When I say getaway

In my previous post, you read all about Spidey and I mentioned in a sidebar how maybe I'd write about what I mean when I say "he" (Spidey or anyone else) has to be my getaway. I woke up with the words about this subject on my heart and in my mind and wanted to take a few minutes to elaborate on this.

Monica's song says shes' "looking for a place to getaway, getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring." This is the line that made me realize this is what I want and need in a man. Life is often difficult when it's going smoothly, much more so when it's not. Everyone needs a getaway. In this same song, Monica also talks about sometimes she wishes she was invisible.

I feel like that a lot lately. I'd love to be invisible for just enough time to take care of me. I'm really looking forward to getting away in January to meet Spidey but have been thinking a lot about how important it is to have a getaway place on a daily basis.

Verizon has been my getaway for as long as I can remember. The one person who just loves me no matter what I've said, done, not said, or not done. She's the one person I can show everything I am (good and bad) and who never passes judgment or condemns. We don't always see things the same way, we don't have the same opinions on things, we don't enjoy all the same things, and our lives have taken us very different places but, when my world has fallen out from under me or I'm crumbling from the weight of expectation, I know that I can find refuge in the getaway that is Verizon.

@ Verizon: I love you. You aren't a piece of my world...you ARE my world. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I've been unable to believe in myself. Thank you for taking the time and effort to know me the way you do. Of all the gifts my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, you are one of the ones I cherish most.

Verizon is a newlywed and her and Abernathy have been friends almost as long as we have. We have had a few conversations about him recently and it occurred to me that Abernathy is her getaway. Because he is so secure in who he is, it allows her to be secure in who she is with him. And, no matter what happens in Verizon's world, she can turn to Abernathy and just be. He's seen her at her worst and his love inspires her to be her best. When everything is wrong in her world, or when everything is right, Verizon has found that "soft place to land" Dr. Phil talks about in Abernathy. With him, she isn't someone's employee, someone's mom, someone's friend, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's homie, someone's BFF, someone's anything...she is just HER...good or bad she just is.

The man I want in my life has to be my getaway at the end of every day. The one who's arms I can fall into and just BE with no expectation, no judgment, no pressure, no demands. To some degree, he'll have to be a male version of Verizon and allow me to continue showing myself to him, when I want to be invisible to everyone else. For this man, I will unlock the doors to my heart and freely give all of it and all of me.

What if Spidey makes my senses tingle?

Have you ever asked for something without fully intending to have it handed to you? Have you ever sought something you weren't sure you were ready for once you got it? Or maybe the thing you've always wanted continues to evade you and is constantly just out of reach? Even still, perhaps you've prayed and prayed for something but God has needed you to learn a lesson or two or twenty-five before indulging your desire; maybe His answer to your desire is even no. I'm the only this has happened to ever right?!? No, ok good I might have been worried for a minute.

Recently an Internet "flirt" turned into an email and that email turned into conversations and those conversations have turned into a lot of potential. That potential, if lived up to, has the ability to be life changing. Just knowing that is enough to scare me and yet the more I get to know the man I call Spidey, the more I want to know all there is to know about him.

Early in my life I heard a quote that goes something along the lines of "I refuse to have a battle of wit with an unarmed person," and I have found myself having to reflect on this comment often since. At the risk of sounding arrogant, this fact remains: VERY few people can match my wit...let alone beat it. I've met very few women who can do it, and no man has ever been able to come close...that is until now.

After a few email exchanges and lots of coaching from B Cubed, I finally give Spidey a call (you'll get why I call him Spidey later in this blog). Unfortunately, the intense pain I've been in from my car wreck have made him and I having "real" bilateral conversations a little bit of a challenge, but about a week ago we had the first of what I hope proves to be numerous engaging phone calls. It was during this call that his Masked Marauder identity revealed itself. Let me explain:

Having wanted to be a journalist, I was in mid interview with him. I asked the question "what is your biggest fear," and he gave me a very impressive and deep answer. I felt so shallow because mine isn't anything as profound...it is quite simply arachnids. Yes folks, this chick is insanely terrified of spiders, even those lil mini red ones that are so teeny you almost need a microscope to see them move and daddy long legs too and everything in between.

