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Look Up I Say Look Up

Once again I have had the chance to attend a Time Out For Women weekend. This is going to become my new habit I think. So much of my life is chaotic and this last week has been one I could have lived a million lifetimes without ever having had to endure but endure it I did. After the horrible start to the week, followed by an even worse midweek I was ready for it to come to an end. What I wasn't quite ready for though is for it to come to an end quite the way it did. I attended TOFW last year too so I thought I was prepared...guess that's what I get for thinking cuz um...yeah sorry so wasn't prepared.

Where was I headed next...lemme think...sorry my thoughts are still a little scattered right now. Oh yeah so Friday afternoon just moments before needing to walk out the door to join the girlies for TOFW 2010 I discover something that just leaves me feeling violated and angry all over again and I told Verizon I didn't even want to go. Go I did and I am so glad.

The drive up, or is it over? Over and up maybe? The drive to our TOFW venue taught me a couple of lessons. Adult women, when away from kids and husbands and crazy neighbors are really just teenagers in bigger bodies. We laughed and giggled and screamed in surround sound! It was so much fun. We arrive in the heart of the city and proceed to find our hotel but instead drive around and around and around and around and around and maybe around again. Finally we decide to just park and get our get our hind parts over to the convention center. As luck would have it, I wound up with FRONT ROW seats WOOT!

I need to back up a little bit though...back to that around and around thing. We couldn't find that dang hotel anywhere no matter how what we did. Being women we even stopped and asked for directions, but still couldn't find the hotel. As we left the parking garage and headed to the convention center we were forced to look up..or maybe we just naturally looked up...and right there in front of us just one block away was the hotel.

That experience kept coming to me over and over throughout the event but I didn't quite get it until Mercy River performed their closing song and after the last lyric was sung, they all stood there so beautifully heads lifted to the heavens. They looked up and then, at that precise moment in time, I knew where the prompting came from...

Had we have just looked up, we would have known the hotel was on our right and not our left. Had we have just looked up, we'd have known exactly how to get to where we wanted and needed to be, but it never occurred to us I guess and we remained off course.

I'm sure I'm the only one that this happens to, but when I'm down and discouraged the muscles in the my neck forget their function and my head drops. I find I look down way more than I do up. The plus side of this though is I do get to see a lot of fabulous shoes! I have always thought it was because maybe I wanted to hide the emotion in my face from those around me or because it is easier to pretend nothing's wrong when you don't make eye contact with people or the strange medical phenomenon that happens in my neck or a million other things. Or maybe, I look down to hide from the one person ready and willing and fully capable of helping me. It didn't occur to me that perhaps this was a the exact opposite of what I should be doing...looking up. Look up I say, look up.

Look Up I Say, Look Up

©Masked Marauder

When you can't see around the next bend

let alone the road's end

LOOK UP

When the light disappears from your day

and darkness appears intent to stay

LOOK UP

When you lose control and find doubt

when you feel stuck with no way out

LOOK UP

When you are out of courage and hope

when you lack the strength to even cope

LOOK UP

When you are surrounded by people yet you feel alone

when you want to just crawl under a big stone

LOOK UP

When you feel insecure and afraid

and wonder if you should have stayed

LOOK UP

When you find yourself weak

and unable to find any words you can speak

LOOK UP

Look up I say, look up to Him who knows

in His perfect like everything glows.

Look up to Him for courage and find strength

for your redemption he's suffered great length.

Look up to Him and find directions for life

certain to provide comfort no matter what your strife.

Look up I say, look up no matter how dark the day

look up and he'll show you the way.

It needs some work I know....

How many times in our lives do we drift a bit off course and look down or sideways instead of up? How many times do our struggles seem to difficult to bear and we lose our hope and our courage and our strength for no other reason than we fail to look up? How many times do we need answers and look to our friends, neighbors, family, the Internet, food, addiction, shopping, education, music, etc for the answers; answers that are often incorrect?

What if, instead of circling over and over in the wrong direction we'd have just pulled over and looked up to our Heavenly Father for his wisdom and guidance? Do you think He could have told us we were just a block off course and shown us exactly how to get where we needed to be? Do you really think He cares about us enough to help in all the little things? Of course, but then I wouldn't have had the inspiration to write this blog now would I?

How they know

So I posed some questions to my children: "Do you know I love you by what I say or by what I do" and "What do I say or do that makes you KNOW I love you...here are their replies:

Mommy's Boy says: I know you love my by what you do. You kiss my owies, you hug and kiss me, you protect me and keep me safe, you give me courage to be the better person and walk away when people are being mean, and sometimes you let us outside without tickets. You let us go to friends' houses when we're supposed to be doing our chores. You also say that you love us and show that you love us. You do the best as you can at being a mom. You discipline us. You buy us movies and that's all.

Sass Master says: I know you love me by what you do and say. You take me to Panera by myself, you snuggle with us, you let us watch t.v. when we're supposed to be doing chores, you take us to the park and the zoo and you take us places we've never been. You tell us to keep our head up and you take us to scrapbooking stores and scrapbook with us. You let us have a kitty kat, you buy us fishies and give us packets so we can not be bored at General Conference and you let me share a room with you.

Come-back Queen says: I know you love us because you care for us. You let us go outside when we're not supposed to, you take us to church, you teach us the gospel, you provide for us by giving us food, clothes, and a place to live, and you struggle to make it so we can get stuff. You share almost everything with us, you worry about us more than you worry about yourself, you try and take us swimming, and you try and give us as many vacations as you can. You create stuff for us like the amazing wall we have.

How will they know I love them

One of the silly songs my kids and I sing together comes from Enchanted. Giselle asks Richard how Nancy knows he loves her and then breaks into song. "How does she know that you love her? How do you show her you love her?" As I evaulate my curtain circumstance, I find myself asking this question a lot when it comes to my children.

