets so we can not be bored at General Conference and you let me share a room with you.

Come-back Queen says: I know you love us because you care for us. You let us go outside when we're not supposed to, you take us to church, you teach us the gospel, you provide for us by giving us food, clothes, and a place to live, and you struggle to make it so we can get stuff. You share almost everything with us, you worry about us more than you worry about yourself, you try and take us swimming, and you try and give us as many vacations as you can. You create stuff for us like the amazing wall we have.

How will they know I love them

2010-03-08T01:10:00.000-08:00

One of the silly songs my kids and I sing together comes from Enchanted. Giselle asks Richard how Nancy knows he loves her and then breaks into song. "How does she know that you love her? How do you show her you love her?" As I evaulate my curtain circumstance, I find myself asking this question a lot when it comes to my children.

Will they know I love them because:

I dole out consequences for bad behavior or give them room to make mistakes so they can grow? Or maybe they'll know I love them because I insist on teaching them to fish versus just giving them one. Will they know I love them because of the sacrifices I've chosen to make for them? Or will they know because I tell them over and over? Will they know I love them because I endure despite the difficulty, because I refuse to give up, because I have gone to great lengths to keep them safe, because I am trying to get college over and done as fast as I can so I can find a job capable of supporting them all on my own? Will they know I love them when, thinking they are all asleep, I finally allow myself to cry and they hear me? Will they know I love them when I sleep as much a week as most people sleep in 3 or 4 days and can be grumpy as a result? Will they know I love them when they realize that sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me going??

There are so many questions I have like this, but the ones that often cause me to lose sleep at night are these:

Will they know I love them when:

I stayed in an abusive marriage way longer than I should have?

I kept doors open that I should have not only locked but thrown away the keys to?

I lose my temper and yell at them?

I can't always be at every school function?

I've cried tears I should have hidden from them but didn't?

I chose to work and go to school both giving me less time to spend playing with them?

I have to say no way too often and yes not often enough?

I couldn't trust enough to give my heart to someone again?

I tried and failed?

I've made mistakes and forgotten to say I'm sorry?

I've gotten mad at them for no reason?

I don't know how they'll know, I honestly don't. I just hope that somehow they are able to know and understand how deep the love I have for them goes and that they'll be able to forgive me for all the mistakes I've made and all the ones I'm likely going to make in the future.

Personal Narrative

2010-01-12T09:57:00.001-08:00

Week 2 assignment in English Comp. Enjoy!

November 10th, 1991 is a day I will never forget and not just because it is my sister's birthday. It is the day I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My life has never been the same since. While I can't recall all the details of my actual baptism, I can recall what led up to this decision. Whenever I remember these events, they play out in technicolor in my head.

You see, I had been raised in a baptist church. The local church bus came to pick us up real early on Sundays and we got back late in the afternoon. My mother found it the perfect daycare situation and we were on that bus every week, whether we wanted to go or not. Every week the preacher got up and talked about why all the others denominations of Christianity were wrong and every week I listened. At the know-it-all age of 16, I approached my pastor with some specific theology questions. None of them he had answers for and I decided I wouldn't be attending church there or anywhere else until I found answers.

Time went by without much thought to the conversation I had with him until about a year later when my sister called me and told me she was getting baptized. I remember my response vividly. I said to her "what do you mean baptized, you are Catholic and have been sprinkled already." It was then that she informed me she had decided to change her religion and was getting baptized into the LDS church. I dropped the phone and FLIPPED out for real. Granted I knew NOTHING of how LDS people believed, I just remember my minister telling me their belief system was wrong. Sadly, I refused to attend her baptism; it is one of very few things I wish I'd have done differently.

Shortly after her baptism, we were traveling to a friend of mine's house. To get there, it required we drive right past the Portland Temple. To my dismay, my sister asked "isn't the temple right around here?" Before I knew it, we had deviated from the original course and were now on our way to the temple. I was angry, scared, and convinced we were going to hell. My sister and the boyfriend she had at the time got out of the car and didn't even ask if I wanted to come with them to walk the grounds. I figured if we were all going to hell for being there anyway, we might as well go together and quickly joined them.

The first thing I noticed was how quiet the grounds were. The Portland Temple is situated just off a major section of interstate. I could throw a rock from temple grounds into the highway if I wanted and yet, on temple grounds, the traffic is barely audible. After walking around the entire building I was willing to admit only one thing: it was absolutely beautiful. We got to the door of the temple and a woman dressed in white opened the door. Because I was the only one appropriately dressed, she only extended the invitation to come inside the building to me. There was NO WAY I was going in there. Are you KIDDING me. Heaven only knows what these people would do to me once they got me in there. I started backpedaling and my sister looked at me with her beautiful sad brown eyes as if to say "please sister, I'd do it for you" and I though I did demand they send search and rescue in for me if I wasn't out in 10 minutes, I relented.

When I stepped onto the foyer's carpet the first thing I noticed was how velvety soft and padded it was. I imagine walking on this carpet must be what it feels like to walk on clouds. Everything was so simple and elegant. It was just beautiful, too beautiful to even begin to describe. Off the foyer is a garden room. The walls are marble and the ceiling is glass. Large flower beds provide sanctuary to an array of vegetation. I remember the orchids and bamboo because it was so uncommon to see things thing in Portland in October. I found a bench to sit on and just sat there thinking and reflecting and embracing the spirit of the temple. I looked through the glass ceiling of the temple at the spires and statue atop the temple in awe. And the peace, oh how I remember the peace. My life was in a little bit of turmoil at the time and here, in this building I never wanted to be in in the first place, I was finding perfect peace. After what my sister reports to be about 45 minutes or more, I finally returned to her and her boyfriend. The first thing she said was "wow her entire countenance is different."

We never made it to my friend's house that night. Instead, we went back to our apartment and I had a long involved conversation with my sister's missionaries. We talked all night and I came to an agreement. If they had detailed answers to my questions, I would let them teach me about their faith. As promised, the missionaries had the answers I had been seeking and 10 days later I was baptized. Now, some 18 years later, I have no idea where I would be today had it not been for this experience. Without this experience, I'm not sure I'd have ever joined the LDS church and without the LDS church, I don't know where I'd be.

Meet Gregor

2010-01-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

My first writing assignment in English Comp was to write a one page description of a character for a reading assignment we were given named Gregor. I had to answer what color he was, how many eyes, mouths, and teeth he had, did he have wings, how big he was, what his body looked like and what his voice sounded like. Here is my submission:

“Am I well and do I need anything?” thought Gregor. No, no he was not well indeed.

Standing just 27 inches tall and weighing 10 pounds, what Gregor lacked in size he certainly made up for in heart. Gregor’s heart was so big, his chest would glow a faint shade of green with each beat. When he was excited or in the presence of someone he loved, his heart would beat so rapidly the faint glow of green was constant. Gregor’s glow was constant most of the time and he was often ridiculed for it, but Gregor’s big heart was not the problem this time.

Like each member of his family, he was purple from head to toe and his skin felt like velvet. He had the traditional overly large head of those around him and two of his three eyes were red. The third, the one that could actually see into the very soul of people, was a soft shade of blue. This soft color made people want to get lost in Gregor’s gaze and that’s what enabled him to see their soul.

Gregor’s two legs made up more than half of his total stature and his tiny torso barely had room for his three sets of arms. The hands on each arm contained different digits, allowing Gregor to do a variety of tasks. The hands on the arms closest to his head contain a thumb and forefinger on each hand. This allows just enough dexterity for holding and picking up things. The hands on the middle set of arms contain one thumb and two fingers and serve to further allow Gregor to pick up and hold objects. The hands on his last sets of arms contain a thumb and 6 fingers and allow him to do just about anything. Gregor never has to ask for anyone to give him a hand because he has all of them he needs.

His wide-eyed toothless grin and glowing heart has had people falling in love with him for years. He was the only son in a family of 33 children and everyone was waiting patiently to for his tail to develop. Males of Gregor’s species develop tales in adolescence. The color of these tales is used to determine the primary function of each member of the species. Gregor’s family was hoping his tale would be gold. This would mean Gregor was destined for leadership among his people. His family had been waiting for weeks with no signs of an emerging tail; each of them grew more and more concerned.

On this morning, the unthinkable happened. Gregor successfully fooled his mother into accepting his normal deep voice but in all reality, Gregor’s voice had developed and unusually high pitch to it. It bore quite a resemblance to the sound made by speakers when a microphone is too close and this caused Gregor much concern. Only the female half of his species had voices like this.
In the quiet recesses of his room, Gregor tried to clear his throat hoping this high pitched tone was the byproduct of something being stuck in his throat. No matter what he tried though, his deep baritone voice was gone and he wasn’t sure he could face his family. To make matters worse, instead of a tail having developed, Gregor now had black wings. Wings were exclusively reserved for women. Wings were a necessary appendage on the female portion of Gregor’s specie. Like many human women, the women of Gregor’s specie often had way more to do than they had time to do it and wings allowed them to flitter to and fro diminishing the travel time between tasks. Gregor could not believe he had wings and felt betrayed by the parents he loved. So much so that his heart no longer glowed green constantly while in their presence. Somebody certainly had some explaining to do.

Having been raised a boy his entire life, these new physical changes made him anything but well and he needed a lot, but how would he dare begin to explain this to his sister let alone face her?

Human Resources

2010-01-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

For my Success Strategies course I am to write about the "human resources" I have to support me in my educational goals. The instructor identifies these people as those outside school who support me when I face challenges. Specifically, I've been instructed to answer the questions "how do they help you when you have challenges?" and "if you have an issue, how will your resources be of assistance?"

I am blessed to have many human resources; it would be impossible for me to list them all by name. Here are some of the ones I rely on most, in mostly random order:

The Minis: They are my first source of unyielding support and they are the reason I'm even doing this whole school thing all over again in the first place. They help me when I have challenges in a few different ways. First, they do more around the house for me so I have more time to focus on school. Sass Master has learned to cook and can pretty much follow any recipe and together her, Come-back Queen and Mommy's Boy (new names for them) do almost all of the chores in the house. Sass Master is also pretty professional on the phone, so she can take a good message when the phone rings and I'm studying and she can make appointments or cancel them for me as I need as well. They can't do anything for me when facing a school specific challenge, but their love for me and belief in me keeps me encouraged. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me encouraged.

Verizon: I think she has been my biggest supporter my entire life. She has always been the one to believe in me, even when I'm doing wrong and even when no one else does. She tells me on a daily basis how proud of me she is and her support has always been invaluable. Already she has helped me get through a few challenges in Anatomy and Physiology. She is always there to offer an encouraging word, text, or IM just at the precise moment I need to hear it. We were talking about this class this morning and she pointed out that she thought it was good for me to be challenged by this course (unlike her, I do not enjoy science nor does it enjoy me) because none of the others are. She remembered/reminded me that without a challenge, I get bored and when bored, I lose drive. I cannot afford to be bored my first quarter in school. Additionally, because Verizon has gone to school with me in the past, she knows the caliber of my intellect and has already reminded me that, while it may take a more focused effort, I am smart enough and talented enough to get my head around A & P. If I have an issue, Verizon will help engage my brain and problem solve a solution with me if that engagement isn't enough to help me solve the issue on my own. Everyone should have a human resource like Verizon in their school or life supplies!

Bear: In the dictionary, when you look up "unconditional love" there should be a picture of my brother Bear. He is one of the most incredible men I've ever known. He's one of those people who makes you feel better just by being around him. A hug from him often fixes everything that's wrong in my world, even if it's only temporary. Bear helps me respond to challenges by keeping everything nice and laid back. Sometimes I struggle and face challenges simply because I get bent out of shape over something or caught up in worrying about it. Bear is as cool as ice. He doesn't ever seem to get his "cage rattled" and I'm not sure I've ever even HEARD about him being angry, let alone seen him lose his cool. Often all it takes to solve the problem is a cool head and Bear has helped me get mine back more than once.

Daddy: My Daddy is the wisest, smartest man I know. He and I have had some very heavy and intensely deep personal conversations. I mean he IS my Dad after all. The way my Daddy helps me respond to challenges is to believe in me and remind me that my Heavenly Father loves and believes me even more than he does. This is HUGE. I would suggest that, aside from my son, no man loves me as much as my Daddy does. I know he loves me by what he does for me, what he says to me, and how he uses his influence and love for the benefit of me and the Minis. When he reminds me that my Heavenly Father loves me even more and before I was Daddy's daughter, I was first Heavenly Father's daughter, it helps me appreciate my worth. Like Sass Master IS her mother's daughter, I am my Heavenly Father's daughter. All that He is, I have the capability of being and often this gentle reminder from my Daddy is all I need to tap into the greatness he knows I have inside me.

MissWisc: This is my BESTIE! She herself says "We've been kickin' her butt for years, no reason for it to stop now." She is good for a butt kicking that's for sure. In fact, I owe part of being back in school to her as well. She has been sending me links for scholarships and various other things to support me in my goals for years and years...at least 10 if not more. She is quick to remind me to put first things first and, like each of the rest of my human resources, believes in me when I am unable to believe in myself. MissWisc often helps me think outside the box. She helps me see not just the big picture, but the entire picture and can put anything in perspective. When commenting on how much more fun it was to take chipmunk tests on Facebook instead of read for school she said reminded me I could only take chipmunk tests "if you want to be a chipmunk when you grow up. Do your schoolwork then play, understand?" MissWisc is one of a few people not afraid to give me "tough talk" when I need to hear it and does so in such a way I am able to internalize it and make changes.

Lyrica: This gal is something else. She is one of the most brilliant minds I know and a HIGH C personality type like me. She's been my go-to-gal on many things for many years. Master P, her hubby, has picked on us repeatedly for the duration of our conversations (we can't help it though we both know and use a LOT of words), but she's always been great at helping me find my words when I've lost them. She is a wealth of information, has a vast degree of life experience, and loves me and wants to see me succeed. She can help when I face challenges in NUMEROUS ways. If the challenge is anything word related, I know I can count on her to help me find the solution. She can help me proof read assignments, she can help me bounce ideas off her first for clarity and cohesion and the list is endless. She's one of the rare few that I think use more than just the average 10% of her brain and, being a bit of a brainiac myself, this is one of the qualities I admire most about her. If I have an issue, I know I can come to her and together we can find a solution to virtually anything. She's helped me crunch numbers, find words, make sure all my t's are crossed and i's are dotted and even helped me put more than just periods at the end of my sentences. The thing I rely on most when it comes to Lyrica though, is her belief in God. Sometimes the only solution is to stop and pray and there is strength in numbers. In these circumstances, I know I can always count on her to pray not just for me, but with me and sometimes this has made all the difference.

B Cubed: Everyone needs to have a friend like him. They (whoever they are) say laughter is the best medicine and I count on B Cubed to keep me giggling. Sometimes my biggest challenge is myself. When I am feeling overwhelmed and need to call an audible , one of the first things I do is send him an IM or check out his Facebook status message. I can almost guarantee it will be something clever and witty that makes me laugh. This laughter often provides just the balm I need to gain a fresh prospective on the situation. With this prospective, comes the ability to overcome challenges. Additionally, B Cubed has an opinion and is not afraid to use it. His opinion on things have often helped me respond to challenges in a unique way and often that response has helped me grow. Finally, B Cubed is, in my opinion, the perfect man. He's sensitive and caring and passionate and ALL man all at the same time. I count on him for a "manspective" on things sometimes but he is always able to package it nice and sweet! I just love this about him!

Super K: Though he's not "outside of school", his support and encouragement have helped from day one. When I have a challenge at school, I often vent to Super K and he cracks me up with his Sweet IM responses. When I have an issue I don't have the patience to figure out the solution for on my own (like why I didn't receive my Adobe software for instance), I often shoot Super K a message and have come to rely on him to assist me in finding the solution. He was one of the first people to yield unrelenting support of returning to school (and I suspect not just because they pay him to) and his push to make it happen sooner than later has been a very good thing! Btw Super K, have they given you that raise yet?!?!?

Shawshank: She has known me her entire life and still loves me despite all the horrid things I did to her as a kid. She is one of the most selfless people I know and I owe her a debt I doubt I'll ever be able to repay. I admire her and hope I can be half the woman she has become. The way she best assists me with challenges and issues is how she responds to her own. She is so full of grace and dignified in the way she handles adversity and her example inspires me.

In addition to the specific people listed above and majority of my family, I am blessed to have a very supportive church congregation. I have numerous people I can turn to when I need a Mom-Cation, be it for just a few hours or even a few days. I have people willing to provide virtually any service my family and I might need, I have people who pray for me even when I'm unaware of their prayers and even when I haven't asked them to, and I have numerous people who believe in me and want to see me succeed. I am blessed to have such powerful human resources back me up.

Wise Ben Stein Words

2009-12-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events...terrorist atack, school shotings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves..

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Verizon I can hear you now

2009-12-20T06:05:00.001-08:00

Originally I chose Verizon's blog name because we talk by phone EVERY day several times and day and a lot of the conversation consists of "I can't hear you" or "Can you hear me now." Verizon seemed the perfect option.

Last night she and I had a conversation that I'm still thinking about some 12 hours later. Verizon has this uncanny knack to be able to just KNOW what I need to hear, when I need to hear it and can read my like a book. She says she knows me so well it's almost wrong...she might be right. At any rate, Verizon and I had a completely candid conversation last night and she pointed out a few things that were honestly difficult to swallow but I heard her. Not only did I hear her, I was listening.

It's extremely difficult to let your guard down when, for the last two years or so, you've been required to keep it up as a matter of safety. It's tough to let someone know all there is to know about you and keep it totally real when, to some degree, your daily life is a bit of a farce. A necessary farce, but farce nonetheless.

Verizon pointed out that it is high time I take the rest of my power back. That I worry less on what Ex Knight may or may not do and worry more about living my life to the fullest measure. She cautioned that perhaps being so guarded can likely cost me the thing I want the most. The love of a man who is capable of being the getaway I need. It was a humbling and thought provoking experience to say the least. I am thankful for the relationship Verizon I have so she can put "it" to me whenever it needs to be put and do so in a way that I feel contemplative and inspired.

Keeping my guard up really amounts to fear. What if I let it down, and I get hurt? But, as she pointed out so well, what if I don't and get hurt anyway? Touche my dear Verizon, touche. I went to the scriptures this morning to find a few fear related scriptures and came across something pretty profound, of course I think the answers you find in scriptures are always profound.

Psalms 56:3 says "what time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Later in verse 11 of this same chapter it says "in God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid of what man can do unto me." I have put my trust in God, but have still been afraid of what Ex Knight can do to me if he finds me...today is the day I move past that fear. And then later, in Psalms 112: 7 it says "he shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord."

It has occurred to me I cannot completely trust my God when I continue to live in fear and be afraid of what "evil tidings" Ex Knight may or may not choose to invoke upon me and mine. The only man in my entire life that has NEVER let me down, hurt me, or left me alone has been my Father in Heaven...from this day forward, I will do my best to demonstrate my trust in Him by going forth, not in fear, but in perfect faith knowing that He knows me and is mindful of my needs and trust Him to meet them even if I have to let my guard down for Him to do it.

Verizon, I can hear you and I am grateful you are speaking. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do in my life.

When I say getaway

2009-12-19T06:45:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, you read all about Spidey and I mentioned in a sidebar how maybe I'd write about what I mean when I say "he" (Spidey or anyone else) has to be my getaway. I woke up with the words about this subject on my heart and in my mind and wanted to take a few minutes to elaborate on this.

Monica's song says shes' "looking for a place to getaway, getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring." This is the line that made me realize this is what I want and need in a man. Life is often difficult when it's going smoothly, much more so when it's not. Everyone needs a getaway. In this same song, Monica also talks about sometimes she wishes she was invisible.

I feel like that a lot lately. I'd love to be invisible for just enough time to take care of me. I'm really looking forward to getting away in January to meet Spidey but have been thinking a lot about how important it is to have a getaway place on a daily basis.

Verizon has been my getaway for as long as I can remember. The one person who just loves me no matter what I've said, done, not said, or not done. She's the one person I can show everything I am (good and bad) and who never passes judgment or condemns. We don't always see things the same way, we don't have the same opinions on things, we don't enjoy all the same things, and our lives have taken us very different places but, when my world has fallen out from under me or I'm crumbling from the weight of expectation, I know that I can find refuge in the getaway that is Verizon.