Spidey took my fear and wit and combined the two to create something NO ONE has ever been able to accomplish and in the end, served my behind to me on a diamond encrusted platter. When hearing my ridiculous fear (yes I know it IS ridiculous but it's mine and I own it) he went on to tell the most elaborate story I've probably ever heard as it relates to spiders.

Below is a brief (it lasted probably the better part of 15 - 20 minutes) summary of some of that story:

Spidey: I'm gonna help you conquer your fear when you get out here. I'll get you totally nice and relaxed and then, when you aren't looking, I'll just put one of my tarantulas on you.

Me: (thinking OMW is this guy SERIOUS) Ummmm...good luck with that because when I notice it on me, I'm likely going to scream.

Spidey: No no, you don't want to do that because then he'll get scared and bite you. He's not poisonous but it still hurts.

At some other point in the story Spidey says something about how his female tarantula laid eggs in his neighbors head and no one realized till they hatched and on and on and on. Suffice it to say, If I had hair on my arms it would be standing straight up, my chest was heaving, my palms sweating, my stomach in knots, goosebumps, etc. In short I was having a lil bit of an anxiety attack and then this happened:

Spidey: Actually I've got one sitting right here on my chest I'm petting him and playing with him right now. He's pretty cool you'll like him (I'm thinking uh yeah don't bet your life on that). OW...OW OW he just bit me!

Me: (imagines the color draining out of my face like water out of a bathtub)

Spidey: I'm just kidding but I totally had you going didn't I?

And that ladies and gents...he COMPLETELY did. He had me going...I fell for it all hook line and sinker. A couple of times during his spidey tail I thought he was fibbin' and pulling my leg. I asked a question I thought would trip him up if he was teasing; he never missed a beat.

WELL DONE SPIDEY!!!! Your quick wit and ability to make me laugh are big selling points. Even if it took a creepy story for you to fully demonstrate your capabilities. You are off to a great start.

But wait there's more...it isn't just his wit.

I've told Spidey several times that the potential for me to fall for him is there, but I'm not "there" yet. He's cute, he's witty, he's had enough similar experiences to be able to completely relate to most of mine, he can be pretty charming, he's a lot of things actually. I must admit I am totally captivated by his presence in my life and want to know all there is to know about him. I can't think of too many things he could tell me that would send me heading for the hills either.

I've often told my loved ones I am looking for a man who is willing to charge in on his galloping steed to "rescue" me but who also understands that I don't need him to save me because I can save myself. Yesterday I think it was, maybe the night before, Verizon made a judgment call that allowed me to come to the realization that Spidey could certainly be such a man as this and now that I have, I'm not sure where to go from here.

He makes me laugh, he's witty, he's cute, he's smart, he's engaging...AND he knows the precise moment in which to ride in and save the day...maybe this is too good to be true.

How did he ride in you ask? He called me when I was in the middle of a moment and successfully steered me right out of it, allowing me to feel better and filling me with hope. The words he chose to use and the counsel he provided still ring in my ears right now as I type this blog.

Sidebar: After listening to Monica's "Getaway" repeatedly, I've finally learned EXACTLY what I want and need in a companion...in short, "he" has to be the getaway. Maybe I'll write another entry on what I mean by that later. We'll see I guess.

And now, back to the story.

I was a little miffed with Verizon for letting him know I was having a moment. It's not easy being vulnerable and I was very vulnerable during this moment of mine, but he guided me through it so beautifully it could have almost been art. It's been a long time since a man (barring those related to me) has ever been so concerned about me. This concern both amazes and alarms me all at the same time and part of me wants to throw up barriers and run.

To speak (well type actually) totally honest it's like this. Spidey has an enormous amount of potential to be "the man" versus just a man. And, while I'm not sure he'll live up to that potential (because not everyone does), I find myself more afraid of what if he does? I've prayed for such a man as this for a long time, and now that he might be on the horizon, I'm just not sure. I think I'm honestly afraid...ok no I KNOW that I am honestly afraid of what happens to me if he does live up to his potential. My fear and insecurities are screaming at me to run far and fast and yet I just don't seem to be able to walk away.

