Apparently Another Volume

Sweetheart and I have finally managed to have that talk...it appears we're both feeling the same way. Basically that when it is meant to be, it almost always is.

I do have to say almost always because, with that free agency thing God has given us, sometimes, whether we realize it or not, we jack His plans ALL the way up...thankfully though we've been given the ability to repent and make it right.

Anyway so Sweetheart and I have decided that we're open to writing another volume. He has some things that he needs to take care of first in order to make him more suited to do his part in a relationship and, as you all know (or can find out by scrolling down and reading previous posts) after things with Ex Knight and Charming Lad, I am more than willing to put on my brakes and let the loving of a good man come to me when God decides it's my turn. Now, if that man comes in the shape and form of Sweetheart, whom I've loved since I was very young, well that will be an added bonus I think!

Either way, even if Sweetheart and I don't write another volume together, it is equally good because as Noah says in my favorite love story, The Notebook:

"I am nothing special; just a common girl (he said man) with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

Still sweet I think

The last few days I've found what's left of my mind full of thoughts and feelings about my high school sweetheart. Crazy I know! I mean that was like "in a land far far away" kind of stuff but it is what it is I guess right?

Five years ago he traveled to my location to meet our daughter for the first time. Ex Knight was ummmmmmmm maybe in Iraq at the time I dunno, anyway Ex Knight was gone and Sweetheart was meeting Baby Girl for the first time. It was a very interesting sort of emotions all at the same time. I was frustrated it had taken Sweetheart so long to FINALLY meet our girl and I was a lil miffed with Sweetheart's parents for not telling me he was with them till after I said sure come meet her we'd love to see you. And then, there was the depth of emotion and feeling I realized I still had for Sweetheart when I opened my door and saw him standing there.

I need to back up a lil bit though...Sweetheart and I have known each other a very long time. When Baby Girl was three weeks old, I broke up with Sweetheart. Not because I wanted to, but because I kind of had to. At the time of our break up, he was irresponsible and immature. Getting pregnant required us both to grow up and sadly only one of us did.

Often over the years, even after marrying Ex Knight, I wondered about Sweetheart. What if I'd have stayed in his location, what if I'd have never called it off...what if "IF" happened...now here he was again in my home, in my presence, and suddenly I realized that NOTHING had changed. OK well nothing about how I felt about him had changed anyway. I was still as in love with him as I ever had been.

I deliberately kept my distance, wouldn't get close enough to touch him. When I saw him tuck Baby Girl in and prepare to say good bye my heart blew up and I invited him to stay the night with her. When he accepted, I slept in my room with the door closed and LOCKED. Not because I feared him coming in, but because I feared me going out. With his visit I realized how we had never had closure really and I was still desperately in love with him despite the time and space that had occurred between us, despite being married to Ex Knight, despite leaving, despite his failed attempts at gainful employment and doing the right thing by our Baby Girl. Basically, despite everything I was still in love.

So now we fast forward to present day...I am single and so is Sweetheart. He is now establishing a relationship with Baby Girl and he's told both of us repeatedly that I, Masked Marauder, am the only woman he's ever loved and that he still loves me. Baby Girl states he told her just a few days ago that he loves me to death and in one of our recent conversations, Sweetheart says he's wondered "what if" every day since that fateful day long ago when I left and took Baby Girl with me. Sweetheart says he realizes that my options were scarce and understands why I made the choices I did, but that he's not been the same since.

That got me thinking for a while and then the chaos of a move and Ex Knight's court case and all this other drama served as a thick fog making thoughts of Sweetheart difficult to return to. Now though, as life has settled into or down to normal, I find myself thinking of Sweetheart daily.

I think I'm honestly still sweet on Sweetheart. In the movie Casper, spirits cannot fully cross over to the other side when they've got "un-finished business" on this side. To say Sweetheart and I have some unfinished business is putting it quite mildly. We didn't break up long ago because we wanted to, because our parents made us, or even because I moved back home (we were good at the long distance relationship thing).

I had my own apartment and was working full time but my rent was going to triple when school started and my pregnancy made my hours at work slow down (the chemicals I worked with weren't good for Baby Girl). I wasn't going to be able to afford to pay rent much longer. And Sweetheart didn't find a job or get his own place in time for me to be able to stay. By the time Baby Girl was three weeks old, he still wasn't working or living on his own and I just called it quits. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember how I felt. Those of you around me at the time reading this will likely remember too...despite as many as I know, I lack the words to describe how breaking up with Sweetheart felt.

So now in a bizarre twist of fate, Sweetheart and I are in a position where we could maybe get or have a second chance. There are still a lot of hurdles to overcome...time, distance, ummm religion...lots of things. I mean we've known each other 18 years so the list is endless but it all boils down to this:

I'm still sweet on Sweetheart.