@ Verizon: I love you. You aren't a piece of my world...you ARE my world. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I've been unable to believe in myself. Thank you for taking the time and effort to know me the way you do. Of all the gifts my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, you are one of the ones I cherish most.

Verizon is a newlywed and her and Abernathy have been friends almost as long as we have. We have had a few conversations about him recently and it occurred to me that Abernathy is her getaway. Because he is so secure in who he is, it allows her to be secure in who she is with him. And, no matter what happens in Verizon's world, she can turn to Abernathy and just be. He's seen her at her worst and his love inspires her to be her best. When everything is wrong in her world, or when everything is right, Verizon has found that "soft place to land" Dr. Phil talks about in Abernathy. With him, she isn't someone's employee, someone's mom, someone's friend, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's homie, someone's BFF, someone's anything...she is just HER...good or bad she just is.

The man I want in my life has to be my getaway at the end of every day. The one who's arms I can fall into and just BE with no expectation, no judgment, no pressure, no demands. To some degree, he'll have to be a male version of Verizon and allow me to continue showing myself to him, when I want to be invisible to everyone else. For this man, I will unlock the doors to my heart and freely give all of it and all of me.

What if Spidey makes my senses tingle?

2009-12-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever asked for something without fully intending to have it handed to you? Have you ever sought something you weren't sure you were ready for once you got it? Or maybe the thing you've always wanted continues to evade you and is constantly just out of reach? Even still, perhaps you've prayed and prayed for something but God has needed you to learn a lesson or two or twenty-five before indulging your desire; maybe His answer to your desire is even no. I'm the only this has happened to ever right?!? No, ok good I might have been worried for a minute.

Recently an Internet "flirt" turned into an email and that email turned into conversations and those conversations have turned into a lot of potential. That potential, if lived up to, has the ability to be life changing. Just knowing that is enough to scare me and yet the more I get to know the man I call Spidey, the more I want to know all there is to know about him.

Early in my life I heard a quote that goes something along the lines of "I refuse to have a battle of wit with an unarmed person," and I have found myself having to reflect on this comment often since. At the risk of sounding arrogant, this fact remains: VERY few people can match my wit...let alone beat it. I've met very few women who can do it, and no man has ever been able to come close...that is until now.

After a few email exchanges and lots of coaching from B Cubed, I finally give Spidey a call (you'll get why I call him Spidey later in this blog). Unfortunately, the intense pain I've been in from my car wreck have made him and I having "real" bilateral conversations a little bit of a challenge, but about a week ago we had the first of what I hope proves to be numerous engaging phone calls. It was during this call that his Masked Marauder identity revealed itself. Let me explain:

Having wanted to be a journalist, I was in mid interview with him. I asked the question "what is your biggest fear," and he gave me a very impressive and deep answer. I felt so shallow because mine isn't anything as profound...it is quite simply arachnids. Yes folks, this chick is insanely terrified of spiders, even those lil mini red ones that are so teeny you almost need a microscope to see them move and daddy long legs too and everything in between.

Spidey took my fear and wit and combined the two to create something NO ONE has ever been able to accomplish and in the end, served my behind to me on a diamond encrusted platter. When hearing my ridiculous fear (yes I know it IS ridiculous but it's mine and I own it) he went on to tell the most elaborate story I've probably ever heard as it relates to spiders.

Below is a brief (it lasted probably the better part of 15 - 20 minutes) summary of some of that story:

Spidey: I'm gonna help you conquer your fear when you get out here. I'll get you totally nice and relaxed and then, when you aren't looking, I'll just put one of my tarantulas on you.

Me: (thinking OMW is this guy SERIOUS) Ummmm...good luck with that because when I notice it on me, I'm likely going to scream.

Spidey: No no, you don't want to do that because then he'll get scared and bite you. He's not poisonous but it still hurts.

At some other point in the story Spidey says something about how his female tarantula laid eggs in his neighbors head and no one realized till they hatched and on and on and on. Suffice it to say, If I had hair on my arms it would be standing straight up, my chest was heaving, my palms sweating, my stomach in knots, goosebumps, etc. In short I was having a lil bit of an anxiety attack and then this happened:

Spidey: Actually I've got one sitting right here on my chest I'm petting him and playing with him right now. He's pretty cool you'll like him (I'm thinking uh yeah don't bet your life on that). OW...OW OW he just bit me!

Me: (imagines the color draining out of my face like water out of a bathtub)

Spidey: I'm just kidding but I totally had you going didn't I?

And that ladies and gents...he COMPLETELY did. He had me going...I fell for it all hook line and sinker. A couple of times during his spidey tail I thought he was fibbin' and pulling my leg. I asked a question I thought would trip him up if he was teasing; he never missed a beat.

WELL DONE SPIDEY!!!! Your quick wit and ability to make me laugh are big selling points. Even if it took a creepy story for you to fully demonstrate your capabilities. You are off to a great start.

But wait there's more...it isn't just his wit.

I've told Spidey several times that the potential for me to fall for him is there, but I'm not "there" yet. He's cute, he's witty, he's had enough similar experiences to be able to completely relate to most of mine, he can be pretty charming, he's a lot of things actually. I must admit I am totally captivated by his presence in my life and want to know all there is to know about him. I can't think of too many things he could tell me that would send me heading for the hills either.

I've often told my loved ones I am looking for a man who is willing to charge in on his galloping steed to "rescue" me but who also understands that I don't need him to save me because I can save myself. Yesterday I think it was, maybe the night before, Verizon made a judgment call that allowed me to come to the realization that Spidey could certainly be such a man as this and now that I have, I'm not sure where to go from here.

He makes me laugh, he's witty, he's cute, he's smart, he's engaging...AND he knows the precise moment in which to ride in and save the day...maybe this is too good to be true.

How did he ride in you ask? He called me when I was in the middle of a moment and successfully steered me right out of it, allowing me to feel better and filling me with hope. The words he chose to use and the counsel he provided still ring in my ears right now as I type this blog.

Sidebar: After listening to Monica's "Getaway" repeatedly, I've finally learned EXACTLY what I want and need in a companion...in short, "he" has to be the getaway. Maybe I'll write another entry on what I mean by that later. We'll see I guess.

And now, back to the story.

I was a little miffed with Verizon for letting him know I was having a moment. It's not easy being vulnerable and I was very vulnerable during this moment of mine, but he guided me through it so beautifully it could have almost been art. It's been a long time since a man (barring those related to me) has ever been so concerned about me. This concern both amazes and alarms me all at the same time and part of me wants to throw up barriers and run.

To speak (well type actually) totally honest it's like this. Spidey has an enormous amount of potential to be "the man" versus just a man. And, while I'm not sure he'll live up to that potential (because not everyone does), I find myself more afraid of what if he does? I've prayed for such a man as this for a long time, and now that he might be on the horizon, I'm just not sure. I think I'm honestly afraid...ok no I KNOW that I am honestly afraid of what happens to me if he does live up to his potential. My fear and insecurities are screaming at me to run far and fast and yet I just don't seem to be able to walk away.

I've loved and lost a few different times now. I spent 10 years married to a man who didn't deserve to have me for even one, I've given my heart to people who've done nothing but rip it out of me and feed it to me for breakfast and I've learned to guard and protect it something fierce. I'm afraid those walls could inhibit forward progress in my current situation. I mean if I don't give Spidey my heart he will never be able to break it right? Though I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, those days are long past. I refuse to give my heart (let alone soul) to anyone who doesn't see the value of having it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, I think I'd almost rather keep my heart secure in it's own fortress than share it with anyone and yet Spidey has me interested enough to consider sharing it with him.

I don't want my baggage (let's face it, whether we'll admit it or not, we ALL have baggage), fear and past heartache to rob me of future promise, but sometimes I honestly feel so powerless to stop it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained I know. At the same time though...the best way to keep my heart in tact is to refrain from giving it to anyone ever again. Keeping my heart so guarded though has left me feeling alone more than I'd like and I don't think I want to feel that way any longer.

I suspect that Spidey has his own fears and insecurities. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. Prayerfully, neither one of us will allow those fears and insecurities to get in the way of the potential though. And, while not everyone lives up to their potential, I sit here hoping Spidey will. Only time will tell I guess and I have plenty of that.

Can I getaway?

2009-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

As you know, I'm totally and completely audio powered. Music speaks to me when often nothing and no one else can. Lately I've been going through some stuff...not bad or good, just stuff. Life often comes at me hard and fast and sometimes it gets REALLY difficult to endure. I am privileged to have a vast support system all over the world; one of the biggest supports is my sistuh from anutha mutha that I call Verizon.

Yesterday Verizon and I were talking via Yahoo Instant Messenger and she shared with me some lyrics to this song that brought tears to her eyes and made her think of me. I read the lyrics and was amazed at how well I could relate to them, but didn't have time to watch the video she sent me a link to until later last night.

The first time I watched the video, tears poured down my face for no reason and every reason all at the same time. I have been listening to this song ever sense...it is having an interesting effect on my heart and emotions right now. If ever a song could adequately depict that "private" place I'm in most of the time...this song is it. Now that private place is public I guess.

Monica, the artist, says "so much on my shoulders and so much on my mind seems no one can help me. I think I just need some time. Sometimes I wish I could hideaway, looking for a place to getaway getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring. I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground but everybody needs some time that they can getaway. Sometimes I wish I was invisible cuz then no one would know where I am to ask me for anything. Cuz I've given so much of me when is it time for me to receive cuz Monica has her needs, who's gonna look out for me?"

This is SOOOOOOOOO powerful for me. I often feel like I have so many people who expect so much from me there is no way I can ever possibly hope to deliver. I am, of course, just one person. The feeling of not being able to deliver often brings about some personal insecurities, fears and worries. Sadly, I don't have the opportunity to just "getaway" very often...in fact, it's something I almost never do. I guess I just feel too needed by too many people all the time and often I fail to take care of myself emotionally or physically in the process. Yes, sometimes I honestly do wish I was invisible.

Monica goes on to say, "you know I'm not Superwoman and I'm not made of steel. I try my best to handle all I have to do and it's not as easy as it seems and to think this was my dream. Now for everything I have I'm grateful, but sometimes I wanna getaway." One of my all time favorite songs is actually called "Superwoman" but it's sung by Karyn White and refers to a relationship between a woman and her man. Must be something about me and "superwoman".

I often feel like I'm expected to be Superwoman all the time. It was expected of me during my childhood, during college, during my marriage, and even more so now I think. I often feel like I'm so busy being all things to all people and at the end of the day there's no one standing here being anything, let alone "everything" to me. It's a difficult place to find yourself in over and over and over again.

Yes, I can hold my ground. I get a lot of feedback on how beautifully I'm doing it, but as I listen to this song over and over it has occurred to me that maybe just maybe I don't always want to have to hold this ground. Instead, maybe I just want someone to hold it all for me. And yes, I know that this is exactly what the Savior does for us but that knowledge often does little to help ease the burden of the "alone" I feel and carry on a regular basis.

Notice I said...alone and not lonely. I am surrounded by people I love (whom also love me) so I seldom feel lonely but there are more days than I'd like to mention where I feel alone. Even after reading my scriptures, even after pleading with my Heavenly Father, even after talking to Verizon or my sister or my Besties.

Like Monica, I need a getaway. A place I can get away from all the demands placed upon me as a single, working, student and parent. A place I can run to escape the heartache and pain that often comes with my present circumstance. A place I can go to escape the demands of school, be unavailable to anything and anyone for work, and get a reprieve from child rearing. A place I can just be the woman I've become and not the kids' mom and the boss and the computer diva and the creative genius (clients have actually called me this) and the and. A place where there are no expectations and I can just BE. A place I can go where someone else will hold the ground and for a change and I can just walk on it.

If you know of such place, please let me know. To hear Monica's beautiful voice sing words that speak from and to my heart, please click the play button on the media player below.

To Thine Own Self Be True

2009-11-24T05:38:00.001-08:00

One of my first "assignments" for school is to write a letter to myself that I can pull out if and when I get discouraged to help me remember why I wanted to pursue my college education in the first place...Super K, I've needed to write myself a letter for a long time anyway so I hope you don't mind if I incorporate your assignment into the one below:

Here goes...

Dear Self,

You've certainly taken the scenic journey to your college education, that's for sure. You started down this course 20 years ago with your college prep work in high school and graduation with honors. Do you remember that? Do you remember how going to college was pretty much a given? Do you remember being accepted to every college you applied to, do you remember the goals and dreams you had for yourself back then?

Life has a funny way of derailing the best laid plans sometimes, but take heart in knowing that God has you exactly where He wants you to be. A lot has happened since you last attended college. You got married, had three more kids, and moved 1400 miles from home to follow your husband's job to Colorado...only to find yourself and your children living in a daily hell. You finally found the strength, courage, and confidence to leave him but ensuring safety required you run away from home and start all over.

Do you remember how many times you prayed for a "do-over" while you were living in hell? Do you remember pleading with your Heavenly Father for an opportunity to do things different? Do you remember begging Him for the chance to go back to school and finish your education? I remember and I'm here to tell you that you have been given a great gift despite the difficulty. Your Heavenly Father has heard your prayers and is answering them, even if you can't always see how.

You have been given the opportunity of a lifetime; a chance to "make it right". Don't blow it this time!!! I know you're going to get discouraged, I know you're going to want to quit sometimes but, may I remind you, you don't quit ANYTHING very well. No reason to start doing so now, is there?

When it's difficult and you feel like giving up, please remember why this college education is so important to you. Please look at the precious faces of your beautiful children. That's likely all it will take to remember. Think about how getting your degree can change their circumstance, how it will absolve you of any financial dependence on Ex Knight, and how NOT having it is the one thing you've always regretted. Think about how miraculous getting into school was in the first place. I KNOW that you DO NOT believe in chance or coincidence so I implore you not to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Show your gratitude to your Heavenly Father for having given you this opportunity by excelling. You've taught your children that anything worth doing is worth doing well; here's another chance to lead by example.

You aren't afraid of things just because they are difficult. I mean just look at what you've been through the last few years. I know that you have struggled, but I also know that struggle hasn't been in vain. You have a great support system. You have countless masses that believe in you and want to see you succeed. Allow our belief in you to buoy you when you lack the ability to believe in yourself.

You love what you do. You love web design and animation. It's always been your favorite part of your job. You are creative beyond words. You are smart, talented, and capable. All that you need to be successful is already inside you because you are a child of God. Never forget that...even when a class is challenging and you want to give up. Need I remind you that you give up about as easily as you quit?

You have always valued the most what you've worked the hardest to get. I mean giving birth sure was work wasn't it? Your college degree will be no different...it will take a lot of work and perhaps even some sacrifice to obtain, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. I know that you know "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." You and I both know you have been called to HIS purpose, now act accordingly. With hard work, dedication, and the spirit of excellence you have about you, you will soon realize your dream of a college degree and better life for your children.

You CAN do this! I believe in you!

The power of ONE word

2009-11-24T04:30:00.000-08:00

Many many years ago in a galaxy far far away there was a high school. In that high school there was a teacher, an English teacher actually. On that teacher's desk was a poster I vaguely remember. Something about how one word could spark a million or something like that. I began thinking about that poster recently after a conversation I had with my Bishop turned into an event that will forever alter my circumstance.

Allow me to explain...

Two weeks ago I was meeting with my Bishop to plead for financial assistance, sadly something I have to do more often than I would like given current my current economic status, and we were talking about what could be done to change my circumstance. The financial dependence I still have on Ex Knight is infuriating most of the time but ESPECIALLY when he fails to pay the amount of support he is supposed to pay and my children suffer as a result.

"Go get a job!" you say right?!?!? Easier said that done when you have no verifiable work experience and no education and are trying to find employment in an economy such as ours....anyway back to the story.

So the Bishop and I are sitting in his office and he counsels me to pursue education. I explain that I've tried but I can't find an accredited program in the field I want with an online option at a price I can reasonably afford to pay back anywhere. The Bishop then says he KNOWS they are out there and I need to keep looking for "regionally accredited online degree programs". That one word - regionally - has made all the difference.

Once I began searching for REGIONALLY accredited on-line degree programs I found the perfect fit. I was so impressed by what I saw (and remember I don't impress easily when it comes to colleges) on their website I clicked on the chat to speak to a live person. Soon I was asking that live person more questions than they could answer and I was transferred to the man who would later become my admissions counselor. Super K is what we'll call him, because I think he is just that...super!!

Super K and I spoke on the 8th of this month and he encouraged me to prepare for a January entrance. I was hoping I might be able to attend in April but that January entrance was sitting in the back of my mind eating away at me. The sooner I go to school, the sooner I can get a credential, the sooner I get that credential, the more employable I am, the more employable I am, the sooner I can eliminate any degree of financial dependence on Ex Knight.

Super K sends me an invitation to the school's placement test...they call it an assessment but REALLY we all know it's a test and the application and I drag my heels a lil about getting it done. Finally I go ahead and take the TEST (Super K you guys really need to call it what it is...a TEST) and Super K calls me with my results. Being somewhat of a brainiac, I'm sure I've done ok, but it IS a test and I've been out school a long time so my skills are a lil rusty. Super K informs me I have knocked it out of the park, scoring in the top 10% of test takers and when I come to school in January (he was bent on the January date for some reasons...Super K do you get a bonus or something for having a certain amount of students enrolled for Winter quarter?!?!?) I can go straight into my degree program! WUHOWWW!!!! I was THRILLED.

Now the only obstacle was finding the monies to go. I immediately began praying that if attending this school at this time was what Heavenly Father wanted for me and mine, the obstacles would be removed and asked a few people I know to be vigilant prayer people to do the same. I am here to tell you God answers prayers because one by one the obstacles came tumbling down and I will be attending school, as Super K pushed for, in January! I still can hardly believe it!

The program I found has the same accreditation as one of the big state schools where I live, the cost of tuition includes books and software, I can test out of classes, (which I will TOTALLY be doing for College Algebra and a few others), my current tuition rate stays locked if I take 4 classes a quarter, and whether I take 16 credits a quarter or 24, I'll only pay for 16! It's almost too good to be true isn't it?!?!? I thought so too, but found another student in an online program at the school who says no, it's not...it is indeed THIS good!

I'm THRILLED!!!! I cannot wait. Just ask Super K, he'll tell you how I've been a pain in his neck! So, here's the plan...test out of 7 credits, two quarters of 5 classes, two quarters of 6 classes and then throw a big ole party to celebrate the achievement of my Associate's Degree. That leaves just 88 more credits for my Bachelor's Degree...another 2 quarters of 5 classes and 2 of 6 and then an even bigger party as I celebrate having earned my Bachelor's Degree. The only regret I've ever lost sleep over finally resolved!

All this, because of the power of ONE word...regionally. I am so grateful to the inspired counsel from a loving Bishop, Super K for believing in me enough to push me for a much earlier entrance, and most importantly, for my Heavenly Father who cleared the obstacles out of the way to make this long time dream a reality!

160 miles = million dollar memories

2009-11-24T04:14:00.001-08:00

Throughout this entire process, the one thing that has bothered me is all the family my children have essentially "lost" or effectively been distanced from due to Ex Knight's poor choices. The Mini's fear what will happen if Ex Knight ever learns where we are and his family is like the Mafia without the organized crime. If they tell one of his people where they are, it will spread quicker than wild fire and soon he will know our whereabouts. He claims that all the threats he made were done in anger and he'd never act out on them but he's said one thing and done another enough times that claim has no merit. Better to exercise caution in all things Ex Knight related I think.

Anyway...so here a while back the kids had a 4 day weekend. I decided to make a road trip. I come from a HUGE family...my mother's parents had 8 kids, my father's parents had 5. I have 11 aunts and uncles...you can imagine the cousins I have. Not all of whom have met my children!!! On this extended weekend, I decided it was time to make a road trip. Some of my cousins now have their own families and it was great fun getting to introduce our children to each other.

I was moved to tears seeing the light and joy present in the eyes of my children as they played with their 2nd cousins and their parents and I. We laughed and laughed and laughed over those 4 days and the Mini's forged new relationships with family that have likely left an indelible impression on their hearts and minds and I am thankful for the opportunity to have made the journey.