I've loved and lost a few different times now. I spent 10 years married to a man who didn't deserve to have me for even one, I've given my heart to people who've done nothing but rip it out of me and feed it to me for breakfast and I've learned to guard and protect it something fierce. I'm afraid those walls could inhibit forward progress in my current situation. I mean if I don't give Spidey my heart he will never be able to break it right? Though I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, those days are long past. I refuse to give my heart (let alone soul) to anyone who doesn't see the value of having it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, I think I'd almost rather keep my heart secure in it's own fortress than share it with anyone and yet Spidey has me interested enough to consider sharing it with him.

I don't want my baggage (let's face it, whether we'll admit it or not, we ALL have baggage), fear and past heartache to rob me of future promise, but sometimes I honestly feel so powerless to stop it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained I know. At the same time though...the best way to keep my heart in tact is to refrain from giving it to anyone ever again. Keeping my heart so guarded though has left me feeling alone more than I'd like and I don't think I want to feel that way any longer.

I suspect that Spidey has his own fears and insecurities. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. Prayerfully, neither one of us will allow those fears and insecurities to get in the way of the potential though. And, while not everyone lives up to their potential, I sit here hoping Spidey will. Only time will tell I guess and I have plenty of that.

Can I getaway?

As you know, I'm totally and completely audio powered. Music speaks to me when often nothing and no one else can. Lately I've been going through some stuff...not bad or good, just stuff. Life often comes at me hard and fast and sometimes it gets REALLY difficult to endure. I am privileged to have a vast support system all over the world; one of the biggest supports is my sistuh from anutha mutha that I call Verizon.

Yesterday Verizon and I were talking via Yahoo Instant Messenger and she shared with me some lyrics to this song that brought tears to her eyes and made her think of me. I read the lyrics and was amazed at how well I could relate to them, but didn't have time to watch the video she sent me a link to until later last night.

The first time I watched the video, tears poured down my face for no reason and every reason all at the same time. I have been listening to this song ever sense...it is having an interesting effect on my heart and emotions right now. If ever a song could adequately depict that "private" place I'm in most of the time...this song is it. Now that private place is public I guess.

Monica, the artist, says "so much on my shoulders and so much on my mind seems no one can help me. I think I just need some time. Sometimes I wish I could hideaway, looking for a place to getaway getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring. I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground but everybody needs some time that they can getaway. Sometimes I wish I was invisible cuz then no one would know where I am to ask me for anything. Cuz I've given so much of me when is it time for me to receive cuz Monica has her needs, who's gonna look out for me?"

This is SOOOOOOOOO powerful for me. I often feel like I have so many people who expect so much from me there is no way I can ever possibly hope to deliver. I am, of course, just one person. The feeling of not being able to deliver often brings about some personal insecurities, fears and worries. Sadly, I don't have the opportunity to just "getaway" very often...in fact, it's something I almost never do. I guess I just feel too needed by too many people all the time and often I fail to take care of myself emotionally or physically in the process. Yes, sometimes I honestly do wish I was invisible.

Monica goes on to say, "you know I'm not Superwoman and I'm not made of steel. I try my best to handle all I have to do and it's not as easy as it seems and to think this was my dream. Now for everything I have I'm grateful, but sometimes I wanna getaway." One of my all time favorite songs is actually called "Superwoman" but it's sung by Karyn White and refers to a relationship between a woman and her man. Must be something about me and "superwoman".

I often feel like I'm expected to be Superwoman all the time. It was expected of me during my childhood, during college, during my marriage, and even more so now I think. I often feel like I'm so busy being all things to all people and at the end of the day there's no one standing here being anything, let alone "everything" to me. It's a difficult place to find yourself in over and over and over again.

Yes, I can hold my ground. I get a lot of feedback on how beautifully I'm doing it, but as I listen to this song over and over it has occurred to me that maybe just maybe I don't always want to have to hold this ground. Instead, maybe I just want someone to hold it all for me. And yes, I know that this is exactly what the Savior does for us but that knowledge often does little to help ease the burden of the "alone" I feel and carry on a regular basis.