Will they know I love them because:

I dole out consequences for bad behavior or give them room to make mistakes so they can grow? Or maybe they'll know I love them because I insist on teaching them to fish versus just giving them one. Will they know I love them because of the sacrifices I've chosen to make for them? Or will they know because I tell them over and over? Will they know I love them because I endure despite the difficulty, because I refuse to give up, because I have gone to great lengths to keep them safe, because I am trying to get college over and done as fast as I can so I can find a job capable of supporting them all on my own? Will they know I love them when, thinking they are all asleep, I finally allow myself to cry and they hear me? Will they know I love them when I sleep as much a week as most people sleep in 3 or 4 days and can be grumpy as a result? Will they know I love them when they realize that sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me going??

There are so many questions I have like this, but the ones that often cause me to lose sleep at night are these:

Will they know I love them when:

I stayed in an abusive marriage way longer than I should have?

I kept doors open that I should have not only locked but thrown away the keys to?

I lose my temper and yell at them?

I can't always be at every school function?

I've cried tears I should have hidden from them but didn't?

I chose to work and go to school both giving me less time to spend playing with them?

I have to say no way too often and yes not often enough?

I couldn't trust enough to give my heart to someone again?

I tried and failed?

I've made mistakes and forgotten to say I'm sorry?

I've gotten mad at them for no reason?

I don't know how they'll know, I honestly don't. I just hope that somehow they are able to know and understand how deep the love I have for them goes and that they'll be able to forgive me for all the mistakes I've made and all the ones I'm likely going to make in the future.

Personal Narrative

Week 2 assignment in English Comp. Enjoy!

November 10th, 1991 is a day I will never forget and not just because it is my sister's birthday. It is the day I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My life has never been the same since. While I can't recall all the details of my actual baptism, I can recall what led up to this decision. Whenever I remember these events, they play out in technicolor in my head.

You see, I had been raised in a baptist church. The local church bus came to pick us up real early on Sundays and we got back late in the afternoon. My mother found it the perfect daycare situation and we were on that bus every week, whether we wanted to go or not. Every week the preacher got up and talked about why all the others denominations of Christianity were wrong and every week I listened. At the know-it-all age of 16, I approached my pastor with some specific theology questions. None of them he had answers for and I decided I wouldn't be attending church there or anywhere else until I found answers.

Time went by without much thought to the conversation I had with him until about a year later when my sister called me and told me she was getting baptized. I remember my response vividly. I said to her "what do you mean baptized, you are Catholic and have been sprinkled already." It was then that she informed me she had decided to change her religion and was getting baptized into the LDS church. I dropped the phone and FLIPPED out for real. Granted I knew NOTHING of how LDS people believed, I just remember my minister telling me their belief system was wrong. Sadly, I refused to attend her baptism; it is one of very few things I wish I'd have done differently.

Shortly after her baptism, we were traveling to a friend of mine's house. To get there, it required we drive right past the Portland Temple. To my dismay, my sister asked "isn't the temple right around here?" Before I knew it, we had deviated from the original course and were now on our way to the temple. I was angry, scared, and convinced we were going to hell. My sister and the boyfriend she had at the time got out of the car and didn't even ask if I wanted to come with them to walk the grounds. I figured if we were all going to hell for being there anyway, we might as well go together and quickly joined them.

The first thing I noticed was how quiet the grounds were. The Portland Temple is situated just off a major section of interstate. I could throw a rock from temple grounds into the highway if I wanted and yet, on temple grounds, the traffic is barely audible. After walking around the entire building I was willing to admit only one thing: it was absolutely beautiful. We got to the door of the temple and a woman dressed in white opened the door. Because I was the only one appropriately dressed, she only extended the invitation to come inside the building to me. There was NO WAY I was going in there. Are you KIDDING me. Heaven only knows what these people would do to me once they got me in there. I started backpedaling and my sister looked at me with her beautiful sad brown eyes as if to say "please sister, I'd do it for you" and I though I did demand they send search and rescue in for me if I wasn't out in 10 minutes, I relented.

When I stepped onto the foyer's carpet the first thing I noticed was how velvety soft and padded it was. I imagine walking on this carpet must be what it feels like to walk on clouds. Everything was so simple and elegant. It was just beautiful, too beautiful to even begin to describe. Off the foyer is a garden room. The walls are marble and the ceiling is glass. Large flower beds provide sanctuary to an array of vegetation. I remember the orchids and bamboo because it was so uncommon to see things thing in Portland in October. I found a bench to sit on and just sat there thinking and reflecting and embracing the spirit of the temple. I looked through the glass ceiling of the temple at the spires and statue atop the temple in awe. And the peace, oh how I remember the peace. My life was in a little bit of turmoil at the time and here, in this building I never wanted to be in in the first place, I was finding perfect peace. After what my sister reports to be about 45 minutes or more, I finally returned to her and her boyfriend. The first thing she said was "wow her entire countenance is different."

We never made it to my friend's house that night. Instead, we went back to our apartment and I had a long involved conversation with my sister's missionaries. We talked all night and I came to an agreement. If they had detailed answers to my questions, I would let them teach me about their faith. As promised, the missionaries had the answers I had been seeking and 10 days later I was baptized. Now, some 18 years later, I have no idea where I would be today had it not been for this experience. Without this experience, I'm not sure I'd have ever joined the LDS church and without the LDS church, I don't know where I'd be.

Meet Gregor

My first writing assignment in English Comp was to write a one page description of a character for a reading assignment we were given named Gregor. I had to answer what color he was, how many eyes, mouths, and teeth he had, did he have wings, how big he was, what his body looked like and what his voice sounded like. Here is my submission:

“Am I well and do I need anything?” thought Gregor. No, no he was not well indeed.