Due Influence

2009-10-18T04:36:00.001-07:00

We hear about what happens when people exercise undue influence over others all the time right? This influence is usually negative in nature. It's the sort of thing you see when someone uses undue pressure to gain a desired result. Bosses can do it when they pressure an employee to perform outside their job description, family can do it when they are trying to get an elderly parent to write a will that benefits them, and abusive men are the MASTER of this negative behavior. They have it down to an art form.

What about though, DUE influence then...it conversely must be the opposite then right?!?!? This morning, as I start the "getting ready for church" process, I found myself reflecting on something I heard earlier this week. Let me explain a little.

Children of the LDS persuasion once 8, begin attending bi-weekly activities at Church. Scouts for boys, Activity or Achievement Days for girls. Last week at this event, I had a conversation with a valiant spirit. I was whining (yes even grown ups whine sometimes too) about how exhausting it is to now be the mom of the kids everyone wants to hang out with. I went on to explain how knock out drag out fights have been started over who these kids do and don't play with and how it's uncommon anymore these days for me not to have 1-5 extra kids or more on any given day in the week. Mr. Valiant said a lot of amazing stuff but namely he counseled me to never underestimate the DUE influence I can have in the lives of these children.

Today, I became aware of just how important such an influence is. I have GREAT kids. I'm biased a little I know, but I also know that I have been lucky to be blessed with such amazing spirits. Their school principal says any educator would be honored to have them in their building, cashiers at Wally World, our second home, comment on how well behaved they are, their friends' parents ask me how I do it, and the list goes on and on of the positive feedback I get regarding them.

So, these good kids have befriended a special set of children. Eleven year old fraternal twins, and their four year old little sister. These three kids spend more time at my house than they do theirs I think. Last night, the twins wanted spent the night so they could come to church with us. This means I've had extra kids overnight for more days in a row than I can remember. This morning though, we woke to find paramedics at the twins' apartment. Their mom isn't doing so well and is going to the hospital so please pray for her. Her children and fiance really need her!

Without a question, I volunteered to take the 4 year old to church with us today so that the fiance can just focus on taking care of Mom. As I sat in my office checking in on Facebook and email and ease dropping on the kids' conversations, I again became reminded of Mr. Valiant's statement about influence.

Though I haven't always had "due influence" on my children, I certainly do now. This influence is proving to have long reaching effects. They then, exercise due influence with their friends and now my place is the coolest place on the block. We have had the Elders over to meet these kids' parents and they've been taught a few discussions. For some reason though, it is often more difficult for adults to accept the truth than it is children and we can't get the parents to church. Today though, I am using my DUE INFLUENCE to take three more precious spirits to church and I am thankful to have the opportunity to do it.

Morbid beauty

2009-09-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I accompanied a handful of other parents on what must be the strangest field trip EVER. Mini 2 and the the 5th graders in her school went to a cemetery. Yes, you read correctly. I did say we took a field trip to the cemetery. At first it was kind of creepy but I guess there are some notables buried there and that would have made it "fun", but the rain prevented us from checking out them out.

Here are some of the pictures I took:

The angel on this headstone is made with so much detail her skirt almost looks like it's real fabric.

I forget what the world is called but this is one of my favorite shrines.

The Gerrard's final resting place...have no idea who they are I just liked this building.

We all thought this looks lice ice and think it might glow at night.

"Bless the Master Mason's who give us heritage." ~ I took this photo because of my connection to the Fraternal Order of Masons.

Another of my favorite grave markers.

One of I think 15 lakes on the 400 acres that comprise the "developed" portion of the cemetery.

One of very few red granite headstones.

Who needs vengeance when you can have vindication?

2009-09-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, I have been vindicated. At the behest of Mini 3, Ex Knight and I are now pretending (insert trying, attempting, agreeing, if you prefer) to be friends. The magic of technology allows me to block my number and call him (safety first) without revealing where my own unique spot on the map is and since Mini 3 asked if she could call her father well, he and I have had a few of "those" conversations. Today's though...it had to be the best.

Ex Knight FINALLY accepted AND admitted that it wasn't our marriage that failed, it was HIM that failed. His admission went on to include confirmation of my deep seated notion that, assuming he could be 5 again when we all still got "do-overs", he'd do some things over. He went on to explain that he has now realized he needed to grow up and, though I'm not convinced at present, he swears he's spent the last couple years doing just that. Too bad it only took losing his marriage and family for him to figure it out.

I still feel sorry for him...I can't help it. It's so very unfortunate that his choices cost him the relationship he had or hoped to have with his kids (even if it turns out that's only temporary). I also feel sorry for my children. It's equally unfortunate that in order for them to enjoy the life they now lead, he had to be taken out of the equation. It must be dreadfully painful to know you may not ever talk to, let alone see, your children ever again. But then again, some lessons are harder to learn than others and sometimes mistakes only need to be made once. I hope, when it comes to Ex Knight, he has truly learned his lesson and that this will be one mistake he never has to make again. Perhaps in time, when enough of it has passed, the Minis will be able to build a safe and secure bridge to their father and give him permission to cross it.

I cannot even BEGIN to explain how great it made me feel to hear Ex Knight admit what I've known for YEARS. I mean just knowing it felt good too. Hearing him actually TELL ME (without provocation I might add) that he was to blame and he'd do it different if he could do it over and KNOWING that it no longer matters to me one way or the other if he would have done things different or not...well yeah that has just left me feeling vindicated...FINALLY.

"I the Lord am bound

2009-09-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

when ye do what I say" says Doctrine and Covenants 82:10. And, if you've ever had a temple recommend interview you know one of the things you are asked is "are you honest in your dealings?". I believe the Lord requires us to be honest and blesses us when we are.

Recently, my kids and I were involved in a car accident. It's been a painful two weeks as we've struggled to "feel better" and deal with the pain until we do. The other driver has the minimum insurance our state requires and well, you know how insurance companies can be right? Anyway so in telling the details of our accident to people, many have suggested I hire an attorney and laugh all the way to the bank. I, however, am not looking for a huge payout. I want what I had BEFORE the other driver made the mistake she did....a reliable vehicle, pain free living, and ok I'll be honest...a lil retail therapy might go a long way in helping me forget about the pain I've suffered, but my point is I'm not looking to "get rich" or take her insurance "to the cleaners".

I believe when you do the right thing, just because it's the right thing, the Lord will bless you. Apparently I must be pretty accurate in my thoughts because I've just received the most glorious blessing.

Poor Jazz...he's been totaled out and will be sold as salvage. I will miss him that's for sure. He gave my children and I some much needed freedom and independence and took a big hit so we didn't have to. Yes he leaked when it rained, yes he had more rust than an iron nail in water, yes he was tiny and long trips were rough on my knees but he was ours and we were sad to see him all crunched up.

On the 1st, her insurance called me with an offer for my car...$1100 plus tax and title...I paid $1200 for Jazz and asked he at least give me that...he agreed. The next call, then, was to Ward Car Guy.

I explained to Ward Car Guy that I should have a check for Jazz in the next week or two and could he please be on the look out for a new car for me. I fully expected to be out of a car for a while once taking the rental back. I mean, the chance of finding a decent car for the $1200 I was getting for Jazz just didn't seem possible really. I figured I'd have to spend some of the monies I'm sure to get in the settlement on a vehicle and was gearing up to be without wheels for a while. And then...the Lord kept his part of the deal....remember "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say," like being honest and doing the right thing just because it's the RIGHT thing.

Ward Car Guy calls me back that night and informs me he's just bought a new truck and he has a 2000 Ford Taurus he's willing to sell me. He goes into an explanation about what is or isn't wrong with it (he could take a body and a box of parts and build a car) and then says something like how he could get a lot more for the car than what he's gonna ask I give him for it but he'll give it to me for 1200, I can have it Friday and if that doesn't work well then he'll go ahead and look for other options.

WILL THAT WORK??? Ummmmmmmmmmm let's see.....buy a car for the EXACT same price as I'm getting for my totaled car. Buy it from a church member who I KNOW I can count on to be honest PLUS one who ALSO knows all things car and be confident I'm going to get a GOOD car, or take a chance I'd get another car that would allow me to take a shower and drive in the rain all at the same time? Oh wait, I forgot...he also said I could take possession of the car now and we'd work out the paperwork once I got my check from the insurance. What an incredible blessing this is for the Minis and I. Thanks so much Ward Car Guy, we appreciate you!

When judgement goes East

2009-08-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

at an intersection, when someone else has the right of way, this is what you get:

On our way home from church this last Sunday another driver whipped a left in front of me turning East onto the side street and I slammed right into her. The light turned yellow after I had already crossed into the intersection and she was cited for failing to yield. Don't make a left on a yellow people, I mean really.

The kids were in the car, but none of us sustained any major injuries. The girls and I have whiplash, I have a gnarly looking bruise about 6 inches long on my boob from my seat belt, chest contusions, blunt force trauma to my chest, I can't hold my head up for too long without it hurting, breathing hurts, sitting up hurts, pretty much moving hurts, I've had a headache since the accident and I'm scared to drive, but at least I'm alive to blog this story.

Moral of the story....no where you need to be is so important that having to wait 5 more minutes (at most) for another green light will kill you. Accidents like this however, could if you're not careful.

Finally a father's love.

2009-08-09T03:40:00.000-07:00

Recently someone from the Cricut Message Board announced a RAK she was doing. In order to have a chance to win, you had to post about someone who inspires you. I chose to write about a man I met 18 months ago or so whom I now call Dad. I decided to include that story here.

After escaping my abusive marriage my children and I relocated. As you may or may not know, we are LDS (aka Mormon) and we always find a "ward family" to go to wherever we are. This time though, my current ward has redefined my definition of that phrase "ward family"....

Men get together in pairs called Home Teachers and are assigned to look after a few families....we LDS people really take care of our own and this helps the Bishop ensure everyone is doing ok. Well, my Home Teacher is a very busy man and not very reliable when it comes to OFFICIALLY being my Home Teacher (he is supposed to come with a monthly message and never does etc etc)...he is however a GEM of a man and I feel blessed to know him. Whenever I need to borrow a "Dad" for a father-daughter activity he's here, when we moved in and needed furniture put together he stayed till pretty late (after 10 probably) to put it all together, he's hung shelving, his family took us to church every week till we got our own car, etc etc....

So anyway....shortly after we arrived, he went out of town and asked his counselor (kind of like an assistant) to look after my family in his absence. It was then we met the man I now call my dad...

This man got VERY close to my family very quickly and soon my children came to me and asked "Do you think Brother ----- would mind if we called him Grandpa?" He didn't mind one bit and soon after I was calling him Dad.

Over the last 18 months or so, we've grown very very close. He is my "go to" guy for just about everything and I find myself inspired by his counsel and words ALLLLLL the time but no time more inspirational than this....

It was February...he was taking me and Mini 2 to therapy and I was sitting in the truck with him waiting my turn to visit our counselor. We were talking about some of the fear I was living with due to the circumstances surrounding my divorce and I was in tears. After a rather long preface to ensure he didn't hurt my feelings he said something I now hang on to daily "My dear, when you can learn to trust Heavenly Father as much as He trusts you, you will no longer need to live in fear." It was like a kidney punch directly into my heart....my life has never been the same since.

I am so grateful for this man....unfortunately circumstances such as they are he is unable to to do so, if he could though, he would TOTALLY adopt me. I have never known a father's love until I met this man...my own father is a complete waste of space...neither he or my brother have any respect for him....I've never met him, despite having talked to him several times, and he didn't even recognize my brother 4 or 5 years ago when our grandfather died and he came to the funeral...only thing great my bio father has done is give my brother and I the gift of each other....my mom is a bum magnet...her current fiance is a pedophile to help you get the idea, so none of the men in her life are or were role-model/father material....

And then, thanks to an unexpected move, I gained a father figure and FINALLY know what that "daddy-daughter" relationship is all about and I must say I am HOOKED. I am a Daddy's girl BIG TIME!

My Dad inspires me because he, too, sees more in me than I often see in myself and carefully and thoughtfully says and does things that allow my BEST self to shine! He ALWAYS makes me feel better when I'm bummed...often in just a statement or two and his love and support have been a key component of our surviving our situation. My girls want to marry men just like him, and my son wants to grow up to be the kind of man he is.

There is NO blood connection to us, but he is my dad and he will tell you himself if you ask him. His love for my family has changed our lives and his influence makes us better people and we are so lucky to have him.

Daddy who are you are makes a difference EACH and EVERY day of our lives and it is an honor and privilege to know you and have you in our lives. Thank you so much for all you do and all you are, your grandchildren and I love you more than you will EVER know!

OMG! What a week!

2009-08-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

I had the distinct displeasure of dealing with BOTH baby daddy's in a 72 hour window plus or minus a few hours...yes I know that deserves a medal. You're welcome to make me one and send it to me k!!! My new friend Jen also said that in and of itself, is enough to merit a vacation a/o taking the rest of the week off so if any of you would like to come take care of the kids so I can take off, by all means let me know.

Baby Daddy 1, aka Sweetheart, is still SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute to me (even when he's grumpy) and I still have so much love for him but Forest says stupid is and stupid does and I realized this week that he's not good enough for me. All the love in the world can't compensate for not being worthy of me so buh bye...LOL! No, I wasn't mean to him at all...I can't hate I have a BEAUTIFUL baby girl to show for our relationship. Seeing him again (it has been 6 years since the last time I saw him) served as a reality check....he and I can only be together when the story begins happily once upon a time and ends happily ever after and I quit believing in fairy tales a long time ago.

Earlier this week, Mini 3 decided she wanted to speak to Ex Knight....I about peed myself. But, being the MAGNIFICENT mom that I am (I am magnificent right?!?!), I was able to indulge Mini 3...Mini 2 and 4 couldn't be left out though so they talked to Ex Knight too. By the time his phone finally cut off (we used all his prepaid minutes), it had been a TOTAL of FOUR PAINFUL hours we'd been on the phone. HOLY COW, the things we do for love. Monday taught me some things too though...

1. I'm WAY stronger than I think (yeah I know....you already knew that).
2. Being the better person is ALWAYS the better choice.
3. My Father in Heaven loves me and is ALWAYS there.
4. You catch more flies with honey.
5. Safety ROCKS!

Let me elaborate on lesson 4. If you have read any of my blog entries (and if you haven't that's ok too cuz really this blog is one of VERY few things I do that is just for me so there HA....just teasing smile k?!?!?)...Now, back to lesson 4. Ex Knight is scary, dangerous, unpredictable, and reliably unreliable. Talking to him, let alone even supervising his communications with the Minis is NOT something I wanted to do EVER. I could have lived the rest of my life QUITE nicely if I would have NEVER EVER EVER EVER had to hear his voice or see him again. The problem though, is he's still baby daddy #2 and I still have babies that love him...Mini 3 in particular. SIDEBAR: No it's not a problem that she loves him...it's a problem that because she loves him and I love her I am STUCK dealing with him.

I'm sure some of you may be wondering WHY ON EARTH (it's OK to wonder that, I did too), I let the Minis talk to him...there's one reason and one reason ONLY. He is their father, it's not about me, it's about them and if they can talk to him and stay safe in the process well then OK I guess....plus not only that, I want them to make their own decision on Ex Knight,. I don't want them to base how they feel about him based on how Mommy feels about him. I played SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice....at one point he said something like "wow that's great I'm glad to hear they're doing so well." I WANTED to say well when they're not being emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis anymore, how the heck you 'spect them to be BUT....I was nice. No really, I know it's not my forte where he's concerned BUT I was. I figure the nicer I am, the more "amicable" I am, the sweeter I am and the more I let the kids talk to him as they desire the safer we actually are. I know weird concept right...but I figure as long as he is talking to the kids whenever the kids want (cuz he claims he doesn't want to "force" them to be in his life) to talk to him (and I can influence how often that is with relative ease) and knows they're doing better now than they EVER have maybe just maybe he won't ever feel the need to try and locate us. See...there ARE methods to my madness I promise!

Safety ROCKS...lesson five. Our safety is of utmost importance and I'm so grateful to have children that understand while it's ok to love Ex Knight and we've been commanded to forgive Ex Knight, we still have to remember that we have ABSOLUTELY NO way of knowing has he changed and is he safe for us to be around or not...the only way to know for sure is to subject ourselves to him and if we do that and he HASN'T changed...THEN what do we do? And, while Mini 3 is DEFINITELY bummed being a daddy's girl and all, all of the Mini's understand. Seriously HOW did I get such great kids?!?!?!

Don't worry though, it's not all bad. After all the stress and drama of baby daddy's 1 and 2 I took Thursday off to recover and more or less did a lot of nothing. Then Friday I went to my second favorite scrapbooking store for their make and take/customer event thingie or whatever YOU want to call it LOL! I was lucky enough to be one of the first 50 (we had a GINORMOUS line to wait in and I didn't think it would be me) so I got a FREE paper pack...well actually I got 4 cuz of the 5 of us only ONE wanted their paper...SHEESH have I not taught them that ALL paper is good?!?!? Anyway...shortly after I arrived back at home my Daddy calls and spoke words that sounded like music to my ears when he said "would you like to get rid of some kids for awhile?" WOULD I....ummmm what time do you want them...no really you can keep them for as LONG as you like lol! I got back in the car and took the Mini's to do some service with and for Grandpa and then came home to write this blog.

They get out of the car and run down his driveway screaming GRAN PAW GRAN PAW GRAN PAW and he throws his arms around them hugging them all and I drive away cheesing BIG time! I'm so blessed. How amazing it is to know people with so much love in their heart they can let my children and I in...not as friends, not as ward family but as FAMILY family! The whole way home (all of maybe 2 or 3 minutes) I just kept smiling thinking about how blessed my life is despite the struggle. I used to think happiness was over rated; I'm so pleased I was wrong. What a difference to be able to LIVE as opposed to simply existing!

Honestly, I don't think it could get much better than this....except maybe if I had my own scraproom the size of Texas and it was full of everything in the world I MIGHT want or need, and a GI-normous house I didn't have to pay for complete with a picket fence, dog (grimace), and mini van in the driveway, ocean front property somewhere warm and tropical with a jet constantly fueled and waiting to wisk me away whenever I want, and maybe......or maybe....

Hey, it doesn't hurt to dream does it? Actually, no, it doesn't and I'm dreaming again...amazing how much more vivid the dream looks when you start from a happy place to begin with isn't it?

Thimbletack give us our stuff back

2009-07-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

I think Thimbletack has left the Spiderwick mansion and taken residence up with my family. On any day of the week, we can set something down only for it to disappear and reappear somewhere else as if by magic. It happens with ALL sorts of things too...keys, shoes, my purse, scrapbooking tools, the phone, Pinky our digital camera, and the list goes on and on...

Keys especially...those are the worst. Maybe Thimbletack likes the way they jingle or how they shine. I'm not sure what it is to be honest, I just know that every time I set my keys down, they reappear somewhere else later and the Minis swear they didn't touch them. So, since the Minis didn't move them, and I didn't move them, it HAS to be Thimbletack.

Thimbletack oh Thimbletack PLEASE give us our stuff back! And while you're at it...please quit taking it too!

What goes around comes around...or does it?

2009-07-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

My baby brother, who might object to being called a baby now given he's married with 4 kids of his own, has gone back to school. He's decided he wants to be a history teacher and I'm so proud of him. That however, is a tale for another day...his recent writing topic has had me thinking for some time now.

He had to write a persuasive paper on a topic of his choice arguing both sides of the equation His topic...karma? What is it and why or why it does or doesn't exist...I know brilliant subject right? I told you I was proud of him...this is one of many reasons why. You wouldn't know it by his lifestyle but he's quite a thinker...he and I have some of the most engaging conversations and this was one of them.

He came to me for writing advice given I'd been an English major and all (not that you can tell that from the NUMEROUS errors in this blog...thankfully I'm not submitting it for a grade) and I've found my thoughts drifting to his subject several times since.

Karma is essentially the concept of what goes around comes around but honestly does it? Can we influence our future by our choices today? To some degree yes. But the concept that there is this inevitable sort of cosmic ether in which our choices are repaid to us in the future is not something I believe. While I do believe that we can determine our course by our choices, I don't believe in karma. Life has shown me that what goes around doesn't always come around, but then I'm not always sure it should either.

Take Ex Knight for example, the karma theory implies that since he treated us so poorly, someone's gonna do the same thing to him but I doubt that will honestly happen. I really hope it doesn't happen; I wouldn't wish what we endured at the hands of Ex Knight on even he himself., let alone anyone else. Karma also doesn't explain how good things happen to bad people or how bad things happen to good people. At least not in my opinion.