Notice I said...alone and not lonely. I am surrounded by people I love (whom also love me) so I seldom feel lonely but there are more days than I'd like to mention where I feel alone. Even after reading my scriptures, even after pleading with my Heavenly Father, even after talking to Verizon or my sister or my Besties.

Like Monica, I need a getaway. A place I can get away from all the demands placed upon me as a single, working, student and parent. A place I can run to escape the heartache and pain that often comes with my present circumstance. A place I can go to escape the demands of school, be unavailable to anything and anyone for work, and get a reprieve from child rearing. A place I can just be the woman I've become and not the kids' mom and the boss and the computer diva and the creative genius (clients have actually called me this) and the and. A place where there are no expectations and I can just BE. A place I can go where someone else will hold the ground and for a change and I can just walk on it.

If you know of such place, please let me know. To hear Monica's beautiful voice sing words that speak from and to my heart, please click the play button on the media player below.

To Thine Own Self Be True

One of my first "assignments" for school is to write a letter to myself that I can pull out if and when I get discouraged to help me remember why I wanted to pursue my college education in the first place...Super K, I've needed to write myself a letter for a long time anyway so I hope you don't mind if I incorporate your assignment into the one below:

Here goes...

Dear Self,

You've certainly taken the scenic journey to your college education, that's for sure. You started down this course 20 years ago with your college prep work in high school and graduation with honors. Do you remember that? Do you remember how going to college was pretty much a given? Do you remember being accepted to every college you applied to, do you remember the goals and dreams you had for yourself back then?

Life has a funny way of derailing the best laid plans sometimes, but take heart in knowing that God has you exactly where He wants you to be. A lot has happened since you last attended college. You got married, had three more kids, and moved 1400 miles from home to follow your husband's job to Colorado...only to find yourself and your children living in a daily hell. You finally found the strength, courage, and confidence to leave him but ensuring safety required you run away from home and start all over.

Do you remember how many times you prayed for a "do-over" while you were living in hell? Do you remember pleading with your Heavenly Father for an opportunity to do things different? Do you remember begging Him for the chance to go back to school and finish your education? I remember and I'm here to tell you that you have been given a great gift despite the difficulty. Your Heavenly Father has heard your prayers and is answering them, even if you can't always see how.

You have been given the opportunity of a lifetime; a chance to "make it right". Don't blow it this time!!! I know you're going to get discouraged, I know you're going to want to quit sometimes but, may I remind you, you don't quit ANYTHING very well. No reason to start doing so now, is there?

When it's difficult and you feel like giving up, please remember why this college education is so important to you. Please look at the precious faces of your beautiful children. That's likely all it will take to remember. Think about how getting your degree can change their circumstance, how it will absolve you of any financial dependence on Ex Knight, and how NOT having it is the one thing you've always regretted. Think about how miraculous getting into school was in the first place. I KNOW that you DO NOT believe in chance or coincidence so I implore you not to kick a gift horse in the mouth. Show your gratitude to your Heavenly Father for having given you this opportunity by excelling. You've taught your children that anything worth doing is worth doing well; here's another chance to lead by example.

You aren't afraid of things just because they are difficult. I mean just look at what you've been through the last few years. I know that you have struggled, but I also know that struggle hasn't been in vain. You have a great support system. You have countless masses that believe in you and want to see you succeed. Allow our belief in you to buoy you when you lack the ability to believe in yourself.

You love what you do. You love web design and animation. It's always been your favorite part of your job. You are creative beyond words. You are smart, talented, and capable. All that you need to be successful is already inside you because you are a child of God. Never forget that...even when a class is challenging and you want to give up. Need I remind you that you give up about as easily as you quit?

You have always valued the most what you've worked the hardest to get. I mean giving birth sure was work wasn't it? Your college degree will be no different...it will take a lot of work and perhaps even some sacrifice to obtain, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. I know that you know "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." You and I both know you have been called to HIS purpose, now act accordingly. With hard work, dedication, and the spirit of excellence you have about you, you will soon realize your dream of a college degree and better life for your children.

