Friday, December 26, 2008

Apparently Another Volume

Sweetheart and I have finally managed to have that appears we're both feeling the same way. Basically that when it is meant to be, it almost always is.

I do have to say almost always because, with that free agency thing God has given us, sometimes, whether we realize it or not, we jack His plans ALL the way up...thankfully though we've been given the ability to repent and make it right.

Anyway so Sweetheart and I have decided that we're open to writing another volume. He has some things that he needs to take care of first in order to make him more suited to do his part in a relationship and, as you all know (or can find out by scrolling down and reading previous posts) after things with Ex Knight and Charming Lad, I am more than willing to put on my brakes and let the loving of a good man come to me when God decides it's my turn. Now, if that man comes in the shape and form of Sweetheart, whom I've loved since I was very young, well that will be an added bonus I think!

Either way, even if Sweetheart and I don't write another volume together, it is equally good because as Noah says in my favorite love story, The Notebook:

"I am nothing special; just a common girl (he said man) with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Still sweet I think

The last few days I've found what's left of my mind full of thoughts and feelings about my high school sweetheart. Crazy I know! I mean that was like "in a land far far away" kind of stuff but it is what it is I guess right?

Five years ago he traveled to my location to meet our daughter for the first time. Ex Knight was ummmmmmmm maybe in Iraq at the time I dunno, anyway Ex Knight was gone and Sweetheart was meeting Baby Girl for the first time. It was a very interesting sort of emotions all at the same time. I was frustrated it had taken Sweetheart so long to FINALLY meet our girl and I was a lil miffed with Sweetheart's parents for not telling me he was with them till after I said sure come meet her we'd love to see you. And then, there was the depth of emotion and feeling I realized I still had for Sweetheart when I opened my door and saw him standing there.

I need to back up a lil bit though...Sweetheart and I have known each other a very long time. When Baby Girl was three weeks old, I broke up with Sweetheart. Not because I wanted to, but because I kind of had to. At the time of our break up, he was irresponsible and immature. Getting pregnant required us both to grow up and sadly only one of us did.

Often over the years, even after marrying Ex Knight, I wondered about Sweetheart. What if I'd have stayed in his location, what if I'd have never called it off...what if "IF" here he was again in my home, in my presence, and suddenly I realized that NOTHING had changed. OK well nothing about how I felt about him had changed anyway. I was still as in love with him as I ever had been.

I deliberately kept my distance, wouldn't get close enough to touch him. When I saw him tuck Baby Girl in and prepare to say good bye my heart blew up and I invited him to stay the night with her. When he accepted, I slept in my room with the door closed and LOCKED. Not because I feared him coming in, but because I feared me going out. With his visit I realized how we had never had closure really and I was still desperately in love with him despite the time and space that had occurred between us, despite being married to Ex Knight, despite leaving, despite his failed attempts at gainful employment and doing the right thing by our Baby Girl. Basically, despite everything I was still in love.

So now we fast forward to present day...I am single and so is Sweetheart. He is now establishing a relationship with Baby Girl and he's told both of us repeatedly that I, Masked Marauder, am the only woman he's ever loved and that he still loves me. Baby Girl states he told her just a few days ago that he loves me to death and in one of our recent conversations, Sweetheart says he's wondered "what if" every day since that fateful day long ago when I left and took Baby Girl with me. Sweetheart says he realizes that my options were scarce and understands why I made the choices I did, but that he's not been the same since.

That got me thinking for a while and then the chaos of a move and Ex Knight's court case and all this other drama served as a thick fog making thoughts of Sweetheart difficult to return to. Now though, as life has settled into or down to normal, I find myself thinking of Sweetheart daily.

I think I'm honestly still sweet on Sweetheart. In the movie Casper, spirits cannot fully cross over to the other side when they've got "un-finished business" on this side. To say Sweetheart and I have some unfinished business is putting it quite mildly. We didn't break up long ago because we wanted to, because our parents made us, or even because I moved back home (we were good at the long distance relationship thing).