I think that we all have our own free will. This is what members of my faith often refer to as agency and is something God has placed in all of us. I think we are all in control of our OWN agency whether we use it well or not and how "destiny" is determined then, is by how we act and react to the use of agency, ours and that of others.

A Sunday School teacher I had years ago said a few things that have stuck with me through the years. She says that everyone is good for something...even if it's just a bad example (Ex Knight is the PERFECT bad example), and we can determine our consequence by the choices we make. Choices have consequences, that's what I've taught my children...I just don't believe they have karmalistic (yes you can use my word) type consequences. And, we don't get to choose the consequences of our behavior EXCEPT by altering our choice.

I can see you scratching your head and hear you thinking "what does she mean by that"...I did the same thing when I heard it the first time so it's ok. Here's an example...one of the consequences for not doing chores in my house is the inablity to play outside. The consequence of doing chores is then the converse of this. My children do not pick the consequences of chores...I do. They can however, determine whether or not they will do them and receive good or bad consequences.

For me, the idea of karma just does not make sense because not everyone gets what they deserve...at least not in this life. Lord knows my children have never done anything to deserve what Ex-Knight did. Sometimes, people never get what they deserve in life...I do believe though we'll all get our "just reward" eventually. If then, what goes around comes around EVENTUALLY and we will all get what we deserve in the end (ie judgment) then maybe karma does exist...some will call it karma; however, I know this as the love of a perfectly just Heavenly Father.

It's all because of Facebook

2009-06-29T20:56:00.001-07:00

I love a lot of things about Facebook but especially how it puts people back into your lives you never thought you'd run into again! You know the people...the ones when you think about about life you have nothing but fond memories of them and wonder where they are and what they're doing. The same sort of people who you hope and pray you run into at your high school reunion and when you DO, you hang out with them ALL weekend, night, or whatever. Believe it or not, I've got a lot of people like this and it never fails, when I find myself thinking about them most, there's a friends request from them.

This is how it was for one of my oldest and dearest friends whom we'll call My Beautiful Blonde Boy (or B Cubed for short)...yes I said beautiful, blonde, and boy...and he is. B Cubed is as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside. He's the kind of person that brings happiness to the lives of all those he touches simply by being him. He doesn't have to try, he doesn't have to work at it even...he is just simply BEAUTIFUL and is not just loved by all those who know him, he genuinely loves all of them too...well except maybe his Bosshole (sorry it's an inside joke and I'm not going to take the time to explain) and dentist.

I've known B Cubed for more years than he will let me admit to on a public forum and I've found myself wondering where he was and what he was doing over the years more than once. I can't celebrate my birthday without thinking of him and most of my fondest high school memories (ha ha ha now you get an idea of how long we've known each other) involve him. Thanks to Facebok, he was a lot easier to find than Waldo and every day I am thankful to have him back in my life.

B Cubed has been bringing a smile to my face for many many years. Now I get to be entertained by him on a daily basis...all I have to do is log into Facebook (which I already do anyway cuz I'm hopelessly addicted...it's ok he is too so we meet there often) and he's there. I know that I can count on his status message for something so completely candid and point blank it is hilarious to the point of LITERALLY loling, complete with tears in my eyes and everything. And, when I need someone to attempt to explain to me WHY men do the things they do, he always does his best, yet freely admits that sometimes it's just because men suck...period. I'm so glad he gets that; you have NO idea. What's better is he's not offended at all when I tell him men are stupid...he's a man he already knows they certainly can be (and to be fair, so can women) but since he's not one of the stupid ones, it's all good.

When B Cubed isn't entertaining me with his cleverly worded status messages complete with typos and all, he's cracking me up with B Cubedisms....things like bosshole and random run by smacking...you've heard of drive by shootings, but please if you would picture a random run by smacking....can you imagine the 911 call? Ha ha ha he keeps me laughing and it's one of many things I love about him.

I just love how Facebook brings people together and I'm so glad it brought My Beautiful Blonde Boy back into my life. It's wonderful beyond words to know that I can count on him to keep me entertained, to listen when I need an ear (well wait actually it's more like read when I need to type) to offer a prospective only HE can give, to remind me to treat myself better, and to inspire me to continually reach for the best. All these things make him the kinda guy EVERY girl should have around...he even cooks and cleans and is potty trained.

B Cubed my dear sweet friend, I love your guts man! Thanks for finding me..or wait did I find you? Awww who cares let's not split hairs...thanks for finding or being found and for all the love and joy you bring into my life. YOU ARE THE BEST my friend!

Lions, Tigers and Bears Oh My!!!

2009-06-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Being some what of an indoor gal, I found a great compromise for my animal loving children and I...ZOO MEMBERSHIP! The way I do animals best (and even then the Zoo isn't my favorite place)! After going to the zoo on a field trip I researched the costs of taking my family...ONE zoo trip was around $50 dollars less than an entire YEAR of zoo trips so you can bet I bought the membership...it is called the "single parent family" membership and I can take all four of my Minis PLUS a guest each time.

Our first trip was a week ago and we were there for 5 hours plus or minus. They fed giraffes, beat on their chests like gorillas, dressed up like bugs, and called to the elephants (Mini 2's favorite animal). We rode the train, and the tram. Mini 4 pointed out "this ride is boring Mom we can walk faster than this" LOL and he's probably right!

We returned home hot, sweaty, and tired and it has taken me a week to recover...sadly I am no longer the spring chicken I used to be! At any rate, here are some of the 270 pictures I took.

The things we do for love

2009-05-30T19:47:00.001-07:00

Today was a rough day for my son...Toader looked like it was croaking and NOT the way you would expect a toad to do...it appeared to my expert eye that he was dying. My poor son was CRUSHED....big ole' alligator tears falling down his cheeks and his wee lil heart breaking right in front of me. Then it came...a prompting to find the cricket receipt from yesterday and have him call PetSmart and see if Bob, the ToadMaster, was in...guess what, he was!

We race Toader off to see the ToadMaster and sadly I fear the news isn't great...and then who should walk into the very same store but one of their OWN Vets (she's the EXPERT expert) off duty. Bob informs me later, after she's given Toader a complimentary exam, that the OTHER Vet knows dogs and cats and stuff and that's about it...THIS Vet, the one who examined Toader, knows about "exotic" animals and Bob said if she said Toader is just bloated and gassy well then it's probably just that and he'll be fine. YAY!!!! Baby Boy's broken heart mended, at least for the time being anyway.

As if all this drama with Toader wasn't enough, my girls come chirping in my ear "oh please Mommy can we get a fish today please please please?" I begrudgingly agree and Jack and Bubby, the beta fishes, have joined our family. And, YES they have separate bowls.

Depending on the time of day, I now dwell with 3 monkies (who sometimes are often pigs and elephants too), two fish, a dozen or so crickets, and one bloated toad. Did I mention I don't even LIKE animals?!?!?

Garbage Colored Glasses

2009-05-29T05:11:00.000-07:00

I'm the only one that wears them right? You know those glasses that are colored in such a way it skews what you think of what you see in a negative way...particularly when you're looking at your own reflection. Well, at the TOFW workshop I attended two weeks ago Kim Nelson, author and counselor, counseled us to take them off.

He began talking about how can can REALLY know if God loves us...he said to really understand that we need to do 4 things. First we need to know and understand WHY we came to Earth, second we MUST understand and realize Heavenly Father's love and affection for us, third we must understand and recognize Satan's commitment to destroy is and fourth we need to find joy where we are. He goes on to talk about how when we're teaching our kids to ride their bikes for the first time how they take off on their own and often inevitably fall where we rush to their side. He says as parents we're often the first to the wreck and so is Heavenly Father when we wreck our lives, hearts, emotions, or whatever.

That was all good, it REALLY was...but what hit me most was when he said he was gonna ask us a question we'd hate him for later. He asked us to consider what we'd think if we saw a woman treating her daughter the way we treat ourselves....WOW. My knee-jerk reaction was "that she should be arrested for child abuse." Kim says it's important to take off the "garbage colored glasses" and learn to see ourselves as Heavenly Father does...before we were ANYTHING else (let's face it as women we are a lot of different things to a lot of different people...wife, mom, taxi driver, shrink, medic, maid, teacher, well you get the point) we were FIRST a daughter of God and God loves us simply because we are HIS. Not for any other reason...

So, since then, I've been trying to take those garbage colored glasses off more and more...it's difficult I'll admit, but I'm getting better.

Bring me your poor

2009-05-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've frequently found myself lamenting over all the things I want to give my children and can't. Ex Knight pays child support when he feels like it, and as much or as little as he feels like paying (yes in COMPLETE defiance of court orders) and my home based business provides an income that is...that is...what's a good word...meager I suppose, at best. Often I've laid awake crying and praying over what to do and how to make ends come close let alone meet, and sometimes my Minis have seen my tears and felt the side effects of my frustration.

At first getting a job outside my home could potentially risk our safety so I couldn't even consider it. Then, given I had no wheels and no childcare getting a job outside my home, became somewhat more of a challenge. The hours I can work are limited, as is my experience because raising a family doesn't translate into any verifiable skill even though as mom's we do so much. My family, however, continues to struggle in the mean time.

One day, during an exceptionally difficult time, my children tapped into their divinity and seemed to pull wisdom straight out of heaven as they assured me they didn't need more stuff they needed me. That it was ok because they had everything they needed and with a little saving and careful planning they could get most of what they wanted too and what they wanted and needed most was to know I loved them, to know I cared, and to be here for them no matter what. In other words, they wanted my love and my time...both of which I can freely give.

Over and over each child took their turn telling me that the little sacrifices they make are trivial in comparison to having me home. They basically said they'd rather be poor and homeless with me present and accounted for than to have me work outside my home and barely ever see me...

You know what I'm gonna say here don't you...out of the mouths of babes right?!?! And so, since you can't take it with you anyway, I've decided that for the present time, my kids need ME more than they need what I can give them and I've abandoned the thought of getting an additional job outside my home; it's been one of the best decisions I've made.

My children are learning about saving for things, they're learning about staying out of debt, they're learning to make careful choices about the things they want, they're learning that people have way more value than possessions, they're learning to take better care of the things they do have, they're learning a lot about service and are eager to serve as a result. They're learning that the best memories are moments we've spent together versus time spent doing the same THING together and they're learning that their Mom values them above any worldly possession. They are building their testimonies of Heavenly Father's love and ability to make up for our lack when we give Him our best. They are learning the value of sacrificing for what really counts and I feel so blessed to be their mom.

By the world's standard, we aren't just poor, we're living in poverty. In fact, well below the "poverty line" actually, but that's if you judge worth by worldly possessions or standards...when you gauge it on eternal principles and standards, I'm sure my Minis would tell you we're millionaires.

What if the fruits of your labor

2009-05-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

is not who your children become, but who you become by having had them? That's what Emily Watts asked this weekend at TOFW. She, as you may recall, also said it's important we learn to react on the principle and not the emotion. She is a mother of 5 and a Senior Editor at Deseret Book. Being as entertained as I was, and the book lover I am, I bought her book "Being the Mom: 10 Coping Strategies I learned by Accident Because I Had Children on Purpose"...let me share with you some of the chapter I read today.

In Chapter 5, Know When To Holler For Help, she comically re-tells the story of how her neighbor helped her take her baby's temperature rectally more than 20 years ago and goes on to say ""blessed was I because I was compelled to be humble in that case, how much more blessed would I be if I could be humble without being compelled? I have witnessed over and over again the amazing way in which doors are opened and bonds created when I'm willing to lay aside my pride and confess that there's something I can't do...sometimes we forgot that in order for service to be rendered there must be a 'servee' as well as a server. It's a grand scheme that provides for some to be given one lift and some another, that all may be profited thereby (See D&C 46:11-12)."

She concludes this chapter talking about her son trying to put his own jammies on and how he couldn't do it despite his best effort. She says "I see myself from time to time as that little boy, struggling and fighting with some situation in my life and making a twisted mess of things, unwilling to surrender control to One who could easily help me resolve the problem and send me happily on my way...He knows our needs stands ready to help us fulfill them, but we have to ask. May pride never keep us from acknowledging our deficiencies to Him. May we stand ready to help one another, and to accept each others gifts of love and service. Most of all, may we acknowledge and accept the sacrifice of our Savior, who truly did for us what we could not do for ourselves," and it got me thinking about the person my children have helped me to become...how having them is an opportunity to serve and be served.

What if Emily is right, what if the fruit of our parenting labor is who WE become instead. Maybe we don't turn into grown ups to teach kids how to be grown, maybe children are born to remind us to be childlike. I mean the good book says "except ye become as little children" right? I suspect that one of the many reasons Heavenly Father gives us children, and all the lessons and reminders that come with them, is to help us be who He wants us to be. Now when facing a difficult time with my kids I'll try to ask "what do I need to learn from this" to myself and my Father FIRST and then maybe I won't need to wonder on earth my children were thinking, or maybe getting through such a time will be easier. I think the next chapter I read will be "If It Can be Vauumed Up, Wiped off, or Washed Out, Don't worry about it".

I Toaduhlee Love You Son, Love Mommy

2009-05-20T02:55:00.000-07:00

Whilst I was taking a TOFW and crying my fake lashes right off, my son went camping with the boys for the father son camp-out. How great to have such a wonderful an amazing home teacher that steps in when we need to borrow a "father" for various occasions...well at least I used to think he was wonderful anyway...

As I'm driving back from getting the girls, Home Teacher calls and says "I'm sorry the adoption papers didn't go through." I laugh and inform him I'm on my way and he can bring Mister Mister home in about twenty minutes. I was really looking forward to it actually, Mister is a self-proclaim/admitted Mommy's boy and Mommy is pretty into him too. This was his first camping experience that I can remember (and NO there weren't any pictures dang it Home Teacher) and I was anxious to see what he thought about it. Of course, I already knew...I mean he IS a boy afterall so can't imagine what there would be for HIM not to like about sleeping with bugs, peeing in the woods, building a campfire, getting dirty and smelling and no one nagging to take a bath and I was right....HE LOVED IT! I personally CAN camp, I just DO NOT enjoy it so hopefully these yearly events will work for both of us.

We get home, Mister Mister arrives about 10 minutes later and he comes bursting through the door...."Hey Mommy, I caught a toad." Now you see why I don't think Home Teacher is so wonderful don't ya...he didn't even WARN me when he called or anything.

"You caught a what...honey that's great (I was in my office emailing Hilary and Kris and checking email and stuff)." "Do you want to see it Mommmy?" WHAT, do I want to see it...you mean you actually KEPT it not just caught it and let it go...oh of all the horrible icky NON girly and Mommy friendly things my son could bring...a TOAD. And then this happened...

Through his tear brimmed eyes he looks at me and pleads "Mommy please please please can I keep it." At that very moment I realized every little boy needs a frog/toad/turtle/snake/lizard/etc like every little girl needs lip gloss and nail polish and so I said "Well son, it's too late to go get supplies tonight cuz we gotta go to the pet store and by the time we get there it'll be closed. Tomorrow is Sunday and you know we don't shop on Sunday so if your frog (he interupts with "it's a toad Mommy") lives till Monday, I'll pick you up after school and we'll get it what it needs and yes you can keep it," secretly hoping the thing would croak. Not the noise it makes by default, but croak CROAK, as in one of the many euphemisms for die. Yes I know it's terrible cuz toads are Heavenly Father's creations too, but I much prefer nail polish and lip gloss what with being a girl and all.

Toader (that's his name) lived till Monday, despite my son's "torment" or "playing" with him all weekend and after school on Monday we were off to PetSmart where we found Bob, icky boy pet expert. Bob is Masked Marauder's new BFF (scoot over Ms Hilary) because he got my son everything he needed to make a happy toad environment for CHEAP. I do cheap so well...it's next in line as my favorite price, right after FREE.

So now I am the proud (at least I am trying to be proud) grandmother of a not so lovely creature named Toader and while I could personally do without the frog or toad or whatever, my son came to me yesterday and said "I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love you so much. Thank you for buying me all the stuff for my toad. Thank you so much mommy I think this is the best thing you've ever done for me." He then placed his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug (you're thinking awwwwwww aren't you....it's ok cuz yeah it was an awwww moment for sure) and I knew letting him keep it, much to my dismay, was the right thing to do.

Sometimes even Mommy needs a time out

2009-05-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this blog or lucky enough to be a friend on one of those social networking sites that we're all addicted to, then you know that I've recently had the opportunity to attend a women's conference called Time Out For Women. Yes ladies and gentlemen (John you are reading this right?!?!?) even Mommies need a time out now and again.

I've been wanting to attend this retreat for more than a year but it wasn't close enough until this last weekend. Single parenting is often more difficult than people give it credit for and I was about 45 minutes late to the opening night (dang Gloria what did I miss...I shudder to think) but what I DID get was so incredible it'd be a crime not to share it with you all. Wait crime is the wrong word...not a crime I mean let's face it I'm not gonna be arrested for "failure to blog" or "refusing to share" but it MIGHT border on being a sin so let's not take chances....here goes.

I came in on the tale end of Sister Nelson's talk (her first two names escape me and I'm not going to take the time to look it up right now sorry...readers can post a comment with the missing information if they like...) and what I caught was this...take 1 question to the scriptures a day for 30 days and see if it doesn't change your life. And, yes of course, she encouraged us to keep a journal of the experience. Hmm I wonder if blogging counts as journaling and if so these people need to get with the times and call it what it is...BLOGGING. Oh wait I still journal TOO so nevermind...

So yeah she says that God will give us what we need, we simply need to go to Him and ask. I wonder what question I'll ask today...what question will you ask? I'd love to read them (this requires you leave a comment with your question...yes I'm fishing for all my readers to become commenters - is that even a word -...are you taking the bait?) and see what's on your heart and mind.

Then, after Sister Nelson spoke, I was blown away by the amazing violin talent of Jenny Oaks Baker. I LOVE violin...I used to play it when I was in third grade...not very well though...I remember my family's reactions when I'd practice. Oh well we can't be good at everything right and at least I tried though...certainly that has gotta account for something even if only an E for effort!!!!! Jenny plays BEYOND well and all the stress of getting kids all the places they needed to be, driving roads I've never traveled, being late, anxiety over finding the crew I was hanging out with and etc were erased from my spirit by about the 5th note...I didn't count but her violin soothed my restless soul that's for sure.

During the intermission, my good buddy we'll call M Squared came up to me and sang music to my ears...."we saved you a spot and we're like about 8 rows back or so" ok no that's not EXACTLY what she said so it didn't really need the quotes but we'll pretend (hey if Hilary can pretend I can too right?). So, I introduce myself to my new buddy Kris Belcher and her good buddy introduces himself to me so now me and Kim Nelson are good buddies too. Oh wait did I forget to tell you that these people are all famous in our LDS community...accomplished authors, musicians, etc. Sort of like LDS celebrities I guess. So I explain to Kris that I'm good friends with Oliva, the girl with red lipstick, who met Hilary Weeks (the Faith Hill of LDS Music I think) at Costco and Kris offers to introduce me....when she does, Hilary sweetly states "oh great now I'm really being stalked."...ha ha ha I LOVE her already! Music and humor what more could a person want right...

So I pose for a not so great picture of me and complete great picture of Hilary, taken by Kim and it's time to sit down for the rest of the show. Sheri Dew...head cheese at Deseret Book is the keynote speaker...I've read one of her books...but beyond that didn't know her from Adam or Martha for that matter. She's funny...oh man I like that lady too! Her and Sister Something Something Nelson (Elder Nelson's wife) were a hoot on stage together...they were talking about destiny sort of. Sheri said something about how the Lord knows precisely what we need to fulfill our mission. He knows who we are, He knows where we are, and He knows what we need. I guess I missed Sister SS Nelson's statement about having a pre-mortal "To-Do" list. And then Sheri showed a slide with a quote...brace yourself, this is powerful....

"We have the responsibility to serve as though the entire future of the church depends upon you or upon me." by yup you guessed it T.S. Monson my favorite General Authority...what pray tell you ask is he the authority of...well, as the only living Prophet on the Earth today - EVERYTHING. We don't have to agree if he's a prophet or not, we really don't, because I know he is and this is my blog so what I say on my blog goes....laugh I'm trying to keep it light cuz my intention is NOT to preach...I'll save that for another time and location.