You CAN do this! I believe in you!

The power of ONE word

Many many years ago in a galaxy far far away there was a high school. In that high school there was a teacher, an English teacher actually. On that teacher's desk was a poster I vaguely remember. Something about how one word could spark a million or something like that. I began thinking about that poster recently after a conversation I had with my Bishop turned into an event that will forever alter my circumstance.

Allow me to explain...

Two weeks ago I was meeting with my Bishop to plead for financial assistance, sadly something I have to do more often than I would like given current my current economic status, and we were talking about what could be done to change my circumstance. The financial dependence I still have on Ex Knight is infuriating most of the time but ESPECIALLY when he fails to pay the amount of support he is supposed to pay and my children suffer as a result.

"Go get a job!" you say right?!?!? Easier said that done when you have no verifiable work experience and no education and are trying to find employment in an economy such as ours....anyway back to the story.

So the Bishop and I are sitting in his office and he counsels me to pursue education. I explain that I've tried but I can't find an accredited program in the field I want with an online option at a price I can reasonably afford to pay back anywhere. The Bishop then says he KNOWS they are out there and I need to keep looking for "regionally accredited online degree programs". That one word - regionally - has made all the difference.

Once I began searching for REGIONALLY accredited on-line degree programs I found the perfect fit. I was so impressed by what I saw (and remember I don't impress easily when it comes to colleges) on their website I clicked on the chat to speak to a live person. Soon I was asking that live person more questions than they could answer and I was transferred to the man who would later become my admissions counselor. Super K is what we'll call him, because I think he is just that...super!!

Super K and I spoke on the 8th of this month and he encouraged me to prepare for a January entrance. I was hoping I might be able to attend in April but that January entrance was sitting in the back of my mind eating away at me. The sooner I go to school, the sooner I can get a credential, the sooner I get that credential, the more employable I am, the more employable I am, the sooner I can eliminate any degree of financial dependence on Ex Knight.

Super K sends me an invitation to the school's placement test...they call it an assessment but REALLY we all know it's a test and the application and I drag my heels a lil about getting it done. Finally I go ahead and take the TEST (Super K you guys really need to call it what it is...a TEST) and Super K calls me with my results. Being somewhat of a brainiac, I'm sure I've done ok, but it IS a test and I've been out school a long time so my skills are a lil rusty. Super K informs me I have knocked it out of the park, scoring in the top 10% of test takers and when I come to school in January (he was bent on the January date for some reasons...Super K do you get a bonus or something for having a certain amount of students enrolled for Winter quarter?!?!?) I can go straight into my degree program! WUHOWWW!!!! I was THRILLED.

Now the only obstacle was finding the monies to go. I immediately began praying that if attending this school at this time was what Heavenly Father wanted for me and mine, the obstacles would be removed and asked a few people I know to be vigilant prayer people to do the same. I am here to tell you God answers prayers because one by one the obstacles came tumbling down and I will be attending school, as Super K pushed for, in January! I still can hardly believe it!

The program I found has the same accreditation as one of the big state schools where I live, the cost of tuition includes books and software, I can test out of classes, (which I will TOTALLY be doing for College Algebra and a few others), my current tuition rate stays locked if I take 4 classes a quarter, and whether I take 16 credits a quarter or 24, I'll only pay for 16! It's almost too good to be true isn't it?!?!? I thought so too, but found another student in an online program at the school who says no, it's not...it is indeed THIS good!

I'm THRILLED!!!! I cannot wait. Just ask Super K, he'll tell you how I've been a pain in his neck! So, here's the plan...test out of 7 credits, two quarters of 5 classes, two quarters of 6 classes and then throw a big ole party to celebrate the achievement of my Associate's Degree. That leaves just 88 more credits for my Bachelor's Degree...another 2 quarters of 5 classes and 2 of 6 and then an even bigger party as I celebrate having earned my Bachelor's Degree. The only regret I've ever lost sleep over finally resolved!