Ok so there, I've admitted it...now the question is, where, if anywhere, do I go from here? I mean some stories can't be told in just one volume...look at Harry Potter, The Eragon Trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the list goes on...

Maybe Sweetheart and I are just beginning the next volume, maybe our story is indeed over. Who knows, I sure don't. All I know is that I'm still sweet and can't help but wonder what if he is too....

TO BE CONTINUED...

Grown Ups Can Play Tag Too

My friend Olivia tagged me, so now I have to let you in on 6 random factoids about myself:

1. I can type faster than a speeding locomotive. I guess 120+ wpm is fast right?!?!?

2. I am the oldest of the 5 children between my parents.

3. I can't read music, but love to sing. I've been told I'm pretty good at it too.

4. I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders...even daddy long legs.

No it wasn't funny being forced by Ex Knight to watch Arachnophobia and I've had nightmares about camel spiders too.

5. I have a psychotic obsession for the color purple. Seriously...I've bought tons of random things just cuz they are purple whether I needed them or not. Pens, paper, stationary, stickers, fabric, thread, clothes. Basically if it's purple, I'm naturally drawn to it. I almost took my can opener and iron back when I saw purple ones a month later and yes I'm thinking about buying the purple ones anyway.

6. I could have been a real life Doogie Houser. I guess back in 1st grade or something my school administrators told my mom that with her permission I could have my high school diploma by 13. She said no though dang it...

Bonus: I am a published author and photographer.

Bonus, Bonus: I am one of the rare few that are "middle-brained." The survey I took says I am open minded but not gullible about things or people. I may run into trouble making decisions sometimes, while my logical brain plays tug-of-war with my gut instinct (boy is this the truth). I enjoy the arts, but also do well in science and math. I appreciate the beauty of all things in life, and am well-rounded. Middle brain students would do well on The Apprentice, since they can have a strong mix of gut instinct and an appreciation for numbers. I could have a strong career in business, but may not go that route; I was more interested in studying the arts and sciences in college.

Now I have to tag 6 other people, but the only friends I have that I know blog are Olivia, Laura and Lynn. Olivia tagged me so Lynn and Laura I'm tagging you!

Here are the Rules:

1. Link this post to the person who tagged you: Olivia

2. Post The Rules on your blog. (see!)
3. List 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Kids say the most amazing things

One of the most difficult parts of single parenting is having ALL the responsibility of both mom and dad draped beautifully across my shoulders and often weighing down my back.

Though Ex Knight has been ordered to do his part financially, there's no telling if monies are coming, let alone when and how much so now I find myself trying to balance the traditional roles of the dad, along with my preferred role as the mom. You know, bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan...

It's tough. More days than not go by with a long list of stuff undone, often coupled with my own inferiority complex. I know, my name is not Linda Carter and I didn't make the role of Wonder Women famous, but now find myself trying to balance it all...I don't have a choice really. I have to learn how to be Wonder Woman.

Money only matters when you don't have enough...seriously. So, it matters a LOT in my life right now. My mind is almost always busy thinking of ways to increase my income without risking Ex Knight finding me (trust me if he does it won't be pretty) and how I can balance my mom duties with my dad obligations to support my family.

Apparently I'm failing miserably at the mom part because tonight my son says "For my birthday Mommy I just want you to play with me," and then the tears began streaming down his face.

A dab of foundation and a little lipstick

With the recent holiday, I've been ever mindful of all the many things I have to be thankful for, but this morning found me even more humbled and grateful...not for the big things like you'd expect, but for the very mundane and simple teeny weenie things.

You see, a soon-to-be Eagle Scout in my ward is doing a project for or with or regarding the homeless. He has decided to put together backpacks of various essential or helpful items and donate them to a local homeless shelter for distribution to the homeless men and women in our area.

Ex Knight is nearly $1900 behind on child support and having only one income in the house makes having monies for extras a rare occasion. I'd say that maybe once in a blue moon do I find myself with EXTRA monies. Extra money...is there really even such a thing as this? Is it kind of like leftover...is extra money what's available after you've tithed, paid all the bills, set some aside for savings, bought your children everything they need, bought groceries, put gas in your car (heck these days you need extra money just to keep that up), and ummmm well yeah I have typed in error. Having one income makes having any additional monies for other totally worthy and notable, but not essential causes, almost impossible.

So back to Eagle Scout's project...he had a specific list of things he'd like included in each backpack. We were asked to donate the backpacks themselves and the items on the list. Monies being as tight as they are, I didn't think this was a project I could help with as much as I wanted to. I mean let's face it, as well as all are or may be intentioned, not everyone can help with everything...

Then what to my wondering eyes did I find (yes I'm starting to look forward to Christmas) but the PERFECT opportunity for me to help! At the bottom of the flyer was a list of some EXTRAS that would be GREAT to include and it was stuff I had lying around anyway.