And now back to the story...Sheri offered a solution to prevent Satan from disrupting our mission (remember pre-mortal to do list...I bet laundry was on mine). She said it's critical we realize who we are and what it means to be here at this time. Sorry John but the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of women. We are POWERFUL and we have GREAT influence...Sheri said "do you think Heavenly Father would risk the outcome of the world by sending in some mamby pamby women?" Ha ha ha no...I testify to you I KNOW that I've been sent to this earth at this time because I'm among the most valiant and noble of all the souls of heaven...are you convinced? I'm not either but I'm trying to be because it's true....you know what they say about saving the best for last....

Additionally, she says to combat Satan's ability to influence our mission we need to come to find out what the Savior REALLY did for us and lastly learn to hear the voice of the Spirit. She says we should pray for the Lord to teach us.

Let's examine that....I've been taught a lot of things by a lot of people. Some of them I've asked someone to teach me, others I've learned from by simple observation and other things I've taught myself or learned by trial and error but NEVER (at least not that I can recall) have I ever asked God to TEACH me...I've asked him to help me learn...but I'm not feeling like that's the same thing. To be humble is to be teachable right...why NOT ask God to teach you...I'll be doing that more often...I hope you will too.

Later S. Michael Wilcox said everything good in his life came from a woman...SEE John, we ROCK!!! Of course though, seeings how you love and adore the women in your life (myself included), I know YOU know that! Too bad more men in this world didn't...digressing sorry.

S Michael Wilcox said obedience is not perfection, obedience is trying. Say it aloud a few times...obedience is NOT perfection, obedience is trying. WOW you mean I don't have to be perfect to be obedient...talk about relieving the pressure sheesh. Emily Watts says our outer appearance is often a sign of our inner commitment (separate blog about Emily coming later she was one of my favorites). She also said it's important we learn to react on a principle not an emotion....there you go guys...the secret to us emotional women just revealed. We react to the EMOTION not the principle. It's not what you DO, it's what we FEEL about what you did.

Kim Nelson and his doily clad table with plastic grapes (yes he gets his own post too) taught that it's important we remove the garbage colored glasses and see ourselves as God does. Kris Belcher (remember she has super powers) was our concluding speaker and she told us her story and MAN what a story....she said we must give our will to Heavenly Father so He can do more with it than we ever could. Hmmm...I'm VERY willfully independent...with this statement I began thinking maybe it's time I become WILLfully dependent on my Lord. Told you, Kris got SUPER powers!

She also said when people say how God will never give you more than you can handle it's a complete lie...when I first heard this I was like WHAT how dare you be so blasphemous I've got the scripture to prove it's TRUE...and then she qualified it. God will never give us more than we can handle with Jesus at our side...that's called grace. WOW think about that for a minute....maybe the reason we feel overwhelmed and unqualfied is simply because we miss one key component of this concept....the "with Jesus" part.

There is SOOOOOOOO much more I could share but isn't this entry long enough...smile and nod because you KNOW you agree! So, here's what I'll do...once I can get my notes transcribed, I'll post them as a PDF for you to use as you will, but please don't use it to line your bird cages - that's just rude! When I post my notes, I will also include more information about Kim, Kris, Michael, Sheri, SS Nelson, and Emily (hope I didn't leave anyone out)...they were just as powerful as Jenny and Hilary and deserve the same props, but there's only so much one blog entry can contain.

So see...sometimes even Mommy needs a time out...I wonder when I put my children in time out if they have as much to think about as I do after having put myself in one?

Note to self: Waterproof adhesive

2009-05-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

I guess technically this post could also have been done at To Stir Your Soul but I'm choosing to put it here instead.

I had the distinct pleasure and privilege of attending Time Out For Women, an event sponsored by Deseret Book, since returning, my words have pretty much failed me. I seriously lack the words to describe (with any amount of justice) what I am presently thinking and feeling. My words ALWAYS come back (though some people probably wish they wouldn't LOL) and when they do I'll blog on the experience in general, but I wanted to share one of the most profound moments I had while there with all of you right now.

As you all know from reading my Over You post,...WHAT!!!! You didn't read it...go now, I'll wait.

OK there so NOW that you've read my Over You post, you know that I am audio powered. Because of this, it's VERY seldom music can move me to tears...I mean I listen to so much music (all genres and types), that it's rare I cry over songs anymore. Daughtry was the last person to make me do it but he only did it once. Hilary Weeks, accomplished LDS musician, had me crying ALL day, EVERY time she performed. And, while I often exaggerate, this is not one of those times...not even a little bit.

I'd like to say I've followed her career and been a fan for years, but I didn't know SHE was the one who sang "He Came for Me" (one of my FAVORITE songs from the CD Women at the Well) until I heard it on HER album The Collection and was otherwise in the dark when it came to her talent. I gotta tell you...out of such a lil gal comes a FIERCELY huge sound, but that's beside the point...let me take you back to the story.

So Hilary was our opening entertainment on Saturday and sang to us between speakers too. This allowed us to hear several of her songs the way music is meant to be enjoyed....LIVE woo hoo! She sang to my heart in a way NO ONE has ever done before - sorry Daughtry you just got beat by a girl! In fact, I was so moved and tearful I cried my fake lashes right off.

The song is "You Give" off her album If I Only Had Today and while it's not one she personally wrote, her performance of it hugged my heart in my Father's embrace. I know it hardly seems possible right...but yeah that's EXACTLY what it did. Here are the lyrics...

You give me sight
When I can't see
You give me breath
When I can't breathe
And You give me love
And You give me peace
And You always seem to give
Just what I need

You take my doubt
And replace it with truth
You take my fear
So all I see is You
You take me as I am
And You take me by the hand
You see to my soul and You take
just what I need

CHORUS: You give and take away
And refine me day by day
As You lead me through the bitter and sweet
I am trusting You to make me complete
Though You see the heartache
You're sending Your sweet grace
As You give
And You take

You give me strength
And You give me life
You give me hope
And you give me light
You take my pain
And You take my shame
You bless me to see the give and take
Is just what I need

CHORUS

Please send Your perfect grace
as You give
and You take

Over the last year or two I've been reminded of all the things Ex Knight has taken from my family. It's VERY hard for me to think about that word "take" without thinking about everything I've had taken from me and then I heard this song...it gave me a TOTALLY different perspective on the word. I'd like to share with you some of what I penned (formatted to fit this blog) after telling a glimpse of my story to Hilary and I hope that she'll understand my tears conveyed everything my mouth could not...

5/16/2009

It's about noon on Saturday and I'm in attendance at TOFW - I find myself completely ill prepared for this experience. I've needed this for so very long, but in being here, I've realized I needed it even more than I originally thought.

The speakers have been amazing and I've taken pages and pages and pages of notes but the music - oh my, the music is moving me in ways I didn't expect. From the amazing violin of Jenny Oaks Baker to Hilary Weeks to even the intermission music - all of it really but especially a Hilary Weeks song called "You Give" - she didn't write it, but oh how she sang it.

"You give me breath when I can't breathe." WOW! Get this though "you take my doubt and replace it with truth, you take my fear so all I see is you...you take me as I am and you take me by the hand." Take...wow that's such an ever present word in my life - usually with every negative connotation you can imagine.

Ex Knight took so much from me. My identity was taken, my home was taken, my family was taken, my faith, to some degree, was taken. My friends were taken, my hope was taken, my dreams were taken, and my children's innocence was taken; yes the list could go on and on.

And then comes this soul stirring song written by Tyler Castleton and Stacie Peters (Hilary please thank them for me) and sung by Hilary Weeks. Why have I NEVER considered this fresh perspective of the word take? Why have I not ever previously considered asking the Lord to take my pain, heartache, and fear? How refreshing it is to learn this now - every single day I can ask my Heavenly Father to take from me that which I lack the ability to handle alone.

My new prayer or goal is to allow Heavenly Father to freely give and take to and from my life and the next time I get to see Hilary Weeks in person I've got to remember to use waterproof adhesive.

This woman has SUPER powers...

2009-05-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sure if you asked her she'd say that they come from on high but I've got proof that my new friend Kris Belcher (love you girl) has super powers...

Here's why....5 years ago plus or minus a few days or months or whatever Kris lost what remaining eyesight she had. She is totally blind and yet somehow, with ZERO coaching from me or Kim, she managed to pull this off...

I could COMPLETELY do without my appearance in this photo and I'm sure Kim would find something witty to say regarding his too but, of all my pictures from TOFW...this one is nearest and dearest to my heart.

Kris, this is concrete proof that YOU my friend have super powers...or maybe your are just downright super through and through. Either way, I am so honored to know you. Thanks for being you so I could learn to be a better me and PLEASE do tell where do those super powers of yours come from and how do I get some of them?

WOW typing DOES count....

2009-05-15T08:10:00.001-07:00

After my last post, I actually decided to look up how many calories typing burns....check out what I found at this link....

Calories burned with Typing

Electric, Manual, or Computer

102 calories per hour

Assuming a body weight of: 150 lbs

Round is no longer a shape I enjoy being

2009-05-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly not one of those people that has ever obsessed about the freshman 15, sophomore 20 or whatever. I didn't get depressed when I had babies and didn't spring back into my my pre-pregnant shape immediately after pushing the kid out, nor did I much worry about the weight I gained in my marriage....I mean seriously who cares...round is a shape, therefore I'm in shape right....

Until NOW....I'm getting rounder and rounder by the second it seems. I've recently become painfully aware of how much my sedentary lifestyle is not always a good thing...I guess having a chocolate-raspberry bliss addiction and working in front of your computer isn't always a good combination....who knew chocolate makes you fat....maybe that explains it.

Actually, inactivity makes you fat and most days the most active thing about me is my fingers and my brain....hmmmmm I wonder how many calories typing as fast as I do burns....

Anyway....so I've decided I need to shed some pounds...how many I'm not sure. I'm not even obsessing about it...I just figure if I get a little more activity in my routine maybe I can lose enough to feel comfortable in my clothes again and stop having to buy bigger ones sigh.

In my lil spot there's a FANTABULOUS park....I mean really it is simply marvelous...it has a one mile walking trail and increments are marked at the quarter. It's a concrete path and this time of year it's an amazing journey....painful but amazing. Tuesday marked my first walk....today I may be able to take another (I spent Wed recovering and yesterday bike riding...I much prefer walking lol). I noticed with the first walk how much I REALLY wished I'd have had some convenient way to carry a water bottle....check out what I found at Wal-Mart for less than TEN dollars!!!

I'm sure it's SUPPOSED to be a fanny back but when your fanny is as big as mine has gotten it is more like a belly bag....either way, It has room for not ONE but TWO 20 ounce plastic water bottles (which cuz they're refillable is a little more environmentally friendly) plus convenient pouches to hold your camera, id, keys, money, whatever else you need with you on your walk. The only thing I'd like about it more is if it were purple instead of blue, but blue is becoming a favorite color too. You know you want one, so scoot on over to Wal-Mart and get yours today!

Over You (get your cuppa and get comfortable)

2009-05-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

Recently I created a quiz on Facebook about how well people know me. One of the questions was what song altered a course I was on and who is it sung by...

It was a nice summer afternoon and I was hard at work in my office...ok I'll admit I was just at work lol. I was somewhat distracted by some disturbing thoughts. It was a few weeks, maybe a month after I had asked Ex Knight for a divorce and I was OFTEN plagued with thoughts of inferiority and despair. Often consumed by doubting my coping ability, questioning did I really have it in me to endure the death of my family...or at least the death of my family as I knew it, contemplating whether or not I thought I could handle single parenting and coming to terms with the knowledge I'd soo be an "ex-wife" and the list of adjusments goes on.

On this particular afteroon, I was sort-of-not-really listening to the radio. Being audio powered FIRST (solar powered second), I have music streaming almost ALL the time no matter what I'm doing....on comes this song and by the second verse I was absoluetely in tears for reasons I can't even begin to explain. Lucky me I looked up at the satelite display just in time to see the artist and title...Over You by Daughtry. This song forever changed how I viewed my circumstances.

I just told you I was audio powered right? Not only do I pick up song lyrics like some people pick up stray animals, I also pay attention to the quality of the vocalist...what's their range, what octive do they sound strongest in, do they use "with you" or "witchu" when singing (something my Julliard trained choir teacher taught me YEARS ago). In short, I pay attention to HOW the song is sung, not just the lyrics and the score but also the intonation I guess.

After discovering song-title and artist, I immediately began searching the net for more information. Downloaded the track, found the lyrics and after about the 3rd or 4th listen had the song memorized....those of you know anything about my journey the last few years will understand COMPLETELY why the lyrics hit me....

Here's the first verse:

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me

OH MY GOSH are you KIDDING me....that right there said it all. Build me up and tear me down is EXACTLY what Ex Knight would do...and you should have HEARD how he tore me down the last few days of our relationship....I'll spare you that story. Well maybe it's more sparing myself the memory of the story. Yes I found myself quite literally cold and out of breath when our final words were said...in fact, even though I am the one that called it what it was...OVER, I spent the first 10 days or more crying over the loss. Whoever said getting divorced is often worse than mourning a death was DEAD ON and my divorce was actually pretty uneventful and a blessing in disquise.

I believe that in every relationship there is a time when one person loves the other just a little bit more....harmony or "The Notebook" kind of love then (in my opinion at least) is achieved when both people love each other exactly the same...why did Noah and Ally work so well....cuz she loved him the same way he loved her....anyway this isn't about them. I fell hard and fast and my entire world was wrapped up in being Ex Knight's wife and the Minis' Mommy....and, when I started looking back to discover when and where I was at my best...go figure I was BEST without Ex Knight....I honestly let him "get the best of me" often without realizing it and soon realized it wasn't him I loved or even fell for...it was the "him" I thought I could inspire, motivate or guilt into becoming....who he CHOOSES to be leaves a little...aww who am I kidding, it leaves a LOT to be desired...at least a lot to be desired by me anyway.

And now the chorus....this has to be my favorite part of this song! It left me feeling empowered from the first time I heard it.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Yes you guessed it...this particular afternoon I was feeling broken. Thinking I'd never get through this and maybe I should just stop the process...the first part of this chorus...."I should have started running a long long time ago," that was a kidney punch...I was journaling 5 months into my marriage how I thought I made a mistake, that I was afraid he'd kill me or my kids and yes I should have ran very far very fast at that very moment. God has a plan though...if I had run five months in, I'd not have Minis 2-4 and I'm very little without my children (even when they drive me crazy). I'm glad I didn't run at the 5 month mark because I got my youngest three however I SHOULD have...(a few more lines) and then Chris sings...."I'm FINALLY getting better"....emphasis on finally. Later it's "'cause the day I thought I'd never get through...(an interruption of sorts) I got over you. Those lines are sung ummmmmmm what's the best word to say....deliberate I guess. The music slows a little bit, the words are sung with more intensity, and the last line..."I got over you" interupts the holding of "ough" on "through"....it's fabulous... I continue listening with a careful ear....

Second verse NOT same as the first....

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Oh man...this was MY verse...if EVER one single verse of song (aside from spiritual ones) spoke to me this one did. Chris is using "hammer to these walls" figuratively however Ex Knight did this quite literally. The hammer being his fists....I can't even count how many holes he's punched in the walls of the homes we've lived in while together....not on all my fingers and all my toes plus those of all my kids, and all their classmates and all their parents and....yeah it was a LOT. My favorite part of this verse though is "and when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see, that you never were the best for me."

NO JOKE folks....just a few days before I heard this song I was having a conversation with a good friend and I told her this same thing almost exactly. I remember telling her that once I took off the rose colored glasses and could see Ex Knight for who he WAS and not who I wanted him to be I could freely admit he wasn't good for me. Over the last 10 years of my life, the times I was at my BEST were times he and I were separated or he was deployed. We also discussed how so many doors had opened since removing him from my home...I was discovering joy finally and people noticed it as much as I felt it. The chorus then repeats a few times with emphasis all the places I needed it most and I was HOOKED.

No, I DID NOT see Daughtry on Idol....yes, I really had no idea who he was when I heard this song. I do now however....when a new artist has me loving everything they do, I study them. I discovered Daughtry was going to be at the State Fair for a concert the following month...I HAD to go....I just HAD to. My amazing Visiting Teacher kept the kids for me and away I went. It was worth EVERY cent I paid and more....and he and his wife even waived to me when his tour bus left the fairgrounds.

This song was divinely inspired for me. It came at the PRECISE moment (ain't it amazing how perfectly calibrated God has our lives) I needed it and was or is what I believe Elder Bednar would call a "tender mercy" from the Lord, and though he doesn't know me from Adam, I think Chris was inspired to write this song for me and me alone. And now, here is a short clip of Chris Daughtry singing my divinely inspired song at the concert...unfortunately I didn't have enough juice in my camera to record the whole thing, nor did I think to start recording at the beginning but....

Over You became my power music for a very long time...any time I KNEW I was gonna have to deal with Ex Knight I listened to it on repeat till I felt like I had what it took to deal....any time I saw or heard from Ex Knight unexpectedly I listened to this song...and when I had temporary lapses in my judgement and considered staying with him, I listened to this song....haven't listened to it in MONTHS but yes, it's still empowering for me, even now as I listen and enter this blog.

Ex Knight I'm so glad I got Over You! Thanks Daughtry for writing/recording a song that helped me do it! To see the Over You video, please click here.

Is it possible

2009-05-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

that a love like this can still be found? Anyone who's read the post about Sweetheart knows that "The Notebook" is one of my all time favorite movies. I saw this video clip this morning and just HAD to share it. This is, in my opinion, how it's supposed to be. This is why I'm not sure I'll ever get married again...I want my own Noah, nothing more, nothing less. His name can be Michael, or David, or James or whatever, but he must indeed be a real life Noah. This is how I want to love and be loved...it's how I've always wanted to love and be loved....Ex Knight fell short and had me believing it was because I didn't deserve anything more...now I know better and will NEVER EVER settle again.

I've been fortunate enough to see love like this in the lives of those around me and I know it used to exist...if it still does, when Heavenly Father graces me with my own "Noah" it will be me screaming "I want to go out with you" and letting the magic happen from there.

In all the land

2009-05-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job: and their father gave them inheritance among their brethren. ~~~ Job 42:15

Nearly 25 years ago I was initiated into the International Order of Jobs Daughters (now known as Jobs Daughters International). A girls' organization for young ladies 11-20 (now girls 10-20 can join) who are related to Master Masons (I'm sure you've heard of Shriner's Hospital for Crippled Children right?!?!?) in good standing, or who are daughters of a Majority Member of Jobs Daughters. I honestly didn't even know what Jobs Daughters was at this time...it was just something my mom made me do because she thought I'd be good at it. Shortly after I turned eleven I was initiated and I got HOOKED immediately.

Soon I was "the Jobie"....that near photographic memory I have allowed me to master every part I was ever asked to serve in my Bethel, along with some of those I wanted to do and didn't; I set my sites on the Honored Queen position from the beginning! Now, not because I was girlie and she gets to wear a crown, but simply because she is THE BOSS in the Bethel and I've been known to be a little bossy in my life. I never did get that chance because life held other plans; however, I rediscovered my love for my Masonic bodies a few years ago, joining Amaranth and having Mini1 initiated into Jobs Daughters. Life is taking Mini1 away from this amazing organization but I am returning to it once again...last night I had to put my neurotic/tired behind to bed because I drove 180 miles round trip to watch Mini2 get initiated into this beloved order I have cherished since having joined it myself so many years ago.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy. They were taken with Pinky, my new camera, on the low light setting...still need to figure out how to eliminate the red eye with this setting but...

Nature Adventure

2009-05-06T02:34:00.001-07:00

Though having been a member of the church for more than half my life, I had never seen a "regular" Family Home Evening prior to having one of my own. I don't think I've honestly seen too many period to be quite frank...because of this, it's something I really struggle with doing for my own family.

***For my non-LDS readers, Family Home Evening is a program endorsed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's "scheduled" to be Monday nights (no church meetings or events take place on this night, most temples are closed, etc); however, we as parents, can modify that to meet our needs. The purpose of this dedicated night is to spend time together strengthening our testimonies AND our family. For more information on Family Home Evening (you don't HAVE to be LDS to do it), please click here.***

So anyway, my sister T is REALLY good at FHE...me not so much. And, I seem paralyzed if I don't have a program, a perfectly planned lesson (thankfully I get those emailed to me each week from LDS Living), refreshments, and the like...I'm not good at "winging" FHE at all. This is one area I'm striving to improve on because it seriously needs work.