All this, because of the power of ONE word...regionally. I am so grateful to the inspired counsel from a loving Bishop, Super K for believing in me enough to push me for a much earlier entrance, and most importantly, for my Heavenly Father who cleared the obstacles out of the way to make this long time dream a reality!

160 miles = million dollar memories

Throughout this entire process, the one thing that has bothered me is all the family my children have essentially "lost" or effectively been distanced from due to Ex Knight's poor choices. The Mini's fear what will happen if Ex Knight ever learns where we are and his family is like the Mafia without the organized crime. If they tell one of his people where they are, it will spread quicker than wild fire and soon he will know our whereabouts. He claims that all the threats he made were done in anger and he'd never act out on them but he's said one thing and done another enough times that claim has no merit. Better to exercise caution in all things Ex Knight related I think.

Anyway...so here a while back the kids had a 4 day weekend. I decided to make a road trip. I come from a HUGE family...my mother's parents had 8 kids, my father's parents had 5. I have 11 aunts and uncles...you can imagine the cousins I have. Not all of whom have met my children!!! On this extended weekend, I decided it was time to make a road trip. Some of my cousins now have their own families and it was great fun getting to introduce our children to each other.

I was moved to tears seeing the light and joy present in the eyes of my children as they played with their 2nd cousins and their parents and I. We laughed and laughed and laughed over those 4 days and the Mini's forged new relationships with family that have likely left an indelible impression on their hearts and minds and I am thankful for the opportunity to have made the journey.

Due Influence

We hear about what happens when people exercise undue influence over others all the time right? This influence is usually negative in nature. It's the sort of thing you see when someone uses undue pressure to gain a desired result. Bosses can do it when they pressure an employee to perform outside their job description, family can do it when they are trying to get an elderly parent to write a will that benefits them, and abusive men are the MASTER of this negative behavior. They have it down to an art form.

What about though, DUE influence then...it conversely must be the opposite then right?!?!? This morning, as I start the "getting ready for church" process, I found myself reflecting on something I heard earlier this week. Let me explain a little.

Children of the LDS persuasion once 8, begin attending bi-weekly activities at Church. Scouts for boys, Activity or Achievement Days for girls. Last week at this event, I had a conversation with a valiant spirit. I was whining (yes even grown ups whine sometimes too) about how exhausting it is to now be the mom of the kids everyone wants to hang out with. I went on to explain how knock out drag out fights have been started over who these kids do and don't play with and how it's uncommon anymore these days for me not to have 1-5 extra kids or more on any given day in the week. Mr. Valiant said a lot of amazing stuff but namely he counseled me to never underestimate the DUE influence I can have in the lives of these children.

Today, I became aware of just how important such an influence is. I have GREAT kids. I'm biased a little I know, but I also know that I have been lucky to be blessed with such amazing spirits. Their school principal says any educator would be honored to have them in their building, cashiers at Wally World, our second home, comment on how well behaved they are, their friends' parents ask me how I do it, and the list goes on and on of the positive feedback I get regarding them.

So, these good kids have befriended a special set of children. Eleven year old fraternal twins, and their four year old little sister. These three kids spend more time at my house than they do theirs I think. Last night, the twins wanted spent the night so they could come to church with us. This means I've had extra kids overnight for more days in a row than I can remember. This morning though, we woke to find paramedics at the twins' apartment. Their mom isn't doing so well and is going to the hospital so please pray for her. Her children and fiance really need her!

Without a question, I volunteered to take the 4 year old to church with us today so that the fiance can just focus on taking care of Mom. As I sat in my office checking in on Facebook and email and ease dropping on the kids' conversations, I again became reminded of Mr. Valiant's statement about influence.

Though I haven't always had "due influence" on my children, I certainly do now. This influence is proving to have long reaching effects. They then, exercise due influence with their friends and now my place is the coolest place on the block. We have had the Elders over to meet these kids' parents and they've been taught a few discussions. For some reason though, it is often more difficult for adults to accept the truth than it is children and we can't get the parents to church. Today though, I am using my DUE INFLUENCE to take three more precious spirits to church and I am thankful to have the opportunity to do it.