Standing just 27 inches tall and weighing 10 pounds, what Gregor lacked in size he certainly made up for in heart. Gregor’s heart was so big, his chest would glow a faint shade of green with each beat. When he was excited or in the presence of someone he loved, his heart would beat so rapidly the faint glow of green was constant. Gregor’s glow was constant most of the time and he was often ridiculed for it, but Gregor’s big heart was not the problem this time.

Like each member of his family, he was purple from head to toe and his skin felt like velvet. He had the traditional overly large head of those around him and two of his three eyes were red. The third, the one that could actually see into the very soul of people, was a soft shade of blue. This soft color made people want to get lost in Gregor’s gaze and that’s what enabled him to see their soul.

Gregor’s two legs made up more than half of his total stature and his tiny torso barely had room for his three sets of arms. The hands on each arm contained different digits, allowing Gregor to do a variety of tasks. The hands on the arms closest to his head contain a thumb and forefinger on each hand. This allows just enough dexterity for holding and picking up things. The hands on the middle set of arms contain one thumb and two fingers and serve to further allow Gregor to pick up and hold objects. The hands on his last sets of arms contain a thumb and 6 fingers and allow him to do just about anything. Gregor never has to ask for anyone to give him a hand because he has all of them he needs.

His wide-eyed toothless grin and glowing heart has had people falling in love with him for years. He was the only son in a family of 33 children and everyone was waiting patiently to for his tail to develop. Males of Gregor’s species develop tales in adolescence. The color of these tales is used to determine the primary function of each member of the species. Gregor’s family was hoping his tale would be gold. This would mean Gregor was destined for leadership among his people. His family had been waiting for weeks with no signs of an emerging tail; each of them grew more and more concerned.

On this morning, the unthinkable happened. Gregor successfully fooled his mother into accepting his normal deep voice but in all reality, Gregor’s voice had developed and unusually high pitch to it. It bore quite a resemblance to the sound made by speakers when a microphone is too close and this caused Gregor much concern. Only the female half of his species had voices like this.
In the quiet recesses of his room, Gregor tried to clear his throat hoping this high pitched tone was the byproduct of something being stuck in his throat. No matter what he tried though, his deep baritone voice was gone and he wasn’t sure he could face his family. To make matters worse, instead of a tail having developed, Gregor now had black wings. Wings were exclusively reserved for women. Wings were a necessary appendage on the female portion of Gregor’s specie. Like many human women, the women of Gregor’s specie often had way more to do than they had time to do it and wings allowed them to flitter to and fro diminishing the travel time between tasks. Gregor could not believe he had wings and felt betrayed by the parents he loved. So much so that his heart no longer glowed green constantly while in their presence. Somebody certainly had some explaining to do.

Having been raised a boy his entire life, these new physical changes made him anything but well and he needed a lot, but how would he dare begin to explain this to his sister let alone face her?

Human Resources

For my Success Strategies course I am to write about the "human resources" I have to support me in my educational goals. The instructor identifies these people as those outside school who support me when I face challenges. Specifically, I've been instructed to answer the questions "how do they help you when you have challenges?" and "if you have an issue, how will your resources be of assistance?"

I am blessed to have many human resources; it would be impossible for me to list them all by name. Here are some of the ones I rely on most, in mostly random order:

The Minis: They are my first source of unyielding support and they are the reason I'm even doing this whole school thing all over again in the first place. They help me when I have challenges in a few different ways. First, they do more around the house for me so I have more time to focus on school. Sass Master has learned to cook and can pretty much follow any recipe and together her, Come-back Queen and Mommy's Boy (new names for them) do almost all of the chores in the house. Sass Master is also pretty professional on the phone, so she can take a good message when the phone rings and I'm studying and she can make appointments or cancel them for me as I need as well. They can't do anything for me when facing a school specific challenge, but their love for me and belief in me keeps me encouraged. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me encouraged.

Verizon: I think she has been my biggest supporter my entire life. She has always been the one to believe in me, even when I'm doing wrong and even when no one else does. She tells me on a daily basis how proud of me she is and her support has always been invaluable. Already she has helped me get through a few challenges in Anatomy and Physiology. She is always there to offer an encouraging word, text, or IM just at the precise moment I need to hear it. We were talking about this class this morning and she pointed out that she thought it was good for me to be challenged by this course (unlike her, I do not enjoy science nor does it enjoy me) because none of the others are. She remembered/reminded me that without a challenge, I get bored and when bored, I lose drive. I cannot afford to be bored my first quarter in school. Additionally, because Verizon has gone to school with me in the past, she knows the caliber of my intellect and has already reminded me that, while it may take a more focused effort, I am smart enough and talented enough to get my head around A & P. If I have an issue, Verizon will help engage my brain and problem solve a solution with me if that engagement isn't enough to help me solve the issue on my own. Everyone should have a human resource like Verizon in their school or life supplies!

Bear: In the dictionary, when you look up "unconditional love" there should be a picture of my brother Bear. He is one of the most incredible men I've ever known. He's one of those people who makes you feel better just by being around him. A hug from him often fixes everything that's wrong in my world, even if it's only temporary. Bear helps me respond to challenges by keeping everything nice and laid back. Sometimes I struggle and face challenges simply because I get bent out of shape over something or caught up in worrying about it. Bear is as cool as ice. He doesn't ever seem to get his "cage rattled" and I'm not sure I've ever even HEARD about him being angry, let alone seen him lose his cool. Often all it takes to solve the problem is a cool head and Bear has helped me get mine back more than once.