So last week, I get this impromptu idea to combine two of the things we like doing most (taking walks and scrapbooking) and attempt to "wing" FHE, but the weather didn't cooperate. We were going to go on a Nature Adventure...sounds so much better than walking around the park doesn't it? Anyway...

The point of the walk was for the kids to collect 10 things that remind them of things they are thankful to Heavenly Father for giving them...they collected a bunch stuff, will pick their ten favorites and then we'll put them in an album for them to cherish. This week we only accomplished getting the walk done...I'll post pictures of their albums when they're done but I have to brag about the amazing children I have....

While at the park, I picked up a fairly straight stick and asked "does this remind you of anything you're thankful for?" Mini2 promptly said "yes Mommy it's the Iron Rod" and Mini3 chimes in "that's the word of God." And then of course we had to sing the song...the iron rod is the word of God, tis strong and bright and true....something like that anyway.

Here are a few pictures from our adventure:

Someone lost their shoe at the park...judging by the size that someone was pretty little. The kids asked could I photograph it because a shoe wouldn't fit in their books but they were thankful Heavenly Father allowed shoes to be created.

They are thankful for ponds that attract ducks because ducks are fun to feed and "please Mommy can we come back with bread next time in case there are ducks here again?"

This was my choice...I'm thankful for nature because it's beautiful.

I'm in love again

2009-05-05T05:34:00.000-07:00

and his name is Pinky...he's my new camera! My old one was dying a slow painful death...after some very not nice zoo photos on my youngest daughter's field trip I decided to put my camera out of my misery and get a new one. I'm LOVIN it...it's like hmmmmmmmmmmmmm what can I photograph next. I've not tried them out yet, but Pinky has a bunch of settings, including a low light one that should make photos of the next assembly/talent show/program so much better. I can hardly wait...being a scrapbooker, pictures excite me.

Here's a picture from the zoo field trip taken with the old camera...

Here's a picture I took yesterday in the same light (a bright sunshiny day) with the new camera

Just a little improvement right....I think we're gonna have to go to the zoo again just so I can get better pictures!

Meet Jazz

2009-05-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures of 3 of the 4 Masked Marauder Minis and Mr. Jazz. Since the boys in the family are severely outnumbered, we decided to make Jazz a boy car to help even things out.

If ever a perfect day existed...

2009-05-03T04:18:00.000-07:00

yesterday was it! It marked the anniversary of something pretty significant in my life (yes I know so of you may be curious but it doesn't matter so curious you must remain) and normally this day comes and goes every year with a lot of disappointment. That is until now at least....

It all began at shortly after Midnight on Friday night, which actually is really Saturday morning now that I think about it. Someone's extremely thoughtful gesture made me cry both happy and sad tears and then I began to ponder over the recent events of my life and that made me cry some more sad tears. Why...well because I was just feeling sorry for myself....Ex Knight lost something he didn't care even care about (me and the kids) while we've lost EVERYTHING more or less everything (both big and small things) and my mind was consumed over a few of the biggest losses and the tears just kept steady streaming.

Then I did what the donkey did in one of my favorite motivational stories and I shook it off and stepped up determining that yesterday would be great no matter what it took...and oh my gosh was I completely NOT prepared for this determination to come to fruition...if ever a perfect day existed, yesterday was it.

Several loved ones who remembered what a significant day yesterday is for my family called or emailed warm thoughts and then I purchased my family a vehicle yesterday too. See told you it is turning around nicely isn't it...???

After not having had wheels of my own for more than a year and living in a location without reliable or frequent public transit, this new car was like chocolate manna from heaven almost! Anyway so yeah I take possession of my new car (yes I'll send pictures later...his name is Jazz) around noon...and that's when my determination to have a GREAT day really payed off.

Wait let me remind a smidge....before Jazz came to live with us, the mail lady brought some WONDERFUL information to my mailbox and my mood was steady climbing....day was getting pretty dang good and I KNEW great was on the horizon. So now, after running some errands we were able to take in a film...GO SEE THE SOLOIST PEOPLE (who knew Jamie Fox could be a Rainman of sorts)....seriously it was PHENOMENAL. Digressing sorry....so yeah we ran some errands, did some shopping, and then hit the theater and tootled around some more just because we could.

We had lunch out and I decided we'd do the unthinkable and eat ice cream cake for a very late dinner; it was BLISS! I'm sure my children must have thought "what on Earth has come over Mom she doesn't even let us eat dessert without REAL food first let alone eating dessert for dinner...." ha ha ha. Since we were celebrating in grand style, my children decided to perform for me and even got the oldest of the Minis in on the deal...it was absolutely incredible!

We return to our humble abode for the night at like 9pm...now, given I'd pulled an all-nighter (adrenaline is not always a good thing I assure you) you would THINK I'd have fallen down dead asleep but nope....I was so high on life (wait maybe it was just the sugar from my dinner) the kids and I settled in to watch one of our FAVORITE family movies....Enchanted. Man I love that movie.

We've seen it so many times we have the lines to just about EVERY characer memorized and yes all the songs too...tonight's viewing was the best we've ever had. Using whatever we could find to dub as a mic (anyone know where we can get echo/toy mics...we need 5), we danced around the living room singing each song at the top of our lungs (badly too I might add) and laughed and laughed and laughed. We watched our favorite parts over and over and over....(apple, oh no thank you, it's good, oh ok....chokes grabs throat and croaks.....LOVE that part). As the day came to an official end, we closed it with a pillow fight and hugs and kisses!

I heard somewhere once something about life isn't measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away and yesterday was full of moments such as these and I am so grateful.

Double Digits

2009-03-27T01:35:00.000-07:00

This year marks a HUGE birthday for Miss Mini #2. She's turning 10...I can hardly believe it and while happy for her to be in DOUBLE DIGITS finally, I can't believe she's ten already. I can remember being pregnant with her like it was yesterday.

I remember the broken rib, the sleepless nights afterward, the hell she gave me come time to deliver, the way I felt when I finally got her pushed out and they laid her on my tum so Ex Knight could cut her cord, her first steps (on Mother's Day 2000), her first nickname that didn't stick (Ranga...ask me about it there's a story there too), her getting stuck under the futon as a baby, eating her sister's rubber lizard and the list goes on and on. And now this...

She's ten years old and "it's the big one Mommy" so we're now preparing for what she hopes is "the best birthday EVER"...she's elated, I'm not. Oh how I wish I could rewind or freeze time. Sadly, this is the beginning of the end...in two years she'll be out of Primary and in Young Women's, two years after that she'll be preparing for high school, 2 years after that I'll be teaching her to drive and 2 years after that she'll be 18 YEARS old...oh what I wouldn't give to have her be just 18 hours or days or weeks or months old again instead.

Months ago when talking about her birthday, she got this little gleam in her eye as she began dreaming of what this special day would look and feel like. Now we're just about there...in a smidge over 12 hours my home will be invaded by little girls. At last count I believe we have 10 coming and 6 staying the night and I will be the only adult for miles. Yes by this time tomorrow I'll likely be psychotic.

After finally picking a theme, I put my graphic design knowledge to work making her "the BUH-EST invitation EVER" that's "way better than any store bought one"...picture to follow in separate thread after I recover from my impending psychosis, ordered the cake, gotten matching decor, distributed the invites, taken and made umpteen calls to paty plan and coordinate attendance, ordered special cookie cutters for a project, made who knows how many lists and that's just what I can REMEMBER we've done so far...we're now entering the final stretch and soon it'll be time to pull it altogether as I endeavor to ensure not only does she have "the BUH-EST" invite ever, but also "the BUH-EST" party ever too!

Double digits now...wow how time flies.

Here she was at 11 months old:

And here she is now as an adorable and sometimes challenging 10 year old:

Spring Spring it makes my heart sing!

2009-03-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever actually paid attention to the grass as it changes colors? I do...I can't help it. My own little spot on the map is now coming alive with all the grandeur of Spring and I love it. Blooms are coming out on the trees, the grass is getting greener and greener daily changing from a course almost hay like feel to a soft and luxurious feel you can't wait to run through barefoot (though for now you have to otherwise you're feet will be covered in mud).

The other day I was gazing out my sliding glass door just marveling at the magic of Spring, my favorite season, when a little bird decided to take a time out from flying right on my satellite dish. I went for the camera but found it a moment too late.

I do love Spring. I love to sit at my desk in the wee hours of the morning with the window slightly ajar and just LISTEN. In the stillness of the early morning I often hear the distant chirp of birds singing me their good mornings. It's a sound I look forward to all winter and when the first serenaded Spring morning occurs, I am completely happy.

I love everything about Spring...the warmer temperatures, the fragrant smell of the air, the green grass, the beauty of the trees and shrubbery. Ahhhhhhhhh Spring!

All hail Heavenly Father!

2009-03-25T11:58:00.001-07:00

My nephew has been located and is now safe at home with his mom where he belongs!

Please if you've seen this boy

2009-03-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Call Vancouver PD at (360) 487-7455

He name is Issiah Charles Pigeon and he has run away from his Vancouver Washington home some time late last night or early this morning. He may also be in the Greater Portland Metro area. His family is worried sick.

My nephew is 5'3 and about 110 pounds and only 12 years old. He has also indicated he's had thoughts of suicide...please if you've seen him, call the police his mommy misses him and his family want him home safe.

Things that make you go ewwwwwwwww

2009-02-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

I had an extra toddler for a little while. I thought my youngest daughter was creepy when she did it but wow, check this kid out...

He was SOUND asleep...didn't even flinch when the flash went off. Creepy ain't it? I think I'm now grateful my lil girl's not quite this bad...

Dear Ex Knight

2009-02-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

Many of the therapists I've seen throughout my troubled life have recommended letter writing to anyone who has hurt or offended you, whether they ever read it or not...I know from experience that sometimes just writing the letter is enough.

A few days ago, I stepped out in total faith and done something I've been afraid to do since arriving at my own lil spot on the map and am feeling completely liberated! I've also been thinking it's time to write my letter to Ex Knight. Here goes:

Dear Ex Knight:

More than a year ago, I literally ran away from home because I was scared that you would retaliate for being arrested or act out one of your numerous threats. I've really struggled since leaving and so have our children, more than you can imagine or ever know. Our struggle has been largely dependent on your continued poor judgment and choice.

Because of it, our children have suffered much and given up even more. Our children have had anxiety attacks, been afraid to play outside, and afraid to talk to your mother for fear of saying something to her that, when shared with you, could be used to locate us.

I've consoled each of our children countless times because they've woke up crying from nightmares, always detailing you finding us and acting out your threat to kill one or all of us, I've wiped away their tears as they cried and asked why you don't love them, I've done my best to ease their fears, and I've struggled to be there for them when my own emotions make it difficult to even be there for myself. I've smiled when I've felt like crying, I've laughed when I felt like screaming, and I've picked myself up and dusted myself off so I could keep on keeping on when, in all reality, it would have been easier to give up and give in.

I should hate you. Nobody I know, except maybe your mom and family, would blame me for hating you. Heck a few people even actually encourage me to do it and yet I don't. Instead I'm grateful to you. I know, it's a strange concept considering how abusive you were, but really I am thankful beyond words for you.

Thank you first and foremost for my children. They are one of the two things that matter most to me in this world and I'd be lost without them. The sweetest sound in the world is that of them calling "mommy" and the best feeling I've ever known is that of their arms wrapped around me tightly along with the feel of their lips on my cheek. I owe that sound and feeling to you, thank you.

I'm grateful you were selfish. It allowed me to be selfless. When you put yourself first, it required me to put myself last. I learned how to go without the things I wanted so I could give our children what they needed. I also learned that "stuff" really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.

Now that I don't have to live with your rage, I find myself thankful for it. I no longer have to look at our precious children bruised and battered and demand to know what you've done. In fact, I've enjoyed a peaceful home for over a year now. One in which there are no fist/feet holes in the walls, no jugs of syrup thrown through the walls, no deliberately broken toys, no flying watermelon, and no interior doors treated like punching bags. If it wasn't for living with your rage, I might not appreciate all of those things the way I do now, so again I thank you.

I am grateful for your lack of faith in my God. It's allowed me to realize exactly how important my faith in Him is. I am grateful that you never lived worthy of taking me to the temple, despite being baptized and ordained to the priesthood. Your failure to do so ensures I will have no problems being sealed for time and all eternity to a worthy mate in the future. Your lack of faith in my God makes me appreciate this feature in others more than ever before.

I've learned to be grateful for your refusal to pay the full court ordered support. You do realize you are more than 2 grand behind right? When you don't, it often requires me to ask others for help. In asking for help, I've learned how to be a little more humble and countless others have been blessed for their service to our children and I. I am also grateful to you for this because it fuels my desire to work even harder to provide for our children.

I do however wish you would realize by not paying your support in full it only alienates you from our children even further. They've repeatedly shared with me that if you really loved them, you'd put them first. I also wish you'd realize that your shortage only hurts you and them. You because the debt will catch up to you eventually, and them because they often have to go without.

At any rate, I am also grateful to you for being essentially none of what I wanted and needed in a spouse and too little of what I did. I settled on or for you and my experience with you has taught me not to EVER do it again. Your failure to be who I used to believe you could be, let alone who I wanted you to be, has allowed me to realize I am valuable and don't have to settle for anyone who can't see that.

In closing, let me say that there are numerous other things I am grateful to you for; however, I lack the time to list them all. Aside from our children though, I think the biggest one is my new life. I am grateful to you for the life I now enjoy.

Your treatment of us resulted in criminal charges. Those criminal charges then caused a safety risk, that risk allowed us to move and the life we now enjoy is simply wonderful. Thank you so very much for the incredible life we now enjoy. Allow me to elaborate...

Though I've no longer a car to call my own, I live in the PERFECT location. There are banks, fast food restaurants and stores of every kind within walking distance. We have 3 different parks we can walk to, a library, a post office, and even a tasty little donut shop too. The apartment we live in now is better than anywhere we've ever lived with you and our neighbors are some of the best we've ever had.

Our children have "Grandma Grandma" back in their lives on a regular basis and countless other loved ones and family surround them. I've finally been able to experience the father-daughter relationship I've always dreamed about with a man I'm honored to claim as my Dad. And, though we share no DNA, he's shown me a father's love in ways I never knew that were possible. This love deepens the love I have for my Father in Heaven. It has also made me more aware of just how much my Heavenly Father loves me. My relationship with my Dad strengthens my relationship with my God and that in turn, strengthens everything else.

I have finally found joy in motherhood and spend countless hours playing with our kids. We do things together now we only ever dreamed of doing together before. We play hard and laugh even harder. We sing all our favorite songs at the top of our lungs and don't worry about whether or not YOU (or anyone else for that matter) likes it, we make silly faces, we play silly games, we are just well silly and it's so much fun! Our children have their mother finally...not a shell of the mother I pretended to be when we were together and it's been such a blessing.

We have a ward that we can rely on to help ease our burden when it sometimes feels to heavy to carry alone and they are EAGER to do it. I have local friends again! I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to be able to go out and not worry about what condition I'll find our children in when I return. I go out with friends a lot more now and it's been WONDERFUL. We attend the temple, we make the greatest crafts, enjoy new restaurants, attend each other's parties, hang out at each other's pools, and cry on each other's shoulders when we need to. Man I have MISSED friends!

Our daughters want to marry men just like my new Dad and their new Grandpa and our son wants to be just like him. The kids play outside again, they are doing better in school than they ever have, and are a joy to everyone who knows them. They're learning about serving others and are anxious to do it, and they love all the church activities we go to. In fact, they've even gone to church without me. We finally have a Christ centered home and it's wonderful.

Sure there are still struggles (like when you don't pay the right amount of monies, or they mistakenly think they've seen you or whatever) and honestly single parenting is really tough (but not nearly as tough as living with you was), but we are better than we've ever been. In short Ex Knight, now our lives are everything we've dreamed they would be and more and we have you to thank for it. Thank you for being abusive and controlling, thank you for being dangerous, thank you for making all the threats you did, thank you for behaving in a way that gave others cause for concern. Our PHENOMENAL new lives are a direct result of your poor choice and we are forever grateful.

I hope you enjoy your life as much as we do ours!

Sincerely,

Masked Marauder

Defining Moment

2009-02-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

"You should write a book!" I've heard many people say this many times and I'm pleased to report I've finally started writing again. Here is a taste, albeit a little raw, of the project I've just begun...

Lives are filled with defining moments; places in time when one is faced with a major decision, One that will alter one’s course forever. Those moments when one can say “my life has never been the same since...,” or “I don’t know where I would be had I not….” These defining moments sometimes occur by acts of one’s own volition and other times are simply a necessary response to the course of action taken by another. My defining moment came in response to the latter, actions taken by another. And so begins the story of my defining moment...

It was a frigid December afternoon in Colorado when the detective showed up unannounced. Having a somewhat wayward child, I assumed his presence was related to her bad behavior. When he flashed his badge I asked “what has she done now?” To my immediate horror, he informed me that it wasn’t the wayward child who brought him to my door, but an abusive soon-to-be ex husband instead. Oh no, my carefully guarded secret had gotten out and I could no longer hide the tragic fact that my children and I had been abused.

"Come on in," I stammered inviting him in. My stomach dropped to my toes, my heart began to race like an Indy car and the tears flowed down my face likely resembling a miniature version of Niagara Falls. This secret was what caused me to end my marriage; I never knew it would also begin my life.

Opposition in all things

2009-02-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a really trying last couple of days. My head has been pounding, my eyes have been crying, and my heart has been breaking as I struggle to provide for my clan.

There have been problems left and right and people keep saying "hang in there", but guess what I'm tired of hanging in. My arms hurt and are now stretched so far they now resemble Stretch or whatever he was called in Fantastic Four.

Ex Knight shorts me child support all the time and yet I'm powerless to do anything about it because the risk completely outweighs the reward. And yet, his shortage harms the people he claims to love the most...his children. Though not nearly as much as I used to be, I try to be optimistic. The optimistic side of me wants to believe that Ex Knight is doing the absolute best he can to at least provide financially, but the fact is I just don't know and his shortage hurts my children when I can't bridge the gap.

I feel ummm....I feel like a hamster stuck in the ball. I can SEE through the plastic and I know there is SO MUCH more out there but seem powerless to get out of the ball and into the more ya know?!?!? I'm tired...very tired.

I hate being STUCK. In fact, I hate all things even CLOSE to stuck. I don't like being in sticky situaitons, I don't like sticky hands or fingers or faces and I ESEPCIALLY hate being stuck. There's nothing more frustrating than being stuck. Wanting more, praying for more, working hard to get more, and being stuck waiting for it or not getting it. Yes I know, His time is not ours but that knowledge does little to help alleviate the frustration, heartache, and stress that accompany being STUCK. I feel completely stuck on stuck and I've NO idea how to move past it.

Over and over I've asked myself, my dad, and my God why. What on earth is the reason I've got to remain in this stuck position that I detest so much? And then I am reminded that the scriptures say there must needs be opposition in ALL things. Not some things, not a few things, not the easy things, not the hard things, not the fun things, not the sad things, not the happy things, but ALL things.

That concept has sometimes been really difficult for me to get my head around but I'm trying and somehow, when I think there's nothing left, I get on my knees, I get in His word, I dig deep and find just a little bit more as I continue to endeavor all the while trusting that this too shall pass. Hopefully it passes sooner than later.

If feelings were salad dressing mine would have been Italian

2009-01-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

January 15th marked the one year anniversary of the Masked Marauder Clan's arrival in our current spot. ONE YEAR...I can hardly believe the time has passed so quickly and have found myself doing a lot of reflecting on this past year...it's been interesting to put it mildly. A little over a year ago we arrived in our current location feeling a wild assortment of emotions. If feelings were salad dressing mine would have been Italian...

I remember my mom making it when I was a little girl...she put all the individual ingredients into the container and, until given a vigorous shake, you could see each separate ingredient...the oil, the vinegar, the seasonings, etc. The feelings I experienced upon arriving at my lil spot on the map were much the same.

If memory serves, vinegar and oil are the two primary ingredients of Italian dressing....my oil and vinegar was apprehension and relief. Probably equal amounts of both. The seasonings then were excitement, fear, uncertainty, sorrow, happiness, and the list goes on. Let's talk about the two main ingredients though...apprehension and relief. It really makes for an interesting sensation when equal parts of both are combined.

