Friday, February 6, 2009

Opposition in all things

It's been a really trying last couple of days. My head has been pounding, my eyes have been crying, and my heart has been breaking as I struggle to provide for my clan.

There have been problems left and right and people keep saying "hang in there", but guess what I'm tired of hanging in. My arms hurt and are now stretched so far they now resemble Stretch or whatever he was called in Fantastic Four.

Ex Knight shorts me child support all the time and yet I'm powerless to do anything about it because the risk completely outweighs the reward. And yet, his shortage harms the people he claims to love the most...his children. Though not nearly as much as I used to be, I try to be optimistic. The optimistic side of me wants to believe that Ex Knight is doing the absolute best he can to at least provide financially, but the fact is I just don't know and his shortage hurts my children when I can't bridge the gap.

I feel ummm....I feel like a hamster stuck in the ball. I can SEE through the plastic and I know there is SO MUCH more out there but seem powerless to get out of the ball and into the more ya know?!?!? I'm tired...very tired.

I hate being STUCK. In fact, I hate all things even CLOSE to stuck. I don't like being in sticky situaitons, I don't like sticky hands or fingers or faces and I ESEPCIALLY hate being stuck. There's nothing more frustrating than being stuck. Wanting more, praying for more, working hard to get more, and being stuck waiting for it or not getting it. Yes I know, His time is not ours but that knowledge does little to help alleviate the frustration, heartache, and stress that accompany being STUCK. I feel completely stuck on stuck and I've NO idea how to move past it.

Over and over I've asked myself, my dad, and my God why. What on earth is the reason I've got to remain in this stuck position that I detest so much? And then I am reminded that the scriptures say there must needs be opposition in ALL things. Not some things, not a few things, not the easy things, not the hard things, not the fun things, not the sad things, not the happy things, but ALL things.

That concept has sometimes been really difficult for me to get my head around but I'm trying and somehow, when I think there's nothing left, I get on my knees, I get in His word, I dig deep and find just a little bit more as I continue to endeavor all the while trusting that this too shall pass. Hopefully it passes sooner than later.

1 comment:

szentner said...

Hey girlie girl,

Be sure to re-read your salad dressing piece. You just keep wending your way through this mess and that mess, and you're right, it's all mess! But sometimes it's mixed up just right and tastes great.

Your scripture consult sounds like a winning idea.

Also you can open up a free account at and type in your favorite song and Pandora will give you a whole bunch more songs you will like.

I'm trying to follow the teachings of Marsha Lineham: identify what I'm feeling, is it justified by the situation, do I want to hang onto it, if not, I need to do an action opposite to the emotion. My emotions cause actions, but my actions can also change my emotions. The principle is called OPPOSITE ACTION.

As in FEAR. Is my wellbeing, my life, my health (or that of my kids) in danger? Is my fear justified? Even if it is, is my fear helping me? If I want to change my fear, I need to take some kind of UNFEARFUL ACTION. I need to step forward into the fearful situation. As I do this, my unfearful action will begin to change my fear.

I'm sending prayers your way. I hope your writing helps -- you are so good at EXPRESSING yourself!!