Daddy: My Daddy is the wisest, smartest man I know. He and I have had some very heavy and intensely deep personal conversations. I mean he IS my Dad after all. The way my Daddy helps me respond to challenges is to believe in me and remind me that my Heavenly Father loves and believes me even more than he does. This is HUGE. I would suggest that, aside from my son, no man loves me as much as my Daddy does. I know he loves me by what he does for me, what he says to me, and how he uses his influence and love for the benefit of me and the Minis. When he reminds me that my Heavenly Father loves me even more and before I was Daddy's daughter, I was first Heavenly Father's daughter, it helps me appreciate my worth. Like Sass Master IS her mother's daughter, I am my Heavenly Father's daughter. All that He is, I have the capability of being and often this gentle reminder from my Daddy is all I need to tap into the greatness he knows I have inside me.

MissWisc: This is my BESTIE! She herself says "We've been kickin' her butt for years, no reason for it to stop now." She is good for a butt kicking that's for sure. In fact, I owe part of being back in school to her as well. She has been sending me links for scholarships and various other things to support me in my goals for years and years...at least 10 if not more. She is quick to remind me to put first things first and, like each of the rest of my human resources, believes in me when I am unable to believe in myself. MissWisc often helps me think outside the box. She helps me see not just the big picture, but the entire picture and can put anything in perspective. When commenting on how much more fun it was to take chipmunk tests on Facebook instead of read for school she said reminded me I could only take chipmunk tests "if you want to be a chipmunk when you grow up. Do your schoolwork then play, understand?" MissWisc is one of a few people not afraid to give me "tough talk" when I need to hear it and does so in such a way I am able to internalize it and make changes.

Lyrica: This gal is something else. She is one of the most brilliant minds I know and a HIGH C personality type like me. She's been my go-to-gal on many things for many years. Master P, her hubby, has picked on us repeatedly for the duration of our conversations (we can't help it though we both know and use a LOT of words), but she's always been great at helping me find my words when I've lost them. She is a wealth of information, has a vast degree of life experience, and loves me and wants to see me succeed. She can help when I face challenges in NUMEROUS ways. If the challenge is anything word related, I know I can count on her to help me find the solution. She can help me proof read assignments, she can help me bounce ideas off her first for clarity and cohesion and the list is endless. She's one of the rare few that I think use more than just the average 10% of her brain and, being a bit of a brainiac myself, this is one of the qualities I admire most about her. If I have an issue, I know I can come to her and together we can find a solution to virtually anything. She's helped me crunch numbers, find words, make sure all my t's are crossed and i's are dotted and even helped me put more than just periods at the end of my sentences. The thing I rely on most when it comes to Lyrica though, is her belief in God. Sometimes the only solution is to stop and pray and there is strength in numbers. In these circumstances, I know I can always count on her to pray not just for me, but with me and sometimes this has made all the difference.

B Cubed: Everyone needs to have a friend like him. They (whoever they are) say laughter is the best medicine and I count on B Cubed to keep me giggling. Sometimes my biggest challenge is myself. When I am feeling overwhelmed and need to call an audible , one of the first things I do is send him an IM or check out his Facebook status message. I can almost guarantee it will be something clever and witty that makes me laugh. This laughter often provides just the balm I need to gain a fresh prospective on the situation. With this prospective, comes the ability to overcome challenges. Additionally, B Cubed has an opinion and is not afraid to use it. His opinion on things have often helped me respond to challenges in a unique way and often that response has helped me grow. Finally, B Cubed is, in my opinion, the perfect man. He's sensitive and caring and passionate and ALL man all at the same time. I count on him for a "manspective" on things sometimes but he is always able to package it nice and sweet! I just love this about him!

Super K: Though he's not "outside of school", his support and encouragement have helped from day one. When I have a challenge at school, I often vent to Super K and he cracks me up with his Sweet IM responses. When I have an issue I don't have the patience to figure out the solution for on my own (like why I didn't receive my Adobe software for instance), I often shoot Super K a message and have come to rely on him to assist me in finding the solution. He was one of the first people to yield unrelenting support of returning to school (and I suspect not just because they pay him to) and his push to make it happen sooner than later has been a very good thing! Btw Super K, have they given you that raise yet?!?!?

Shawshank: She has known me her entire life and still loves me despite all the horrid things I did to her as a kid. She is one of the most selfless people I know and I owe her a debt I doubt I'll ever be able to repay. I admire her and hope I can be half the woman she has become. The way she best assists me with challenges and issues is how she responds to her own. She is so full of grace and dignified in the way she handles adversity and her example inspires me.

In addition to the specific people listed above and majority of my family, I am blessed to have a very supportive church congregation. I have numerous people I can turn to when I need a Mom-Cation, be it for just a few hours or even a few days. I have people willing to provide virtually any service my family and I might need, I have people who pray for me even when I'm unaware of their prayers and even when I haven't asked them to, and I have numerous people who believe in me and want to see me succeed. I am blessed to have such powerful human resources back me up.

Wise Ben Stein Words

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events...terrorist atack, school shotings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves..

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.


My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Verizon I can hear you now

Originally I chose Verizon's blog name because we talk by phone EVERY day several times and day and a lot of the conversation consists of "I can't hear you" or "Can you hear me now." Verizon seemed the perfect option.

Last night she and I had a conversation that I'm still thinking about some 12 hours later. Verizon has this uncanny knack to be able to just KNOW what I need to hear, when I need to hear it and can read my like a book. She says she knows me so well it's almost wrong...she might be right. At any rate, Verizon and I had a completely candid conversation last night and she pointed out a few things that were honestly difficult to swallow but I heard her. Not only did I hear her, I was listening.

It's extremely difficult to let your guard down when, for the last two years or so, you've been required to keep it up as a matter of safety. It's tough to let someone know all there is to know about you and keep it totally real when, to some degree, your daily life is a bit of a farce. A necessary farce, but farce nonetheless.