One part relief...

We were finally safe in a location unknown to Ex Knight. We were safe from any retaliation or retribution Ex Knight might wish administer. He is totally and completely unpredictable when angry and I don't suspect felony criminal charges and two weeks in jail made him a happy camper.

I experienced a HUGE sense of relief when crossing the state line but the relief I felt upon finally reaching my destination can't be adequately expressed with words. You see, half the Masked Marauder Minis came to our present location by plane and the other two drove with me. Pulling out and leaving two of my clan behind was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. And, then there was the drive....me the lone driver of a U-Haul, traveling roads that seemed to go on forever in a vehicle tons bigger than I'd ever driven before in winter of all seasons. Upon arriving and reuniting with the missing members of my clan I was relieved beyond words. We had ALL made it...we were FINALLY safe and we were together. You can't imagine the peace of mind in knowing that he couldn't get us no matter how hard he tried because he had no idea where we were!

One part apprehension...

Arriving wasn't the end though. Really it was a beginning of a new beginning. We had gotten here safely and were together but now came the realization that this was just the beginning. You see, I hadn't really thought about what would happen after we arrived because I was very focused on the act of arriving. Now that I had made the trip safely the realization of what would happen next finally set in. Now I had the daunting task of rebuilding our lives essentially from scratch. This might seem like an easy task, but when you consider we came with virtually NOTHING and had limited resources, it was a lot harder than one might think.

I believe that God put everything and one into EXACTLY the right position and ten days after arriving we were living in our own place. A task I thought would take months took just days. It is true what they say...when God closes a door, He ALWAYS opens a window. In my case, he opened a big bay window.

Now, you remember I said on top of the layers of relief and apprehension came excitement, fear, uncertainty, sorrow, happiness and an endless list of emotions right? It was exciting to have a place to call our own so quickly, it was exciting to move into a new ward and receive a warm and inviting welcome, and we were very excited to think about all the future held in store for us. We still had fear. For the Minis it was mainly the fear of being found. I, your Masked Marauder mainly feared taking care of the Minis. Could I do what it took to provide them with what they needed when my resources were so limited?!?!? Though there were times I didn't think I could, with God's help I always did. The uncertainty I felt related to the on-going criminal case and divorce and wondering what would happen with both and would anything be said or done in either that revealed our location (I guess that is fear again too). And then sorrow...leaving was hard. We said goodbye to some people we really loved and adored not knowing would our paths ever cross again. We lost a LOT in order to gain one of the things we now cherish most...our safety.

So there you have it, why, if feelings were salad dressing mine would be Italian. As I look back, I find I still feel many of these same feelings but now in varying amounts. Most of the apprehension has been replaced by relief and to the seasons we've added joy beyond belief.

To say the last year of our lives was tough is putting it beyond mildly, but I truly believe we've also grown beyond measure. We've experienced some of the biggest heartache and sorrow one could imagine, gone from living in a state of total fear and dread to experiencing a life richly blessed and drowned in happiness and laughter, AND, this is TRULY still only the beginning.

My mom loves Italian dressing and assures me that while the individual ingredients are nasty by themselves when you shake it all and pour in on salad it's great. I don't know about that, but I do know that when I give the bottle of emotions I have a good shake it has all come out OK in the end.

Twokuhneeshin Stomach Cancer

2009-01-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

Apparently this is a near fatal condition Mr. Man and Youngest Daughter cured me of last night. I had it bad. My heart stopped twice on the table and they had to cut me open to take the cancer out. It was touch and go for a minute....PHEW I'm so glad there's a qualified doctor who doubles as a surgeon in the family! Thankfully Mr. Man was able to "get it all out." Now I get to live....YAY ME!!!

That was the plot of last night's episode of "Doctor Makeover Clinic"...this made-up game I play with my youngest two children. I am always the patient. Sometimes a bad one, sometimes a great one. I've had every real disease you can imagine and several I've never heard of like "twokuhneeshin stomach cancer" (and no I'm not even sure if I'm spelling it right). Lucky for me they can cure me every time.

After I'm cured, they celebrate with me by pampering me. This time I let them take pictures...yes I'm even going to post them for your viewing pleasure. While Mr. Man is the doctor and Youngest Daughter his nurse, she is always the head beautician...she calls herself the head "makeup girl". Middle Daughter thinks the game is stupid but decided she wanted to do my hair this time and I was brave enough to let her put mascara on my lashes (she only poked my eye once...not bad). So if you ever need cured of a made up disease you can't pronounce let alone spell or need a makeover, I know people....

Aren't I beautiful...???

Here's a close up of my makeup...not bad for application by an 8 year old

And finally my new do.....

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Yup it's that time of year again and EVERYBODY is doing it. Normally, if you're like me, you've probably already broken at least one of your resolutions. Come on admit it...I KNOW it's not just ME that's normally guilty....ha ha ha the great thing (or not so great thing I've not decided yet), is that NOTHING has been "normal" about my life for the last 13 months. This year, I've decided to deviate from what I "normally" do this time of year....

Originally I decided this year the only resolution I was going to set was to resolve not to resolve hee hee! I mean if I didn't have any resolutions set, there'd be none to break right? Yeah I know...I'm not one to cop out on much of anything. So since I wasn't gonna cop out, I then began to seriously think about the whole concept of setting New Year's resolutions. And yes, I am fully aware of how dangerous it is for me to start thinking about something....often I can't stop.

Anyway after resolving to think about resolutions, I started to think about was just what exactly the word "resolution" means anyway....well there are lots of definitions (you can look them all up here if you like) but the one I like the most requires us to look at the word R-E-S-O-L-V-E

Sooooooooooooooo, to define resolve (using a little bit of each of my favorite definitions), I've decided that resolve means to successfully deal with a firm decision. It is this definition which I think sets so many of us up for failure with New Year's resolutions...

While we all deal with whatever it is we've been given (yes we ALL deal like it or not), the fact remains that a key component of the definition of resolve is often missing. The word "successfully" is often neglected. Poor successfully...when embraced, it often leaves one feeling full of warmth, accomplishment, pride (not the bad kind we're cautioned to avoid being lifted up in), and confidence among many other things. Instead though, successfully is often ignored. Yes, everyone deals; not everyone deals successfully.

As I contemplated what I'd resolve to do different in 2009, I spent a lot of time thinking about why people even make resolutions in the first place. These thoughts are what sent me to look up the assorted definitions of the word resolution...

***SIDEBAR*** I wonder if people don't make resolutions only so they can laugh at themselves or beat themselves up for breaking them. It seems to me that breaking New Year's resolutions is almost as much of a tradition as keeping them is. I mean haven't you joked with your spouse, friends, neighbors, parents, or whomever about how at least you kept this resolution that much longer....

The more I thought about resolutions, the more I realized that the concept of setting them is brilliant, it's our execution of the concept that is sometimes lacking. This year I will not make resolutions I know I won't keep like trying to regain my girlish figure, going to bed at a decent hour (I mean look at the time stamp uhhh yeah I'm an insomniac), eating better, (chocolate makes EVERYTHING better) cleaning this, organizing that, doing more of this or less of that....this year I have just ONE resolution. I resolve that this will be the year I:

Rediscover

the Extremely

Successful

Opportunities

Lurking

Virtually

Everywhere

Apparently Another Volume

2008-12-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Sweetheart and I have finally managed to have that talk...it appears we're both feeling the same way. Basically that when it is meant to be, it almost always is.

I do have to say almost always because, with that free agency thing God has given us, sometimes, whether we realize it or not, we jack His plans ALL the way up...thankfully though we've been given the ability to repent and make it right.

Anyway so Sweetheart and I have decided that we're open to writing another volume. He has some things that he needs to take care of first in order to make him more suited to do his part in a relationship and, as you all know (or can find out by scrolling down and reading previous posts) after things with Ex Knight and Charming Lad, I am more than willing to put on my brakes and let the loving of a good man come to me when God decides it's my turn. Now, if that man comes in the shape and form of Sweetheart, whom I've loved since I was very young, well that will be an added bonus I think!

Either way, even if Sweetheart and I don't write another volume together, it is equally good because as Noah says in my favorite love story, The Notebook:

"I am nothing special; just a common girl (he said man) with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

Still sweet I think

2008-12-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

The last few days I've found what's left of my mind full of thoughts and feelings about my high school sweetheart. Crazy I know! I mean that was like "in a land far far away" kind of stuff but it is what it is I guess right?

Five years ago he traveled to my location to meet our daughter for the first time. Ex Knight was ummmmmmmm maybe in Iraq at the time I dunno, anyway Ex Knight was gone and Sweetheart was meeting Baby Girl for the first time. It was a very interesting sort of emotions all at the same time. I was frustrated it had taken Sweetheart so long to FINALLY meet our girl and I was a lil miffed with Sweetheart's parents for not telling me he was with them till after I said sure come meet her we'd love to see you. And then, there was the depth of emotion and feeling I realized I still had for Sweetheart when I opened my door and saw him standing there.

I need to back up a lil bit though...Sweetheart and I have known each other a very long time. When Baby Girl was three weeks old, I broke up with Sweetheart. Not because I wanted to, but because I kind of had to. At the time of our break up, he was irresponsible and immature. Getting pregnant required us both to grow up and sadly only one of us did.

Often over the years, even after marrying Ex Knight, I wondered about Sweetheart. What if I'd have stayed in his location, what if I'd have never called it off...what if "IF" happened...now here he was again in my home, in my presence, and suddenly I realized that NOTHING had changed. OK well nothing about how I felt about him had changed anyway. I was still as in love with him as I ever had been.

I deliberately kept my distance, wouldn't get close enough to touch him. When I saw him tuck Baby Girl in and prepare to say good bye my heart blew up and I invited him to stay the night with her. When he accepted, I slept in my room with the door closed and LOCKED. Not because I feared him coming in, but because I feared me going out. With his visit I realized how we had never had closure really and I was still desperately in love with him despite the time and space that had occurred between us, despite being married to Ex Knight, despite leaving, despite his failed attempts at gainful employment and doing the right thing by our Baby Girl. Basically, despite everything I was still in love.

So now we fast forward to present day...I am single and so is Sweetheart. He is now establishing a relationship with Baby Girl and he's told both of us repeatedly that I, Masked Marauder, am the only woman he's ever loved and that he still loves me. Baby Girl states he told her just a few days ago that he loves me to death and in one of our recent conversations, Sweetheart says he's wondered "what if" every day since that fateful day long ago when I left and took Baby Girl with me. Sweetheart says he realizes that my options were scarce and understands why I made the choices I did, but that he's not been the same since.

That got me thinking for a while and then the chaos of a move and Ex Knight's court case and all this other drama served as a thick fog making thoughts of Sweetheart difficult to return to. Now though, as life has settled into or down to normal, I find myself thinking of Sweetheart daily.

I think I'm honestly still sweet on Sweetheart. In the movie Casper, spirits cannot fully cross over to the other side when they've got "un-finished business" on this side. To say Sweetheart and I have some unfinished business is putting it quite mildly. We didn't break up long ago because we wanted to, because our parents made us, or even because I moved back home (we were good at the long distance relationship thing).

I had my own apartment and was working full time but my rent was going to triple when school started and my pregnancy made my hours at work slow down (the chemicals I worked with weren't good for Baby Girl). I wasn't going to be able to afford to pay rent much longer. And Sweetheart didn't find a job or get his own place in time for me to be able to stay. By the time Baby Girl was three weeks old, he still wasn't working or living on his own and I just called it quits. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember how I felt. Those of you around me at the time reading this will likely remember too...despite as many as I know, I lack the words to describe how breaking up with Sweetheart felt.

So now in a bizarre twist of fate, Sweetheart and I are in a position where we could maybe get or have a second chance. There are still a lot of hurdles to overcome...time, distance, ummm religion...lots of things. I mean we've known each other 18 years so the list is endless but it all boils down to this:

I'm still sweet on Sweetheart.

Ok so there, I've admitted it...now the question is, where, if anywhere, do I go from here? I mean some stories can't be told in just one volume...look at Harry Potter, The Eragon Trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the list goes on...

Maybe Sweetheart and I are just beginning the next volume, maybe our story is indeed over. Who knows, I sure don't. All I know is that I'm still sweet and can't help but wonder what if he is too....

TO BE CONTINUED...

Grown Ups Can Play Tag Too

2008-12-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

My friend Olivia tagged me, so now I have to let you in on 6 random factoids about myself:

1. I can type faster than a speeding locomotive. I guess 120+ wpm is fast right?!?!?

2. I am the oldest of the 5 children between my parents.

3. I can't read music, but love to sing. I've been told I'm pretty good at it too.

4. I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders...even daddy long legs.

No it wasn't funny being forced by Ex Knight to watch Arachnophobia and I've had nightmares about camel spiders too.

5. I have a psychotic obsession for the color purple. Seriously...I've bought tons of random things just cuz they are purple whether I needed them or not. Pens, paper, stationary, stickers, fabric, thread, clothes. Basically if it's purple, I'm naturally drawn to it. I almost took my can opener and iron back when I saw purple ones a month later and yes I'm thinking about buying the purple ones anyway.

6. I could have been a real life Doogie Houser. I guess back in 1st grade or something my school administrators told my mom that with her permission I could have my high school diploma by 13. She said no though dang it...

Bonus: I am a published author and photographer.

Bonus, Bonus: I am one of the rare few that are "middle-brained." The survey I took says I am open minded but not gullible about things or people. I may run into trouble making decisions sometimes, while my logical brain plays tug-of-war with my gut instinct (boy is this the truth). I enjoy the arts, but also do well in science and math. I appreciate the beauty of all things in life, and am well-rounded. Middle brain students would do well on The Apprentice, since they can have a strong mix of gut instinct and an appreciation for numbers. I could have a strong career in business, but may not go that route; I was more interested in studying the arts and sciences in college.

Now I have to tag 6 other people, but the only friends I have that I know blog are Olivia, Laura and Lynn. Olivia tagged me so Lynn and Laura I'm tagging you!

Here are the Rules:

1. Link this post to the person who tagged you: Olivia

2. Post The Rules on your blog. (see!)
3. List 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Kids say the most amazing things

2008-12-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult parts of single parenting is having ALL the responsibility of both mom and dad draped beautifully across my shoulders and often weighing down my back.

Though Ex Knight has been ordered to do his part financially, there's no telling if monies are coming, let alone when and how much so now I find myself trying to balance the traditional roles of the dad, along with my preferred role as the mom. You know, bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan...

It's tough. More days than not go by with a long list of stuff undone, often coupled with my own inferiority complex. I know, my name is not Linda Carter and I didn't make the role of Wonder Women famous, but now find myself trying to balance it all...I don't have a choice really. I have to learn how to be Wonder Woman.

Money only matters when you don't have enough...seriously. So, it matters a LOT in my life right now. My mind is almost always busy thinking of ways to increase my income without risking Ex Knight finding me (trust me if he does it won't be pretty) and how I can balance my mom duties with my dad obligations to support my family.

Apparently I'm failing miserably at the mom part because tonight my son says "For my birthday Mommy I just want you to play with me," and then the tears began streaming down his face.

A dab of foundation and a little lipstick

2008-11-30T17:59:00.001-08:00

With the recent holiday, I've been ever mindful of all the many things I have to be thankful for, but this morning found me even more humbled and grateful...not for the big things like you'd expect, but for the very mundane and simple teeny weenie things.

You see, a soon-to-be Eagle Scout in my ward is doing a project for or with or regarding the homeless. He has decided to put together backpacks of various essential or helpful items and donate them to a local homeless shelter for distribution to the homeless men and women in our area.

Ex Knight is nearly $1900 behind on child support and having only one income in the house makes having monies for extras a rare occasion. I'd say that maybe once in a blue moon do I find myself with EXTRA monies. Extra money...is there really even such a thing as this? Is it kind of like leftover...is extra money what's available after you've tithed, paid all the bills, set some aside for savings, bought your children everything they need, bought groceries, put gas in your car (heck these days you need extra money just to keep that up), and ummmm well yeah I have typed in error. Having one income makes having any additional monies for other totally worthy and notable, but not essential causes, almost impossible.

So back to Eagle Scout's project...he had a specific list of things he'd like included in each backpack. We were asked to donate the backpacks themselves and the items on the list. Monies being as tight as they are, I didn't think this was a project I could help with as much as I wanted to. I mean let's face it, as well as all are or may be intentioned, not everyone can help with everything...

Then what to my wondering eyes did I find (yes I'm starting to look forward to Christmas) but the PERFECT opportunity for me to help! At the bottom of the flyer was a list of some EXTRAS that would be GREAT to include and it was stuff I had lying around anyway.

Long, long ago in another life, I used to be a skin care consultant for a Texas based cosmetics company. I got caught up in the pink haze my former National Area oozed and when I finally navigated through it, I found myself on the other side with a massive amount of stuff I wouldn't use and had no interest in selling. I couldn't just trash it. I mean I paid GOOD money for that stuff dang it! So what if I knew I'd NEVER use it, throwing it away was like throwing away money to me and since we've established there's really no such thing as EXTRA money I'm not about to freely throw it away. Problem was, it was just sitting here taking up space...until this morning.

As my darling daughter and I sorted through hundreds of dollars in product removing the stickers that had my contact information on them, the most awkward feeling came over me. Instead of being grateful for finally being able to unload this junk I found myself contemplating how I'd feel if I was one of the women on the receiving end.

Then I realized how much I truly have to be thankful for.

The extras I had chosen to donate to Eagle Scout's project would likely be viewed as precious treasure in the hands of those less fortunate than myself . Now two weeks ago when I thought I'd give this junk to Eagle Scout, I felt like a kid in a candy store knowing I'd FINALLY be able to get rid of this junk. Today however, while removing the re-order labels I was almost sad thinking about the women who's faces I'd likely never see and wondering how they'd feel to receive my "junk."

I began thinking about how much better I feel when I have my face "made up" and my hair combed and "real" clothes on as opposed to being naked-faced in the comfort of my over-sized flannel pj pants. If you saw my look-good-feel-good stash you'd be amazed or sick I'm not sure which. I've got smell good soaps and lotions and sprays enough to wear a different scent every day of the week for more than one week probably; I've got so many different cosmetics (especially lipstick or gloss) the problem is often "which look do I want to wear today", and, although most of the time I just tie it up in a bun, I've got gorgeous flowing locks that a lot of women would die for (trust me someone different tells me about it each week at church) and the flexibility to wear them pretty much however I want. The point is...I've got enough STUFF to make a small Army look, feel, and smell beautiful every day for some time. Heck I might even have enough stuff to beautify a small country...I'm kind of a hoarder.

Anyway, as I peeled labels off bottles of cleansing gel and lotion, jars of powder, tubes of foundation and the like I found myself wondering how I'd feel if I didn't even have soap. Let alone smell-good-feel-good stuff. I found myself no longer excited to be ridding myself of this junk, but feeling a measure of gratitude beyond words (and I know a LOT of words) for every little comfort I enjoy. I'm so thankful for a roof over my head keeping me safe from the elements, clean clothes whenever I choose to do laundry, the ability to leave my table after EVERY meal feeling satisfied if not stuffed, hot water, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, combs, gel, mousse, shampoo, hair color cuz I'm WAY too young for this gray I got, and the list goes on and on...

I'm especially thankful for foundation and lipstick...I know in my own life a dab of foundation and little lipstick goes a long way...I hope it will do the same for the women on the receiving end of the gift I now feel blessed to be able to give them.

His was a chronic condition

2008-11-28T06:29:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time a beautiful young woman was visited by a charming lad. Soon the lad presented the young woman with a ring and a question. The young woman, overjoyed and excited, said yes and the two became engaged. Almost immediately, the young woman discovered the charming lad suffered from a most chronic and SEVERE case of a dreadful condition.

You see, the charming lad suffers from a horrendous condition of yeahbut. Surely you are familiar with this condition. It's likely that everyone you know has been afflicted by it in varying degrees throughout their lives. Rumor has it that this condition is more prevalent in society than the common cold. It is at least ten times easier to catch and five times as difficult to recover from. The only known cure can be found in forsaking certain things and embracing others...often this is extremely difficult for people to do hence curing the condition is often impossible in many cases. Charming lad's case was one such as this.

