Thursday, December 17, 2009

Can I getaway?

As you know, I'm totally and completely audio powered. Music speaks to me when often nothing and no one else can. Lately I've been going through some stuff...not bad or good, just stuff. Life often comes at me hard and fast and sometimes it gets REALLY difficult to endure. I am privileged to have a vast support system all over the world; one of the biggest supports is my sistuh from anutha mutha that I call Verizon.

Yesterday Verizon and I were talking via Yahoo Instant Messenger and she shared with me some lyrics to this song that brought tears to her eyes and made her think of me. I read the lyrics and was amazed at how well I could relate to them, but didn't have time to watch the video she sent me a link to until later last night.

The first time I watched the video, tears poured down my face for no reason and every reason all at the same time. I have been listening to this song ever is having an interesting effect on my heart and emotions right now. If ever a song could adequately depict that "private" place I'm in most of the time...this song is it. Now that private place is public I guess.

Monica, the artist, says "so much on my shoulders and so much on my mind seems no one can help me. I think I just need some time. Sometimes I wish I could hideaway, looking for a place to getaway getaway from all the heartache and pain that life can bring. I really don't want to sound like I can't hold my ground but everybody needs some time that they can getaway. Sometimes I wish I was invisible cuz then no one would know where I am to ask me for anything. Cuz I've given so much of me when is it time for me to receive cuz Monica has her needs, who's gonna look out for me?"

This is SOOOOOOOOO powerful for me. I often feel like I have so many people who expect so much from me there is no way I can ever possibly hope to deliver. I am, of course, just one person. The feeling of not being able to deliver often brings about some personal insecurities, fears and worries. Sadly, I don't have the opportunity to just "getaway" very fact, it's something I almost never do. I guess I just feel too needed by too many people all the time and often I fail to take care of myself emotionally or physically in the process. Yes, sometimes I honestly do wish I was invisible.

Monica goes on to say, "you know I'm not Superwoman and I'm not made of steel. I try my best to handle all I have to do and it's not as easy as it seems and to think this was my dream. Now for everything I have I'm grateful, but sometimes I wanna getaway." One of my all time favorite songs is actually called "Superwoman" but it's sung by Karyn White and refers to a relationship between a woman and her man. Must be something about me and "superwoman".

I often feel like I'm expected to be Superwoman all the time. It was expected of me during my childhood, during college, during my marriage, and even more so now I think. I often feel like I'm so busy being all things to all people and at the end of the day there's no one standing here being anything, let alone "everything" to me. It's a difficult place to find yourself in over and over and over again.

Yes, I can hold my ground. I get a lot of feedback on how beautifully I'm doing it, but as I listen to this song over and over it has occurred to me that maybe just maybe I don't always want to have to hold this ground. Instead, maybe I just want someone to hold it all for me. And yes, I know that this is exactly what the Savior does for us but that knowledge often does little to help ease the burden of the "alone" I feel and carry on a regular basis.

Notice I said...alone and not lonely. I am surrounded by people I love (whom also love me) so I seldom feel lonely but there are more days than I'd like to mention where I feel alone. Even after reading my scriptures, even after pleading with my Heavenly Father, even after talking to Verizon or my sister or my Besties.

Like Monica, I need a getaway. A place I can get away from all the demands placed upon me as a single, working, student and parent. A place I can run to escape the heartache and pain that often comes with my present circumstance. A place I can go to escape the demands of school, be unavailable to anything and anyone for work, and get a reprieve from child rearing. A place I can just be the woman I've become and not the kids' mom and the boss and the computer diva and the creative genius (clients have actually called me this) and the and. A place where there are no expectations and I can just BE. A place I can go where someone else will hold the ground and for a change and I can just walk on it.

If you know of such place, please let me know. To hear Monica's beautiful voice sing words that speak from and to my heart, please click the play button on the media player below.

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