Verizon pointed out that it is high time I take the rest of my power back. That I worry less on what Ex Knight may or may not do and worry more about living my life to the fullest measure. She cautioned that perhaps being so guarded can likely cost me the thing I want the most. The love of a man who is capable of being the getaway I need. It was a humbling and thought provoking experience to say the least. I am thankful for the relationship Verizon I have so she can put "it" to me whenever it needs to be put and do so in a way that I feel contemplative and inspired.

Keeping my guard up really amounts to fear. What if I let it down, and I get hurt? But, as she pointed out so well, what if I don't and get hurt anyway? Touche my dear Verizon, touche. I went to the scriptures this morning to find a few fear related scriptures and came across something pretty profound, of course I think the answers you find in scriptures are always profound.

Psalms 56:3 says "what time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Later in verse 11 of this same chapter it says "in God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid of what man can do unto me." I have put my trust in God, but have still been afraid of what Ex Knight can do to me if he finds me...today is the day I move past that fear. And then later, in Psalms 112: 7 it says "he shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord."

It has occurred to me I cannot completely trust my God when I continue to live in fear and be afraid of what "evil tidings" Ex Knight may or may not choose to invoke upon me and mine. The only man in my entire life that has NEVER let me down, hurt me, or left me alone has been my Father in Heaven...from this day forward, I will do my best to demonstrate my trust in Him by going forth, not in fear, but in perfect faith knowing that He knows me and is mindful of my needs and trust Him to meet them even if I have to let my guard down for Him to do it.

Verizon, I can hear you and I am grateful you are speaking. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do in my life.

When I say getaway

In my previous post, you read all about Spidey and I mentioned in a sidebar how maybe I'd write about what I mean when I say "he" (Spidey or anyone else) has to be my getaway. I woke up with the words about this subject on my heart and in my mind and wanted to take a few minutes to elaborate on this.

Monica's song says shes' "looking for a place to getaway, getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring." This is the line that made me realize this is what I want and need in a man. Life is often difficult when it's going smoothly, much more so when it's not. Everyone needs a getaway. In this same song, Monica also talks about sometimes she wishes she was invisible.

I feel like that a lot lately. I'd love to be invisible for just enough time to take care of me. I'm really looking forward to getting away in January to meet Spidey but have been thinking a lot about how important it is to have a getaway place on a daily basis.

Verizon has been my getaway for as long as I can remember. The one person who just loves me no matter what I've said, done, not said, or not done. She's the one person I can show everything I am (good and bad) and who never passes judgment or condemns. We don't always see things the same way, we don't have the same opinions on things, we don't enjoy all the same things, and our lives have taken us very different places but, when my world has fallen out from under me or I'm crumbling from the weight of expectation, I know that I can find refuge in the getaway that is Verizon.

@ Verizon: I love you. You aren't a piece of my world...you ARE my world. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I've been unable to believe in myself. Thank you for taking the time and effort to know me the way you do. Of all the gifts my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, you are one of the ones I cherish most.

Verizon is a newlywed and her and Abernathy have been friends almost as long as we have. We have had a few conversations about him recently and it occurred to me that Abernathy is her getaway. Because he is so secure in who he is, it allows her to be secure in who she is with him. And, no matter what happens in Verizon's world, she can turn to Abernathy and just be. He's seen her at her worst and his love inspires her to be her best. When everything is wrong in her world, or when everything is right, Verizon has found that "soft place to land" Dr. Phil talks about in Abernathy. With him, she isn't someone's employee, someone's mom, someone's friend, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's homie, someone's BFF, someone's anything...she is just HER...good or bad she just is.

The man I want in my life has to be my getaway at the end of every day. The one who's arms I can fall into and just BE with no expectation, no judgment, no pressure, no demands. To some degree, he'll have to be a male version of Verizon and allow me to continue showing myself to him, when I want to be invisible to everyone else. For this man, I will unlock the doors to my heart and freely give all of it and all of me.

What if Spidey makes my senses tingle?

Have you ever asked for something without fully intending to have it handed to you? Have you ever sought something you weren't sure you were ready for once you got it? Or maybe the thing you've always wanted continues to evade you and is constantly just out of reach? Even still, perhaps you've prayed and prayed for something but God has needed you to learn a lesson or two or twenty-five before indulging your desire; maybe His answer to your desire is even no. I'm the only this has happened to ever right?!? No, ok good I might have been worried for a minute.

Recently an Internet "flirt" turned into an email and that email turned into conversations and those conversations have turned into a lot of potential. That potential, if lived up to, has the ability to be life changing. Just knowing that is enough to scare me and yet the more I get to know the man I call Spidey, the more I want to know all there is to know about him.

Early in my life I heard a quote that goes something along the lines of "I refuse to have a battle of wit with an unarmed person," and I have found myself having to reflect on this comment often since. At the risk of sounding arrogant, this fact remains: VERY few people can match my wit...let alone beat it. I've met very few women who can do it, and no man has ever been able to come close...that is until now.

After a few email exchanges and lots of coaching from B Cubed, I finally give Spidey a call (you'll get why I call him Spidey later in this blog). Unfortunately, the intense pain I've been in from my car wreck have made him and I having "real" bilateral conversations a little bit of a challenge, but about a week ago we had the first of what I hope proves to be numerous engaging phone calls. It was during this call that his Masked Marauder identity revealed itself. Let me explain:

Having wanted to be a journalist, I was in mid interview with him. I asked the question "what is your biggest fear," and he gave me a very impressive and deep answer. I felt so shallow because mine isn't anything as profound...it is quite simply arachnids. Yes folks, this chick is insanely terrified of spiders, even those lil mini red ones that are so teeny you almost need a microscope to see them move and daddy long legs too and everything in between.

Spidey took my fear and wit and combined the two to create something NO ONE has ever been able to accomplish and in the end, served my behind to me on a diamond encrusted platter. When hearing my ridiculous fear (yes I know it IS ridiculous but it's mine and I own it) he went on to tell the most elaborate story I've probably ever heard as it relates to spiders.

