Sunday, December 20, 2009

Verizon I can hear you now

Originally I chose Verizon's blog name because we talk by phone EVERY day several times and day and a lot of the conversation consists of "I can't hear you" or "Can you hear me now." Verizon seemed the perfect option.

Last night she and I had a conversation that I'm still thinking about some 12 hours later. Verizon has this uncanny knack to be able to just KNOW what I need to hear, when I need to hear it and can read my like a book. She says she knows me so well it's almost wrong...she might be right. At any rate, Verizon and I had a completely candid conversation last night and she pointed out a few things that were honestly difficult to swallow but I heard her. Not only did I hear her, I was listening.

It's extremely difficult to let your guard down when, for the last two years or so, you've been required to keep it up as a matter of safety. It's tough to let someone know all there is to know about you and keep it totally real when, to some degree, your daily life is a bit of a farce. A necessary farce, but farce nonetheless.

Verizon pointed out that it is high time I take the rest of my power back. That I worry less on what Ex Knight may or may not do and worry more about living my life to the fullest measure. She cautioned that perhaps being so guarded can likely cost me the thing I want the most. The love of a man who is capable of being the getaway I need. It was a humbling and thought provoking experience to say the least. I am thankful for the relationship Verizon I have so she can put "it" to me whenever it needs to be put and do so in a way that I feel contemplative and inspired.

Keeping my guard up really amounts to fear. What if I let it down, and I get hurt? But, as she pointed out so well, what if I don't and get hurt anyway? Touche my dear Verizon, touche. I went to the scriptures this morning to find a few fear related scriptures and came across something pretty profound, of course I think the answers you find in scriptures are always profound.

Psalms 56:3 says "what time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Later in verse 11 of this same chapter it says "in God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid of what man can do unto me." I have put my trust in God, but have still been afraid of what Ex Knight can do to me if he finds is the day I move past that fear. And then later, in Psalms 112: 7 it says "he shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord."

It has occurred to me I cannot completely trust my God when I continue to live in fear and be afraid of what "evil tidings" Ex Knight may or may not choose to invoke upon me and mine. The only man in my entire life that has NEVER let me down, hurt me, or left me alone has been my Father in Heaven...from this day forward, I will do my best to demonstrate my trust in Him by going forth, not in fear, but in perfect faith knowing that He knows me and is mindful of my needs and trust Him to meet them even if I have to let my guard down for Him to do it.

Verizon, I can hear you and I am grateful you are speaking. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do in my life.