Long, long ago in another life, I used to be a skin care consultant for a Texas based cosmetics company. I got caught up in the pink haze my former National Area oozed and when I finally navigated through it, I found myself on the other side with a massive amount of stuff I wouldn't use and had no interest in selling. I couldn't just trash it. I mean I paid GOOD money for that stuff dang it! So what if I knew I'd NEVER use it, throwing it away was like throwing away money to me and since we've established there's really no such thing as EXTRA money I'm not about to freely throw it away. Problem was, it was just sitting here taking up space...until this morning.

As my darling daughter and I sorted through hundreds of dollars in product removing the stickers that had my contact information on them, the most awkward feeling came over me. Instead of being grateful for finally being able to unload this junk I found myself contemplating how I'd feel if I was one of the women on the receiving end.

Then I realized how much I truly have to be thankful for.

The extras I had chosen to donate to Eagle Scout's project would likely be viewed as precious treasure in the hands of those less fortunate than myself . Now two weeks ago when I thought I'd give this junk to Eagle Scout, I felt like a kid in a candy store knowing I'd FINALLY be able to get rid of this junk. Today however, while removing the re-order labels I was almost sad thinking about the women who's faces I'd likely never see and wondering how they'd feel to receive my "junk."

I began thinking about how much better I feel when I have my face "made up" and my hair combed and "real" clothes on as opposed to being naked-faced in the comfort of my over-sized flannel pj pants. If you saw my look-good-feel-good stash you'd be amazed or sick I'm not sure which. I've got smell good soaps and lotions and sprays enough to wear a different scent every day of the week for more than one week probably; I've got so many different cosmetics (especially lipstick or gloss) the problem is often "which look do I want to wear today", and, although most of the time I just tie it up in a bun, I've got gorgeous flowing locks that a lot of women would die for (trust me someone different tells me about it each week at church) and the flexibility to wear them pretty much however I want. The point is...I've got enough STUFF to make a small Army look, feel, and smell beautiful every day for some time. Heck I might even have enough stuff to beautify a small country...I'm kind of a hoarder.

Anyway, as I peeled labels off bottles of cleansing gel and lotion, jars of powder, tubes of foundation and the like I found myself wondering how I'd feel if I didn't even have soap. Let alone smell-good-feel-good stuff. I found myself no longer excited to be ridding myself of this junk, but feeling a measure of gratitude beyond words (and I know a LOT of words) for every little comfort I enjoy. I'm so thankful for a roof over my head keeping me safe from the elements, clean clothes whenever I choose to do laundry, the ability to leave my table after EVERY meal feeling satisfied if not stuffed, hot water, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, combs, gel, mousse, shampoo, hair color cuz I'm WAY too young for this gray I got, and the list goes on and on...

I'm especially thankful for foundation and lipstick...I know in my own life a dab of foundation and little lipstick goes a long way...I hope it will do the same for the women on the receiving end of the gift I now feel blessed to be able to give them.

His was a chronic condition

Once upon a time a beautiful young woman was visited by a charming lad. Soon the lad presented the young woman with a ring and a question. The young woman, overjoyed and excited, said yes and the two became engaged. Almost immediately, the young woman discovered the charming lad suffered from a most chronic and SEVERE case of a dreadful condition.

You see, the charming lad suffers from a horrendous condition of yeahbut. Surely you are familiar with this condition. It's likely that everyone you know has been afflicted by it in varying degrees throughout their lives. Rumor has it that this condition is more prevalent in society than the common cold. It is at least ten times easier to catch and five times as difficult to recover from. The only known cure can be found in forsaking certain things and embracing others...often this is extremely difficult for people to do hence curing the condition is often impossible in many cases. Charming lad's case was one such as this.

In fact, his was the absolute worst case the young woman has ever seen. She noticed the symptoms early and spoke to him about it. You can imagine what his response was...yeah but. She thought that perhaps this condition only afflicted areas in which the charming lad had not gained a complete understanding. Unfortunately, it seemed to be prevalent in every area, seemingly permeating the charming lad to the core.

The young woman told the charming lad about a letter she found from the 1st Presidency...his reply was yeah but. She reminded the charming lad about the counsel that has been given repeatedly regarding R-rated movies, again he said yeah but. The charming lad sent pictures to the young woman and she had to remind him again that such images were not in harmony with gospel teachings and again he responded with yeah but. The young woman shared her feelings regarding the charming lad's profile and again he came back with yeah but. He even had a yeah but response concerning the holy garment he that he would soon be wearing. Eventually the young woman couldn't handle it any longer.