Below is a brief (it lasted probably the better part of 15 - 20 minutes) summary of some of that story:

Spidey: I'm gonna help you conquer your fear when you get out here. I'll get you totally nice and relaxed and then, when you aren't looking, I'll just put one of my tarantulas on you.

Me: (thinking OMW is this guy SERIOUS) Ummmm...good luck with that because when I notice it on me, I'm likely going to scream.

Spidey: No no, you don't want to do that because then he'll get scared and bite you. He's not poisonous but it still hurts.

At some other point in the story Spidey says something about how his female tarantula laid eggs in his neighbors head and no one realized till they hatched and on and on and on. Suffice it to say, If I had hair on my arms it would be standing straight up, my chest was heaving, my palms sweating, my stomach in knots, goosebumps, etc. In short I was having a lil bit of an anxiety attack and then this happened:

Spidey: Actually I've got one sitting right here on my chest I'm petting him and playing with him right now. He's pretty cool you'll like him (I'm thinking uh yeah don't bet your life on that). OW...OW OW he just bit me!

Me: (imagines the color draining out of my face like water out of a bathtub)

Spidey: I'm just kidding but I totally had you going didn't I?

And that ladies and gents...he COMPLETELY did. He had me going...I fell for it all hook line and sinker. A couple of times during his spidey tail I thought he was fibbin' and pulling my leg. I asked a question I thought would trip him up if he was teasing; he never missed a beat.

WELL DONE SPIDEY!!!! Your quick wit and ability to make me laugh are big selling points. Even if it took a creepy story for you to fully demonstrate your capabilities. You are off to a great start.

But wait there's more...it isn't just his wit.

I've told Spidey several times that the potential for me to fall for him is there, but I'm not "there" yet. He's cute, he's witty, he's had enough similar experiences to be able to completely relate to most of mine, he can be pretty charming, he's a lot of things actually. I must admit I am totally captivated by his presence in my life and want to know all there is to know about him. I can't think of too many things he could tell me that would send me heading for the hills either.

I've often told my loved ones I am looking for a man who is willing to charge in on his galloping steed to "rescue" me but who also understands that I don't need him to save me because I can save myself. Yesterday I think it was, maybe the night before, Verizon made a judgment call that allowed me to come to the realization that Spidey could certainly be such a man as this and now that I have, I'm not sure where to go from here.

He makes me laugh, he's witty, he's cute, he's smart, he's engaging...AND he knows the precise moment in which to ride in and save the day...maybe this is too good to be true.

How did he ride in you ask? He called me when I was in the middle of a moment and successfully steered me right out of it, allowing me to feel better and filling me with hope. The words he chose to use and the counsel he provided still ring in my ears right now as I type this blog.

Sidebar: After listening to Monica's "Getaway" repeatedly, I've finally learned EXACTLY what I want and need in a companion...in short, "he" has to be the getaway. Maybe I'll write another entry on what I mean by that later. We'll see I guess.

And now, back to the story.

I was a little miffed with Verizon for letting him know I was having a moment. It's not easy being vulnerable and I was very vulnerable during this moment of mine, but he guided me through it so beautifully it could have almost been art. It's been a long time since a man (barring those related to me) has ever been so concerned about me. This concern both amazes and alarms me all at the same time and part of me wants to throw up barriers and run.

To speak (well type actually) totally honest it's like this. Spidey has an enormous amount of potential to be "the man" versus just a man. And, while I'm not sure he'll live up to that potential (because not everyone does), I find myself more afraid of what if he does? I've prayed for such a man as this for a long time, and now that he might be on the horizon, I'm just not sure. I think I'm honestly afraid...ok no I KNOW that I am honestly afraid of what happens to me if he does live up to his potential. My fear and insecurities are screaming at me to run far and fast and yet I just don't seem to be able to walk away.

I've loved and lost a few different times now. I spent 10 years married to a man who didn't deserve to have me for even one, I've given my heart to people who've done nothing but rip it out of me and feed it to me for breakfast and I've learned to guard and protect it something fierce. I'm afraid those walls could inhibit forward progress in my current situation. I mean if I don't give Spidey my heart he will never be able to break it right? Though I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, those days are long past. I refuse to give my heart (let alone soul) to anyone who doesn't see the value of having it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, I think I'd almost rather keep my heart secure in it's own fortress than share it with anyone and yet Spidey has me interested enough to consider sharing it with him.

I don't want my baggage (let's face it, whether we'll admit it or not, we ALL have baggage), fear and past heartache to rob me of future promise, but sometimes I honestly feel so powerless to stop it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained I know. At the same time though...the best way to keep my heart in tact is to refrain from giving it to anyone ever again. Keeping my heart so guarded though has left me feeling alone more than I'd like and I don't think I want to feel that way any longer.

I suspect that Spidey has his own fears and insecurities. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. Prayerfully, neither one of us will allow those fears and insecurities to get in the way of the potential though. And, while not everyone lives up to their potential, I sit here hoping Spidey will. Only time will tell I guess and I have plenty of that.

Can I getaway?

As you know, I'm totally and completely audio powered. Music speaks to me when often nothing and no one else can. Lately I've been going through some stuff...not bad or good, just stuff. Life often comes at me hard and fast and sometimes it gets REALLY difficult to endure. I am privileged to have a vast support system all over the world; one of the biggest supports is my sistuh from anutha mutha that I call Verizon.

Yesterday Verizon and I were talking via Yahoo Instant Messenger and she shared with me some lyrics to this song that brought tears to her eyes and made her think of me. I read the lyrics and was amazed at how well I could relate to them, but didn't have time to watch the video she sent me a link to until later last night.

