Friday, December 18, 2009

What if Spidey makes my senses tingle?

Have you ever asked for something without fully intending to have it handed to you? Have you ever sought something you weren't sure you were ready for once you got it? Or maybe the thing you've always wanted continues to evade you and is constantly just out of reach? Even still, perhaps you've prayed and prayed for something but God has needed you to learn a lesson or two or twenty-five before indulging your desire; maybe His answer to your desire is even no. I'm the only this has happened to ever right?!? No, ok good I might have been worried for a minute.

Recently an Internet "flirt" turned into an email and that email turned into conversations and those conversations have turned into a lot of potential. That potential, if lived up to, has the ability to be life changing. Just knowing that is enough to scare me and yet the more I get to know the man I call Spidey, the more I want to know all there is to know about him.

Early in my life I heard a quote that goes something along the lines of "I refuse to have a battle of wit with an unarmed person," and I have found myself having to reflect on this comment often since. At the risk of sounding arrogant, this fact remains: VERY few people can match my wit...let alone beat it. I've met very few women who can do it, and no man has ever been able to come close...that is until now.

After a few email exchanges and lots of coaching from B Cubed, I finally give Spidey a call (you'll get why I call him Spidey later in this blog). Unfortunately, the intense pain I've been in from my car wreck have made him and I having "real" bilateral conversations a little bit of a challenge, but about a week ago we had the first of what I hope proves to be numerous engaging phone calls. It was during this call that his Masked Marauder identity revealed itself. Let me explain:

Having wanted to be a journalist, I was in mid interview with him. I asked the question "what is your biggest fear," and he gave me a very impressive and deep answer. I felt so shallow because mine isn't anything as is quite simply arachnids. Yes folks, this chick is insanely terrified of spiders, even those lil mini red ones that are so teeny you almost need a microscope to see them move and daddy long legs too and everything in between.

Spidey took my fear and wit and combined the two to create something NO ONE has ever been able to accomplish and in the end, served my behind to me on a diamond encrusted platter. When hearing my ridiculous fear (yes I know it IS ridiculous but it's mine and I own it) he went on to tell the most elaborate story I've probably ever heard as it relates to spiders.

Below is a brief (it lasted probably the better part of 15 - 20 minutes) summary of some of that story:

Spidey: I'm gonna help you conquer your fear when you get out here. I'll get you totally nice and relaxed and then, when you aren't looking, I'll just put one of my tarantulas on you.

Me: (thinking OMW is this guy SERIOUS) Ummmm...good luck with that because when I notice it on me, I'm likely going to scream.

Spidey: No no, you don't want to do that because then he'll get scared and bite you. He's not poisonous but it still hurts.

At some other point in the story Spidey says something about how his female tarantula laid eggs in his neighbors head and no one realized till they hatched and on and on and on. Suffice it to say, If I had hair on my arms it would be standing straight up, my chest was heaving, my palms sweating, my stomach in knots, goosebumps, etc. In short I was having a lil bit of an anxiety attack and then this happened:

Spidey: Actually I've got one sitting right here on my chest I'm petting him and playing with him right now. He's pretty cool you'll like him (I'm thinking uh yeah don't bet your life on that). OW...OW OW he just bit me!

Me: (imagines the color draining out of my face like water out of a bathtub)

Spidey: I'm just kidding but I totally had you going didn't I?

And that ladies and gents...he COMPLETELY did. He had me going...I fell for it all hook line and sinker. A couple of times during his spidey tail I thought he was fibbin' and pulling my leg. I asked a question I thought would trip him up if he was teasing; he never missed a beat.

WELL DONE SPIDEY!!!! Your quick wit and ability to make me laugh are big selling points. Even if it took a creepy story for you to fully demonstrate your capabilities. You are off to a great start.

But wait there's isn't just his wit.

I've told Spidey several times that the potential for me to fall for him is there, but I'm not "there" yet. He's cute, he's witty, he's had enough similar experiences to be able to completely relate to most of mine, he can be pretty charming, he's a lot of things actually. I must admit I am totally captivated by his presence in my life and want to know all there is to know about him. I can't think of too many things he could tell me that would send me heading for the hills either.

I've often told my loved ones I am looking for a man who is willing to charge in on his galloping steed to "rescue" me but who also understands that I don't need him to save me because I can save myself. Yesterday I think it was, maybe the night before, Verizon made a judgment call that allowed me to come to the realization that Spidey could certainly be such a man as this and now that I have, I'm not sure where to go from here.

He makes me laugh, he's witty, he's cute, he's smart, he's engaging...AND he knows the precise moment in which to ride in and save the day...maybe this is too good to be true.

How did he ride in you ask? He called me when I was in the middle of a moment and successfully steered me right out of it, allowing me to feel better and filling me with hope. The words he chose to use and the counsel he provided still ring in my ears right now as I type this blog.

Sidebar: After listening to Monica's "Getaway" repeatedly, I've finally learned EXACTLY what I want and need in a short, "he" has to be the getaway. Maybe I'll write another entry on what I mean by that later. We'll see I guess.

And now, back to the story.

I was a little miffed with Verizon for letting him know I was having a moment. It's not easy being vulnerable and I was very vulnerable during this moment of mine, but he guided me through it so beautifully it could have almost been art. It's been a long time since a man (barring those related to me) has ever been so concerned about me. This concern both amazes and alarms me all at the same time and part of me wants to throw up barriers and run.

To speak (well type actually) totally honest it's like this. Spidey has an enormous amount of potential to be "the man" versus just a man. And, while I'm not sure he'll live up to that potential (because not everyone does), I find myself more afraid of what if he does? I've prayed for such a man as this for a long time, and now that he might be on the horizon, I'm just not sure. I think I'm honestly afraid...ok no I KNOW that I am honestly afraid of what happens to me if he does live up to his potential. My fear and insecurities are screaming at me to run far and fast and yet I just don't seem to be able to walk away.

I've loved and lost a few different times now. I spent 10 years married to a man who didn't deserve to have me for even one, I've given my heart to people who've done nothing but rip it out of me and feed it to me for breakfast and I've learned to guard and protect it something fierce. I'm afraid those walls could inhibit forward progress in my current situation. I mean if I don't give Spidey my heart he will never be able to break it right? Though I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, those days are long past. I refuse to give my heart (let alone soul) to anyone who doesn't see the value of having it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, I think I'd almost rather keep my heart secure in it's own fortress than share it with anyone and yet Spidey has me interested enough to consider sharing it with him.

I don't want my baggage (let's face it, whether we'll admit it or not, we ALL have baggage), fear and past heartache to rob me of future promise, but sometimes I honestly feel so powerless to stop it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained I know. At the same time though...the best way to keep my heart in tact is to refrain from giving it to anyone ever again. Keeping my heart so guarded though has left me feeling alone more than I'd like and I don't think I want to feel that way any longer.

I suspect that Spidey has his own fears and insecurities. He wouldn't be human if he didn't. Prayerfully, neither one of us will allow those fears and insecurities to get in the way of the potential though. And, while not everyone lives up to their potential, I sit here hoping Spidey will. Only time will tell I guess and I have plenty of that.

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