A wise friend of the young woman's reminded her that a team of ox will continue to move forward even if one of them is moving at a slower rate of speed. This wise friend also pointed out that if one of the team decides to lay down in the field, the other only has two choices. Be stuck, or break the yoke. The young woman found this explanation very helpful and she began to ponder the message shared by the wise friend.

The young woman had been reluctant to call the engagement off for a variety of reasons. She loved the charming lad and couldn't help but think once he sojourned to the holy house of the Lord he'd gain a greater understanding. She did her absolute best to be patient and support her charming lad, hoping he would bridge the gap between their degrees of spirituality. There was just one problem...

Charming lad decided it was more advantageous to sit in the field. His chronic condition continued to infect his body, mind and soul and every time the young woman spoke his reply was always yeah but. Soon the young woman began to have some doubts and again she began to ponder.

The young woman now had to decide if she was willing to trust charming lad's condition would be reserved for the little things. Given he seemed afflicted with this condition on something as holy and sacred as wearing of the garment (a rather BIG thing in the young woman's opinion), the young woman decided she had better not take chances. If she allowed her mind to run away with itself she could envision her charming lad and her conversing about bigger things like family prayer, scripture study, church attendance, keeping the Sabbath and numerous other subjects. The young woman feared she'd say something like "Charming lad it's time for us to do family scripture study" and his response would be "yeah but I'm busy" or tired or not ready or other similar and assorted remarks.

You know from a previous post that this young woman had already spent way too many years with Ex Knight and she wasn't willing to make some of those past mistakes over again. Did she love her charming lad, but of course. Did she think she and her charming lad could be wonderful together...absolutely. The problem was she also believed that her and Ex Knight could be wonderful together too. She had fallen in love with the concept, what could be versus what actually was and she promised to never do that again.

Charming lad's condition was so unpleasant and awful the young woman was unable to deal with the the affliction any longer. When he refused to do anything to recover from his condition, the young woman called the engagement off. When the young woman contacted her charming lad to verify his address so she could send back the ring, he, much to the young woman's surprise, didn't even respond with yeah but. In fact, the charming lad made no attempt to convince the young woman he was seeking treatment for his condition. He gave the young woman no hope that it could or would be any other way. Days after calling off the engagement, the young woman was shocked to find that her charming lad had been acting in ways inappropriate for a betrothed person for quite some time and she was relieved to have found this information sooner than later.

So now the young woman is again single but she continues to be happy and full of hope and cheer. She has learned some very valuable lessons from her past and is thankful that she's been given the wisdom and courage not to make those same mistakes again. The young woman knows the gospel is true, she knows that families are an essential part of the plan and she is confident that God will send the one exactly right for her when He is ready for her to have him. Her experiences with her charming lad have helped her more carefully examine the things she desires from or in Mr. Exactly Right and she has discussed the modifications with her Father. She is faithful and will rely on Him to provide.

The young woman cautions readers to be very careful of the yeah but ox. Theirs is a very dangerous breed.

Love they neighbor as thyself

So the most interesting experience occurred today at Stake Conference. An event I don't ordinarily like too much and I'm listening to the speakers and, as is usually the case for me, they're all talking about ME personally. Not literally but yeah they could have been cuz so much of what they said was so very pertinent.

Bill Marriott was our concluding speaker and he talked about how essential it is that we develop a higher opinion of ourselves...wow who knew it was OK to be stuck up and conceited...no no that's not what he meant at all but he did point out that the scriptures say to love our neighbors AS ourselves...he then posed a simple yet profound question...how indeed do we love ourselves?!?!?

I'm sure I'm the ONLY one in the world that does this, but I know I personally seem to maybe love others BETTER than myself. I am absolutely my own worst critic that's for sure. No one else has to be hard on me cuz I'm hard enough on me to make up for at least a dozen people if not more. Ok so I'm exaggerating a little bit, I am only really probably hard enough on myself for HALF a dozen people LOL!

President Marriott says it's ESSENTIAL that we develop a higher opinion of ourselves and then goes on to outline a 5 Step Plan. I thought it was pretty simple, something I think I could actually do and so I'm sharing it with you.

Step 1: Rid yourself of guilt for past sins. We are commanded to forgive...EVEN ourselves.

Step 2: Learn how to handle failure and defeat. Always do our best no matter what. As long as we do this, even though we might not win, we will never be defeated.

Step 3: Focus on others. Get lost in service. Serving others feels good and feeling good is an important part of thinking highly of ourselves.

Step 4: Take charge of our life. We can choose to act versus being acted upon and must MAKE things happen instead of letting things happen.

Step 5: Work hard to develop our spirituality. Give thanks, ask for help, search ponder and pray and of course, read your scriptures.

This really got me thinking...if the scriptures are true (and I know they are) then it is REALLY ok to love myself as I love my neighbors...time to love myself a little more I guess. Thanks President Marriott for outlining a plan to help me do just that.