The first time I watched the video, tears poured down my face for no reason and every reason all at the same time. I have been listening to this song ever sense...it is having an interesting effect on my heart and emotions right now. If ever a song could adequately depict that "private" place I'm in most of the time...this song is it. Now that private place is public I guess.

Monica, the artist, says "so much on my shoulders and so much on my mind seems no one can help me. I think I just need some time. Sometimes I wish I could hideaway, looking for a place to getaway getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring. I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground but everybody needs some time that they can getaway. Sometimes I wish I was invisible cuz then no one would know where I am to ask me for anything. Cuz I've given so much of me when is it time for me to receive cuz Monica has her needs, who's gonna look out for me?"

This is SOOOOOOOOO powerful for me. I often feel like I have so many people who expect so much from me there is no way I can ever possibly hope to deliver. I am, of course, just one person. The feeling of not being able to deliver often brings about some personal insecurities, fears and worries. Sadly, I don't have the opportunity to just "getaway" very often...in fact, it's something I almost never do. I guess I just feel too needed by too many people all the time and often I fail to take care of myself emotionally or physically in the process. Yes, sometimes I honestly do wish I was invisible.

Monica goes on to say, "you know I'm not Superwoman and I'm not made of steel. I try my best to handle all I have to do and it's not as easy as it seems and to think this was my dream. Now for everything I have I'm grateful, but sometimes I wanna getaway." One of my all time favorite songs is actually called "Superwoman" but it's sung by Karyn White and refers to a relationship between a woman and her man. Must be something about me and "superwoman".

I often feel like I'm expected to be Superwoman all the time. It was expected of me during my childhood, during college, during my marriage, and even more so now I think. I often feel like I'm so busy being all things to all people and at the end of the day there's no one standing here being anything, let alone "everything" to me. It's a difficult place to find yourself in over and over and over again.

Yes, I can hold my ground. I get a lot of feedback on how beautifully I'm doing it, but as I listen to this song over and over it has occurred to me that maybe just maybe I don't always want to have to hold this ground. Instead, maybe I just want someone to hold it all for me. And yes, I know that this is exactly what the Savior does for us but that knowledge often does little to help ease the burden of the "alone" I feel and carry on a regular basis.

Notice I said...alone and not lonely. I am surrounded by people I love (whom also love me) so I seldom feel lonely but there are more days than I'd like to mention where I feel alone. Even after reading my scriptures, even after pleading with my Heavenly Father, even after talking to Verizon or my sister or my Besties.

Like Monica, I need a getaway. A place I can get away from all the demands placed upon me as a single, working, student and parent. A place I can run to escape the heartache and pain that often comes with my present circumstance. A place I can go to escape the demands of school, be unavailable to anything and anyone for work, and get a reprieve from child rearing. A place I can just be the woman I've become and not the kids' mom and the boss and the computer diva and the creative genius (clients have actually called me this) and the and. A place where there are no expectations and I can just BE. A place I can go where someone else will hold the ground and for a change and I can just walk on it.

If you know of such place, please let me know. To hear Monica's beautiful voice sing words that speak from and to my heart, please click the play button on the media player below.

To Thine Own Self Be True

One of my first "assignments" for school is to write a letter to myself that I can pull out if and when I get discouraged to help me remember why I wanted to pursue my college education in the first place...Super K, I've needed to write myself a letter for a long time anyway so I hope you don't mind if I incorporate your assignment into the one below:

Here goes...

Dear Self,

You've certainly taken the scenic journey to your college education, that's for sure. You started down this course 20 years ago with your college prep work in high school and graduation with honors. Do you remember that? Do you remember how going to college was pretty much a given? Do you remember being accepted to every college you applied to, do you remember the goals and dreams you had for yourself back then?

Life has a funny way of derailing the best laid plans sometimes, but take heart in knowing that God has you exactly where He wants you to be. A lot has happened since you last attended college. You got married, had three more kids, and moved 1400 miles from home to follow your husband's job to Colorado...only to find yourself and your children living in a daily hell. You finally found the strength, courage, and confidence to leave him but ensuring safety required you run away from home and start all over.

Do you remember how many times you prayed for a "do-over" while you were living in hell? Do you remember pleading with your Heavenly Father for an opportunity to do things different? Do you remember begging Him for the chance to go back to school and finish your education? I remember and I'm here to tell you that you have been given a great gift despite the difficulty. Your Heavenly Father has heard your prayers and is answering them, even if you can't always see how.

You have been given the opportunity of a lifetime; a chance to "make it right". Don't blow it this time!!! I know you're going to get discouraged, I know you're going to want to quit sometimes but, may I remind you, you don't quit ANYTHING very well. No reason to start doing so now, is there?

When it's difficult and you feel like giving up, please remember why this college education is so important to you. Please look at the precious faces of your beautiful children. That's likely all it will take to remember. Think about how getting your degree can change their circumstance, how it will absolve you of any financial dependence on Ex Knight, and how NOT having it is the one thing you've always regretted. Think about how miraculous getting into school was in the first place. I KNOW that you DO NOT believe in chance or coincidence so I implore you not to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Show your gratitude to your Heavenly Father for having given you this opportunity by excelling. You've taught your children that anything worth doing is worth doing well; here's another chance to lead by example.

You aren't afraid of things just because they are difficult. I mean just look at what you've been through the last few years. I know that you have struggled, but I also know that struggle hasn't been in vain. You have a great support system. You have countless masses that believe in you and want to see you succeed. Allow our belief in you to buoy you when you lack the ability to believe in yourself.

You love what you do. You love web design and animation. It's always been your favorite part of your job. You are creative beyond words. You are smart, talented, and capable. All that you need to be successful is already inside you because you are a child of God. Never forget that...even when a class is challenging and you want to give up. Need I remind you that you give up about as easily as you quit?