I had my own apartment and was working full time but my rent was going to triple when school started and my pregnancy made my hours at work slow down (the chemicals I worked with weren't good for Baby Girl). I wasn't going to be able to afford to pay rent much longer. And Sweetheart didn't find a job or get his own place in time for me to be able to stay. By the time Baby Girl was three weeks old, he still wasn't working or living on his own and I just called it quits. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember how I felt. Those of you around me at the time reading this will likely remember too...despite as many as I know, I lack the words to describe how breaking up with Sweetheart felt.

So now in a bizarre twist of fate, Sweetheart and I are in a position where we could maybe get or have a second chance. There are still a lot of hurdles to overcome...time, distance, ummm religion...lots of things. I mean we've known each other 18 years so the list is endless but it all boils down to this:

I'm still sweet on Sweetheart.

Ok so there, I've admitted the question is, where, if anywhere, do I go from here? I mean some stories can't be told in just one volume...look at Harry Potter, The Eragon Trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the list goes on...

Maybe Sweetheart and I are just beginning the next volume, maybe our story is indeed over. Who knows, I sure don't. All I know is that I'm still sweet and can't help but wonder what if he is too....


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Grown Ups Can Play Tag Too

My friend Olivia tagged me, so now I have to let you in on 6 random factoids about myself:

1. I can type faster than a speeding locomotive. I guess 120+ wpm is fast right?!?!?

2. I am the oldest of the 5 children between my parents.

3. I can't read music, but love to sing. I've been told I'm pretty good at it too.

4. I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders...even daddy long legs.

No it wasn't funny being forced by Ex Knight to watch Arachnophobia and I've had nightmares about camel spiders too.

5. I have a psychotic obsession for the color purple. Seriously...I've bought tons of random things just cuz they are purple whether I needed them or not. Pens, paper, stationary, stickers, fabric, thread, clothes. Basically if it's purple, I'm naturally drawn to it. I almost took my can opener and iron back when I saw purple ones a month later and yes I'm thinking about buying the purple ones anyway.

6. I could have been a real life Doogie Houser. I guess back in 1st grade or something my school administrators told my mom that with her permission I could have my high school diploma by 13. She said no though dang it...

Bonus: I am a published author and photographer.

Bonus, Bonus: I am one of the rare few that are "middle-brained." The survey I took says I am open minded but not gullible about things or people. I may run into trouble making decisions sometimes, while my logical brain plays tug-of-war with my gut instinct (boy is this the truth). I enjoy the arts, but also do well in science and math. I appreciate the beauty of all things in life, and am well-rounded. Middle brain students would do well on The Apprentice, since they can have a strong mix of gut instinct and an appreciation for numbers. I could have a strong career in business, but may not go that route; I was more interested in studying the arts and sciences in college.

Now I have to tag 6 other people, but the only friends I have that I know blog are Olivia, Laura and Lynn. Olivia tagged me so Lynn and Laura I'm tagging you!

Here are the Rules:

1. Link this post to the person who tagged you: Olivia

2. Post The Rules on your blog. (see!)
3. List 6 random things about yourself.
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Kids say the most amazing things

One of the most difficult parts of single parenting is having ALL the responsibility of both mom and dad draped beautifully across my shoulders and often weighing down my back.

Though Ex Knight has been ordered to do his part financially, there's no telling if monies are coming, let alone when and how much so now I find myself trying to balance the traditional roles of the dad, along with my preferred role as the mom. You know, bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan...

It's tough. More days than not go by with a long list of stuff undone, often coupled with my own inferiority complex. I know, my name is not Linda Carter and I didn't make the role of Wonder Women famous, but now find myself trying to balance it all...I don't have a choice really. I have to learn how to be Wonder Woman.

Money only matters when you don't have enough...seriously. So, it matters a LOT in my life right now. My mind is almost always busy thinking of ways to increase my income without risking Ex Knight finding me (trust me if he does it won't be pretty) and how I can balance my mom duties with my dad obligations to support my family.

Apparently I'm failing miserably at the mom part because tonight my son says "For my birthday Mommy I just want you to play with me," and then the tears began streaming down his face.