Saturday, December 20, 2008

Still sweet I think

The last few days I've found what's left of my mind full of thoughts and feelings about my high school sweetheart. Crazy I know! I mean that was like "in a land far far away" kind of stuff but it is what it is I guess right?

Five years ago he traveled to my location to meet our daughter for the first time. Ex Knight was ummmmmmmm maybe in Iraq at the time I dunno, anyway Ex Knight was gone and Sweetheart was meeting Baby Girl for the first time. It was a very interesting sort of emotions all at the same time. I was frustrated it had taken Sweetheart so long to FINALLY meet our girl and I was a lil miffed with Sweetheart's parents for not telling me he was with them till after I said sure come meet her we'd love to see you. And then, there was the depth of emotion and feeling I realized I still had for Sweetheart when I opened my door and saw him standing there.

I need to back up a lil bit though...Sweetheart and I have known each other a very long time. When Baby Girl was three weeks old, I broke up with Sweetheart. Not because I wanted to, but because I kind of had to. At the time of our break up, he was irresponsible and immature. Getting pregnant required us both to grow up and sadly only one of us did.

Often over the years, even after marrying Ex Knight, I wondered about Sweetheart. What if I'd have stayed in his location, what if I'd have never called it off...what if "IF" here he was again in my home, in my presence, and suddenly I realized that NOTHING had changed. OK well nothing about how I felt about him had changed anyway. I was still as in love with him as I ever had been.

I deliberately kept my distance, wouldn't get close enough to touch him. When I saw him tuck Baby Girl in and prepare to say good bye my heart blew up and I invited him to stay the night with her. When he accepted, I slept in my room with the door closed and LOCKED. Not because I feared him coming in, but because I feared me going out. With his visit I realized how we had never had closure really and I was still desperately in love with him despite the time and space that had occurred between us, despite being married to Ex Knight, despite leaving, despite his failed attempts at gainful employment and doing the right thing by our Baby Girl. Basically, despite everything I was still in love.

So now we fast forward to present day...I am single and so is Sweetheart. He is now establishing a relationship with Baby Girl and he's told both of us repeatedly that I, Masked Marauder, am the only woman he's ever loved and that he still loves me. Baby Girl states he told her just a few days ago that he loves me to death and in one of our recent conversations, Sweetheart says he's wondered "what if" every day since that fateful day long ago when I left and took Baby Girl with me. Sweetheart says he realizes that my options were scarce and understands why I made the choices I did, but that he's not been the same since.

That got me thinking for a while and then the chaos of a move and Ex Knight's court case and all this other drama served as a thick fog making thoughts of Sweetheart difficult to return to. Now though, as life has settled into or down to normal, I find myself thinking of Sweetheart daily.

I think I'm honestly still sweet on Sweetheart. In the movie Casper, spirits cannot fully cross over to the other side when they've got "un-finished business" on this side. To say Sweetheart and I have some unfinished business is putting it quite mildly. We didn't break up long ago because we wanted to, because our parents made us, or even because I moved back home (we were good at the long distance relationship thing).

I had my own apartment and was working full time but my rent was going to triple when school started and my pregnancy made my hours at work slow down (the chemicals I worked with weren't good for Baby Girl). I wasn't going to be able to afford to pay rent much longer. And Sweetheart didn't find a job or get his own place in time for me to be able to stay. By the time Baby Girl was three weeks old, he still wasn't working or living on his own and I just called it quits. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember how I felt. Those of you around me at the time reading this will likely remember too...despite as many as I know, I lack the words to describe how breaking up with Sweetheart felt.

So now in a bizarre twist of fate, Sweetheart and I are in a position where we could maybe get or have a second chance. There are still a lot of hurdles to overcome...time, distance, ummm religion...lots of things. I mean we've known each other 18 years so the list is endless but it all boils down to this:

I'm still sweet on Sweetheart.

Ok so there, I've admitted the question is, where, if anywhere, do I go from here? I mean some stories can't be told in just one volume...look at Harry Potter, The Eragon Trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the list goes on...

Maybe Sweetheart and I are just beginning the next volume, maybe our story is indeed over. Who knows, I sure don't. All I know is that I'm still sweet and can't help but wonder what if he is too....


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