You have always valued the most what you've worked the hardest to get. I mean giving birth sure was work wasn't it? Your college degree will be no different...it will take a lot of work and perhaps even some sacrifice to obtain, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. I know that you know "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." You and I both know you have been called to HIS purpose, now act accordingly. With hard work, dedication, and the spirit of excellence you have about you, you will soon realize your dream of a college degree and better life for your children.

You CAN do this! I believe in you!

The power of ONE word

Many many years ago in a galaxy far far away there was a high school. In that high school there was a teacher, an English teacher actually. On that teacher's desk was a poster I vaguely remember. Something about how one word could spark a million or something like that. I began thinking about that poster recently after a conversation I had with my Bishop turned into an event that will forever alter my circumstance.

Allow me to explain...

Two weeks ago I was meeting with my Bishop to plead for financial assistance, sadly something I have to do more often than I would like given current my current economic status, and we were talking about what could be done to change my circumstance. The financial dependence I still have on Ex Knight is infuriating most of the time but ESPECIALLY when he fails to pay the amount of support he is supposed to pay and my children suffer as a result.

"Go get a job!" you say right?!?!? Easier said that done when you have no verifiable work experience and no education and are trying to find employment in an economy such as ours....anyway back to the story.

So the Bishop and I are sitting in his office and he counsels me to pursue education. I explain that I've tried but I can't find an accredited program in the field I want with an online option at a price I can reasonably afford to pay back anywhere. The Bishop then says he KNOWS they are out there and I need to keep looking for "regionally accredited online degree programs". That one word - regionally - has made all the difference.

Once I began searching for REGIONALLY accredited on-line degree programs I found the perfect fit. I was so impressed by what I saw (and remember I don't impress easily when it comes to colleges) on their website I clicked on the chat to speak to a live person. Soon I was asking that live person more questions than they could answer and I was transferred to the man who would later become my admissions counselor. Super K is what we'll call him, because I think he is just that...super!!

Super K and I spoke on the 8th of this month and he encouraged me to prepare for a January entrance. I was hoping I might be able to attend in April but that January entrance was sitting in the back of my mind eating away at me. The sooner I go to school, the sooner I can get a credential, the sooner I get that credential, the more employable I am, the more employable I am, the sooner I can eliminate any degree of financial dependence on Ex Knight.

Super K sends me an invitation to the school's placement test...they call it an assessment but REALLY we all know it's a test and the application and I drag my heels a lil about getting it done. Finally I go ahead and take the TEST (Super K you guys really need to call it what it is...a TEST) and Super K calls me with my results. Being somewhat of a brainiac, I'm sure I've done ok, but it IS a test and I've been out school a long time so my skills are a lil rusty. Super K informs me I have knocked it out of the park, scoring in the top 10% of test takers and when I come to school in January (he was bent on the January date for some reasons...Super K do you get a bonus or something for having a certain amount of students enrolled for Winter quarter?!?!?) I can go straight into my degree program! WUHOWWW!!!! I was THRILLED.

Now the only obstacle was finding the monies to go. I immediately began praying that if attending this school at this time was what Heavenly Father wanted for me and mine, the obstacles would be removed and asked a few people I know to be vigilant prayer people to do the same. I am here to tell you God answers prayers because one by one the obstacles came tumbling down and I will be attending school, as Super K pushed for, in January! I still can hardly believe it!

The program I found has the same accreditation as one of the big state schools where I live, the cost of tuition includes books and software, I can test out of classes, (which I will TOTALLY be doing for College Algebra and a few others), my current tuition rate stays locked if I take 4 classes a quarter, and whether I take 16 credits a quarter or 24, I'll only pay for 16! It's almost too good to be true isn't it?!?!? I thought so too, but found another student in an online program at the school who says no, it's not...it is indeed THIS good!

I'm THRILLED!!!! I cannot wait. Just ask Super K, he'll tell you how I've been a pain in his neck! So, here's the plan...test out of 7 credits, two quarters of 5 classes, two quarters of 6 classes and then throw a big ole party to celebrate the achievement of my Associate's Degree. That leaves just 88 more credits for my Bachelor's Degree...another 2 quarters of 5 classes and 2 of 6 and then an even bigger party as I celebrate having earned my Bachelor's Degree. The only regret I've ever lost sleep over finally resolved!

All this, because of the power of ONE word...regionally. I am so grateful to the inspired counsel from a loving Bishop, Super K for believing in me enough to push me for a much earlier entrance, and most importantly, for my Heavenly Father who cleared the obstacles out of the way to make this long time dream a reality!

160 miles = million dollar memories

Throughout this entire process, the one thing that has bothered me is all the family my children have essentially "lost" or effectively been distanced from due to Ex Knight's poor choices. The Mini's fear what will happen if Ex Knight ever learns where we are and his family is like the Mafia without the organized crime. If they tell one of his people where they are, it will spread quicker than wild fire and soon he will know our whereabouts. He claims that all the threats he made were done in anger and he'd never act out on them but he's said one thing and done another enough times that claim has no merit. Better to exercise caution in all things Ex Knight related I think.

Anyway...so here a while back the kids had a 4 day weekend. I decided to make a road trip. I come from a HUGE family...my mother's parents had 8 kids, my father's parents had 5. I have 11 aunts and uncles...you can imagine the cousins I have. Not all of whom have met my children!!! On this extended weekend, I decided it was time to make a road trip. Some of my cousins now have their own families and it was great fun getting to introduce our children to each other.

I was moved to tears seeing the light and joy present in the eyes of my children as they played with their 2nd cousins and their parents and I. We laughed and laughed and laughed over those 4 days and the Mini's forged new relationships with family that have likely left an indelible impression on their hearts and minds and I am thankful for the opportunity to have made the journey.