In fact, his was the absolute worst case the young woman has ever seen. She noticed the symptoms early and spoke to him about it. You can imagine what his response was...yeah but. She thought that perhaps this condition only afflicted areas in which the charming lad had not gained a complete understanding. Unfortunately, it seemed to be prevalent in every area, seemingly permeating the charming lad to the core.

The young woman told the charming lad about a letter she found from the 1st Presidency...his reply was yeah but. She reminded the charming lad about the counsel that has been given repeatedly regarding R-rated movies, again he said yeah but. The charming lad sent pictures to the young woman and she had to remind him again that such images were not in harmony with gospel teachings and again he responded with yeah but. The young woman shared her feelings regarding the charming lad's profile and again he came back with yeah but. He even had a yeah but response concerning the holy garment he that he would soon be wearing. Eventually the young woman couldn't handle it any longer.

A wise friend of the young woman's reminded her that a team of ox will continue to move forward even if one of them is moving at a slower rate of speed. This wise friend also pointed out that if one of the team decides to lay down in the field, the other only has two choices. Be stuck, or break the yoke. The young woman found this explanation very helpful and she began to ponder the message shared by the wise friend.

The young woman had been reluctant to call the engagement off for a variety of reasons. She loved the charming lad and couldn't help but think once he sojourned to the holy house of the Lord he'd gain a greater understanding. She did her absolute best to be patient and support her charming lad, hoping he would bridge the gap between their degrees of spirituality. There was just one problem...

Charming lad decided it was more advantageous to sit in the field. His chronic condition continued to infect his body, mind and soul and every time the young woman spoke his reply was always yeah but. Soon the young woman began to have some doubts and again she began to ponder.

The young woman now had to decide if she was willing to trust charming lad's condition would be reserved for the little things. Given he seemed afflicted with this condition on something as holy and sacred as wearing of the garment (a rather BIG thing in the young woman's opinion), the young woman decided she had better not take chances. If she allowed her mind to run away with itself she could envision her charming lad and her conversing about bigger things like family prayer, scripture study, church attendance, keeping the Sabbath and numerous other subjects. The young woman feared she'd say something like "Charming lad it's time for us to do family scripture study" and his response would be "yeah but I'm busy" or tired or not ready or other similar and assorted remarks.

You know from a previous post that this young woman had already spent way too many years with Ex Knight and she wasn't willing to make some of those past mistakes over again. Did she love her charming lad, but of course. Did she think she and her charming lad could be wonderful together...absolutely. The problem was she also believed that her and Ex Knight could be wonderful together too. She had fallen in love with the concept, what could be versus what actually was and she promised to never do that again.

Charming lad's condition was so unpleasant and awful the young woman was unable to deal with the the affliction any longer. When he refused to do anything to recover from his condition, the young woman called the engagement off. When the young woman contacted her charming lad to verify his address so she could send back the ring, he, much to the young woman's surprise, didn't even respond with yeah but. In fact, the charming lad made no attempt to convince the young woman he was seeking treatment for his condition. He gave the young woman no hope that it could or would be any other way. Days after calling off the engagement, the young woman was shocked to find that her charming lad had been acting in ways inappropriate for a betrothed person for quite some time and she was relieved to have found this information sooner than later.

So now the young woman is again single but she continues to be happy and full of hope and cheer. She has learned some very valuable lessons from her past and is thankful that she's been given the wisdom and courage not to make those same mistakes again. The young woman knows the gospel is true, she knows that families are an essential part of the plan and she is confident that God will send the one exactly right for her when He is ready for her to have him. Her experiences with her charming lad have helped her more carefully examine the things she desires from or in Mr. Exactly Right and she has discussed the modifications with her Father. She is faithful and will rely on Him to provide.

The young woman cautions readers to be very careful of the yeah but ox. Theirs is a very dangerous breed.

Love they neighbor as thyself

2008-11-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

So the most interesting experience occurred today at Stake Conference. An event I don't ordinarily like too much and I'm listening to the speakers and, as is usually the case for me, they're all talking about ME personally. Not literally but yeah they could have been cuz so much of what they said was so very pertinent.

Bill Marriott was our concluding speaker and he talked about how essential it is that we develop a higher opinion of ourselves...wow who knew it was OK to be stuck up and conceited...no no that's not what he meant at all but he did point out that the scriptures say to love our neighbors AS ourselves...he then posed a simple yet profound question...how indeed do we love ourselves?!?!?

I'm sure I'm the ONLY one in the world that does this, but I know I personally seem to maybe love others BETTER than myself. I am absolutely my own worst critic that's for sure. No one else has to be hard on me cuz I'm hard enough on me to make up for at least a dozen people if not more. Ok so I'm exaggerating a little bit, I am only really probably hard enough on myself for HALF a dozen people LOL!

President Marriott says it's ESSENTIAL that we develop a higher opinion of ourselves and then goes on to outline a 5 Step Plan. I thought it was pretty simple, something I think I could actually do and so I'm sharing it with you.

Step 1: Rid yourself of guilt for past sins. We are commanded to forgive...EVEN ourselves.

Step 2: Learn how to handle failure and defeat. Always do our best no matter what. As long as we do this, even though we might not win, we will never be defeated.

Step 3: Focus on others. Get lost in service. Serving others feels good and feeling good is an important part of thinking highly of ourselves.

Step 4: Take charge of our life. We can choose to act versus being acted upon and must MAKE things happen instead of letting things happen.

Step 5: Work hard to develop our spirituality. Give thanks, ask for help, search ponder and pray and of course, read your scriptures.

This really got me thinking...if the scriptures are true (and I know they are) then it is REALLY ok to love myself as I love my neighbors...time to love myself a little more I guess. Thanks President Marriott for outlining a plan to help me do just that.

Songbirds

2008-11-23T14:23:00.001-08:00

"Good Morning Mommy" says Youngest Daughter. "I made you breakfast in bed," she continues as she takes very deliberate and cautious steps toward me with a tray containing a bowl of my favorite cereal and a nice cold bottle of water.

I'm surprised and grateful and as soon as my mouth is full she exclaims "by the way we have to get to church today cuz it's Stake Conference and me and Sister are singing in the choir." She immediately retreats with the Ward Directory in hand and begins the task of arranging a ride to one of my least favorite Church events (it was actually a great Conference which I'll blog about in a separate entry)...secretly I was hoping everyone had already left and we'd be unable to find a ride.

Youngest Daughter arranges a ride for Sister first and Sister only has like 10 minutes to get ready to go. She's still in jammies and hasn't eaten either. Another couple phone calls and Youngest Daughter reports that she has arranged a ride for the rest of us and we have about 15 minutes to be dressed and ready to go. WHAT...I'm still in bed cozy under the blankets...

I jump out of bed and frantically try to pull myself together enough to be "presentable" and while putting on mascara we hear the familiar buzz of the call box announcing our ride has arrived. My eyes still feel swollen, I've just thrown something on, there was no time for a shower, I have not had time to inspect their attire to make sure it's church appropriate, our ride is here and of course we can't find the keys.

We look under cushions, under papers, on counters, on shelves, in the bathroom, in the living room EVERYWHERE only to find Youngest Daughter had them around her neck the WHOLE time. UGH..."Hurry out the door it's not polite to keep people waiting," I grumbled and we race down the steps.

Thankfully we are early enough I actually get to sit in the pews this time and our Sister Missionaries comment on how great I look...this day is looking better already.

As I look to the stand I see can see the tops of Sister and Youngest Daughter's heads present and accounted for in the Ward Choir. They are EIGHT and NINE years old and the chapel is packed, the overflow packed, AND there are EVEN rows of chairs on he stage behind the overflow but they are not nervous at all. I guess they didn't have to be, cuz I was nervous enough for the three of us I'm sure.

The Stake President announces that the Choir will now sing and honestly I don't even remember what they sang...my children stand on cue of their Director and all of a sudden I was an oozing mass of pride and love. Good thing I had skin to hold it in. Look, those are MY girls. I just kept thinking how did I get so lucky to have such great kids?

At the end of Stake Conference, when I went to the stand to thank what was essentially the keynote speaker for his remarks, Choir Director thanks me for allowing her to borrow my songbirds. I can't explain the pride I feel but it's ok cuz I don't have to. The mom's reading this either already know or will soon discover that pride and the rest can imagine it I'm sure.

If each happy ending's a brand new beginning then

2008-11-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

what is a bittersweet ending?

Friday I had the final court date with X Knight and though it went my way and decisions were made that help ensure safety for the Masked Marauder family, it was kind of bittersweet.

X Knight was given an opportunity to speak and I could tell from his tone of voice and sniffles he had been or was crying. Elder Scott, in the April 2008 General Conference, said how when we forgive it allows us to feel sorrow even and yeah that's totally where I was.

Hearing Mr. Lawyer tell a few pieces of our story was difficult to listen to. It's one thing when I tell it, or when the Masked Marauder Minis tell it but to hear a neutral party tell it...man it honestly SOUNDS worse than it plays out in my memory if that makes sense at all.

So here I sit feeling sorrow for X Knight on one hand and complete relief on the other. So sorry X Knight that you miss the Minis and that you had to hear Mr. Lawyer tell some of the awful things you've done to them and how they feel about it. Must be pretty hard to know in your gut that YOUR freedom has come to you at such a high cost and I'm sorry you lost them but then on the other hand it's like well but you should have TOTALLY thought about the feelings you are NOW having when you were abusive.

It's a strange series of emotions it really is. Added to these emotions were the fear and anxiety I had over something being said that would compromise the safety of my Minis. Mr. Lawyer though is a pro and he was detailed and vague all at the same time. Nothing was said or done to compromise the Masked Marauder Clan and that is a GREAT thing!

When it was all said and done, Your Honor ordered the no contact order continued and required us to let her know where our spots on the map are at all times. Yes my spot is classified! Long as X Knight has integrity (and no I'm not holding my breath cuz he's never had any before) and is truly willing to stay out of the Minis' life unless and until they want him in them ,well I will likely never have to hear his voice again. This is a VERY good thing cuz just the sound of his voice is enough to make me cry, make my stomach hurt, and make me tremble in fear.

I'm relieved it's over over now finally but feel a good degree of sorrow that his choices required me to use my agency to make decisions I probably wouldn't have made otherwise. Did I make the right choice...of course, I know that and everyone else does too. Sometimes though, good choices feel hard and this has been the hardest one yet.

So the song says "each happy ending's a brand new beginning" anyone got any ideas on what a bittersweet ending is?

Stir Your Soul

2008-11-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

Just a short note to let viewers know I've added another blog called "To Stir Your Soul" (click the title of this post to be taken there).

Here I will share random stuff to stir your soul...maybe even move it who knows.

Inquiring minds want to know...

2008-11-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, before you take the time to read this blog, I need to give you the "fine print".

***Please be advised that some of the people I suspect who will read this blog are those who I knew once upon a time and am getting to know all over again. They are they who've not seen or heard from me in a few years. As many as oh like 15 or so in some cases. Others who read this blog will know me well, and I suspect still others won't know me at all and you know what...it's all good cuz this is my story and I'm sticking to it.***

Now that we've gotten that out the way...get up, grab your favorite beverage, a blankie if you like and sit down and get ready for a nice long read. Those that know me well can tell you I'm always good for a story...

Let's go back in time...the year was 1994. After a failed attempt at college in a sunny and warm location, I returned to the land of my birth. Still feeling the need to edge-u-muh-kate myself I decided to attend community college and had a much better go at it. Some of the stress in my life at the time I attended school in the sunny warm spot was gone, I was surrounded by family and had lots of support so I seemed to be more successful.

It's now April of 1995 and with the excess monies I had from financial aid I decide to take a cross country road trip to visit my high school sweetheart I was still a lil (ok no a LOT) crushed on. He, being the gentleman he was and TOTALLY diggin me, took me on yet another road trip to meet my "other" brother. You see, there are two by mom, one by dad...the "other" one is mine by dad...

Anyways so yeah I meet my middle brother, his mom, 2 of my uncles, one of my aunts, and my grandmother. For the first time in 20 years, all in one night....yeah talk about an emotional thrill ride I'm tellin ya. It was AWESOME though!

My dear sweet grandmother....awww I miss her so much...she died within months of meeting me. But alas I'm getting a head of myself in the story....

After returning to the land of my birth from my visit with high school sweetheart, auntie calls and says grandma's not fairing so well and I should come stay with them and have some time with her before she passes...I did just that. On my way to their home however, I stopped off for a rendezvous with the sweetheart...a few weeks after arriving at Uncle and Aunt's house the stick I peed on said UT OH you're having a baby now you better grow up. Well no, really it just turned the color necessary to indicate I was positively pregnant...

Moved into my own apartment right next to the college I wanted to go to but never did . During the summer I worked and spent hours trying to get my head around the fact I was about to be a mom and wasn't married and was LDS and....

Then school begins and my rent triples. My modest income wasn't enough and baby daddy honestly wasn't much help...it was time to again return to the land I hailed from and I began making my tearful goodbyes.

It's now August of 1995 and I'm back in the land of my birth. Living at home, going to school again, (fortunately my little hiatus in a far off land didn't impact classes), and preparing for impending mommy-hood right.

September dawns and I'm forced to go camping much to my dismay. While I can do it, it's totally NOT my favorite thing to do. I kinda like things like electricity and running water along with indoor plumbing and ummm matresses. Digressing again I do apologize...

Upon return from that eventful camping experience I get some very disturbing calls...when finally getting someone in the distant land to answer my call, I get the saddest news I've ever heard. Glorious Grandmother has passed away...I'm crushed and unable to attend the funeral.

On October 17th of that same year I have an ultra sound...finally a first peak at the little bambino who I was SHORE would be a boy (cuz that's just what high school sweetheart's family do) and yet to my amazement the tech discloses "it's a girl." WHAT...I'm ELATED and sad all at the same time...Grandma was right! You see, when we had that tearful goodbye she put her hands up on my tum so gently and boldly stated what the tech just confirmed...a daughter would soon take me from young adult to mommy. Wow, I was totally NOT ready....

Now it's February of 1996 and I've a beautiful little girl. I am still in school full time but working full time too. Sorry but "welfare mom" was never in my top 1 billion most important things to do in life list...

A year later I found my Knight In Shining Armor (not high school sweetheart...us having a baby required us both to grow up but only one of us did....) and after a short engagement we said I do. Three weeks later, my blessed grandfather passes. And 5 months later I was wishing I had said I don't intead of I do...that may be a tale for another blog. Suffice it to say he was not knight, not shining and well WE needed to be wearing armor.

Marriage, complete with assorted trials and tribulations (some huge, others not so big) happens and three months in the stick says another baby is going to join our family...we get excited only to find out the stick lied. Miscarriage number 1. A few months later another stick says a baby is on the way and in February of 1998, yup you guessed it miscarriage #2. A separation, a reconciliation, and finally in 1999, baby number 2.

And then they just KEPT coming...a trip to parts unknown to see a husband accomplish a milestone results in conception of baby number 3 and shortly thereafter we're off to a place of lofty grandeur.

Now would be a good time to get up and stretch....get a drink if you need to, go potty (yeah I know but I'm a mom that's what we call it)...go ahead I need to stretch too. I'll be back.

Ok where was I...aww yes the dim days of Spring 2001....

It's more of the same....much miserableness intertwined with a glint of happiness here and again...alas we did just one thing well and soon baby number 4 is on the way. Yes I had 3 babies in 32 months...am I crazy...not any longer, but at the time, yes, I certainly was.

12 weeks into pregnancy number 6 (4 live births, two miscarriages) not so darling husband decides he's done "playing house" and we file for divorce...AGAIN. He's sent to foreign soil just weeks before the only boy was due and somehow we made it through....

Now it's May of 2002 and a reconciliation has just occured. Promises of change and hope, this and this and that as well, but yes they were empty, as you likely could tell. Fast forward now to April the following year and it's off to foreign lands again for the one I used to call dear...

Don't ask me why I just went into rhyme lame I know sorry....digressing again....I told you I'm new at this bear with me.

Sending my husband and children's father off to war was an experience like never before...looking back now it wasn't so bad but during the time frame there were many days I didn't know if I could drag myself out of bed ONE more time and drudge through the day...somehow though, I did. EVEN when my then 3 year old darling daughter caused a 30k dollar flood...again a tale for another blog perhaps.

So now it's March of 2004 and his tour is up. We had the proverbial honeymoon phase and soon a man that was already bad when angry went from bad to worse...we lived in hell for a little over 3 years, once again with happiness sprinkled throughout.

Have you seen Finding Nemo...you know when they're in the mine field with the sharks...that's what it was like living with him. He was the shark, we were the fish and everything else was the mines. To my surprize however, the tide turned. Some bad habits were stopped and even an ordination to the Aaronic Priesthood....a temple marriage he promised would be coming too. Good thing I quit waiting for it....

He began working locally in July of 2006 and by December I realized our marriage only worked cuz he was never around...I didn't much care for him now that he was. That was the beginning of the end...

Now it's May of 2007 and instead of being a good and righteous example I've followed my husband in unrighteous endeavors. I was MISERABLE. The scripture say Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy right...well there was not even so much as a drop of joy to be found...

I started my own business in May of 2006 and worked obscene hours just so I didn't have to do the "Mom and wife thing". I woke up with him next to me thinking "UGH why are you still here"? I tried and tried, I sacrificed everything, including my morals in an attempt to give him what he claimed he wanted and the only thing I got in return was verbal, emotional, physical and yes even sometimes sexual abuse.

Our home environment was AWFUL, everyone was unhappy, I had no idea where scriptures were so I obviously wasn't reading them, family anything religious caused major contention and to be quite frank....I would end my prayers with and if I just don't wake up tomorrow that'd really be fine with me.

Ok so I've decided I just CANNOT take this friends with benefits sometimes but really more like roommates thing my "husband" (I put it in quotes cuz by this time it was by legal definition only) and I are doing. I'm tired, I've had enough, I REALLY DO believe that Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy (yes WOmen too) and I wanted my joy.

I approach the children one warm June evening and try my best to explain that our family is breaking up. That it takes two to fix what's wrong and I'm the only want that wants or is willing to make the effort, that I just don't love Daddy the way I should as his wife and it's time for him to go. I proceed to explain sort of how divorce works...you know with mom this time, with dad this time....and then everything changed....

Two of my three children present began to tremble...if I didn't know better I'd almost think we lived on the San Andreas fault like cuz they were literally QUAKING in fear. The third began to sob uncontrollably...what came next is pretty much every parents worst dream. Only the perp was Daddy...I was ummmmmmmm....yeah I don't quite know the right word to describe it but the decision was now CRYSTAL clear.

Oh wait rewind...not but 48 hours prior to this I had pleaded with Father to be my compass and point me CLEARLY in the direction in which he wanted me to move...THEN came this conversation and yes it was totally translucently clear...beyond crystal clear.

The next day I called my future ex husband at work and asked for a divorce stipulating the conditions...given the bargaining chip I presented he really had little other choice than to comply. What happened next is classified but I will conclude this blog by saying this...

I have once again sojourned to unfamiliar parts, only this time accompanied by the 4 most INCREDIBLE little people on the whole face of the earth (I'm mom I'm biased I know) and we are now embracing the most incredibly OPPOSITE life. We're happy, we're safe, we're loved by many, and we're together. This whole 11 year, 3 month and 7 day process with darling ex hubby (made darling of course cuz he's now an X) was VERY turbulent but it got us where we currently are and life is grand. We lost a lot in the process but were able to keep what matters most...our faith and our family.

Remember, without family, little else matters.

Here is my family...my reason, my why!

My first official blog...

2008-11-20T01:49:00.000-08:00

Well here we are...thanks to the inspiration of Mrs. OSV, not to be confused with an SUV, and the suggestion of one of my favoritest gal pals, who I'll now call Friendly Singer, I've given birth to the Masked Marauder blog.

I'm NOT exactly new to the spoken or written, well typed actually, word. I have quite the gift for gab...just ask Friendly Singer's mate how many times he's heard us go through more or less the entire dictionary and I type CRAZY fast...so fast it's scary my children say. I am however, brand spankin...oh wait no I don't want a spankin. Anywho, wait that's a people locator right? So yeah, I'm new to this whole blog thing ...please bare with me. Errybawdy seemztuh be doin' it though, soz I figure it's prolly my turn to bite the bullet, and catch the wave while I jump on the band wagon and do the dew!