Ok, before you take the time to read this blog, I need to give you the "fine print".
***Please be advised that some of the people I suspect who will read this blog are those who I knew once upon a time and am getting to know all over again. They are they who've not seen or heard from me in a few years. As many as oh like 15 or so in some cases. Others who read this blog will know me well, and I suspect still others won't know me at all and you know what...it's all good cuz this is my story and I'm sticking to it.***
Now that we've gotten that out the way...get up, grab your favorite beverage, a blankie if you like and sit down and get ready for a nice long read. Those that know me well can tell you I'm always good for a story...
Let's go back in time...the year was 1994. After a failed attempt at college in a sunny and warm location, I returned to the land of my birth. Still feeling the need to edge-u-muh-kate myself I decided to attend community college and had a much better go at it. Some of the stress in my life at the time I attended school in the sunny warm spot was gone, I was surrounded by family and had lots of support so I seemed to be more successful.
It's now April of 1995 and with the excess monies I had from financial aid I decide to take a cross country road trip to visit my high school sweetheart I was still a lil (ok no a LOT) crushed on. He, being the gentleman he was and TOTALLY diggin me, took me on yet another road trip to meet my "other" brother. You see, there are two by mom, one by dad...the "other" one is mine by dad...
Anyways so yeah I meet my middle brother, his mom, 2 of my uncles, one of my aunts, and my grandmother. For the first time in 20 years, all in one night....yeah talk about an emotional thrill ride I'm tellin ya. It was AWESOME though!
My dear sweet grandmother....awww I miss her so much...she died within months of meeting me. But alas I'm getting a head of myself in the story....
After returning to the land of my birth from my visit with high school sweetheart, auntie calls and says grandma's not fairing so well and I should come stay with them and have some time with her before she passes...I did just that. On my way to their home however, I stopped off for a rendezvous with the sweetheart...a few weeks after arriving at Uncle and Aunt's house the stick I peed on said UT OH you're having a baby now you better grow up. Well no, really it just turned the color necessary to indicate I was positively pregnant...
Moved into my own apartment right next to the college I wanted to go to but never did . During the summer I worked and spent hours trying to get my head around the fact I was about to be a mom and wasn't married and was LDS and....
Then school begins and my rent triples. My modest income wasn't enough and baby daddy honestly wasn't much help...it was time to again return to the land I hailed from and I began making my tearful goodbyes.
It's now August of 1995 and I'm back in the land of my birth. Living at home, going to school again, (fortunately my little hiatus in a far off land didn't impact classes), and preparing for impending mommy-hood right.
September dawns and I'm forced to go camping much to my dismay. While I can do it, it's totally NOT my favorite thing to do. I kinda like things like electricity and running water along with indoor plumbing and ummm matresses. Digressing again I do apologize...
Upon return from that eventful camping experience I get some very disturbing calls...when finally getting someone in the distant land to answer my call, I get the saddest news I've ever heard. Glorious Grandmother has passed away...I'm crushed and unable to attend the funeral.
On October 17th of that same year I have an ultra sound...finally a first peak at the little bambino who I was SHORE would be a boy (cuz that's just what high school sweetheart's family do) and yet to my amazement the tech discloses "it's a girl." WHAT...I'm ELATED and sad all at the same time...Grandma was right! You see, when we had that tearful goodbye she put her hands up on my tum so gently and boldly stated what the tech just confirmed...a daughter would soon take me from young adult to mommy. Wow, I was totally NOT ready....
Now it's February of 1996 and I've a beautiful little girl. I am still in school full time but working full time too. Sorry but "welfare mom" was never in my top 1 billion most important things to do in life list...
A year later I found my Knight In Shining Armor (not high school sweetheart...us having a baby required us both to grow up but only one of us did....) and after a short engagement we said I do. Three weeks later, my blessed grandfather passes. And 5 months later I was wishing I had said I don't intead of I do...that may be a tale for another blog. Suffice it to say he was not knight, not shining and well WE needed to be wearing armor.
Marriage, complete with assorted trials and tribulations (some huge, others not so big) happens and three months in the stick says another baby is going to join our family...we get excited only to find out the stick lied. Miscarriage number 1. A few months later another stick says a baby is on the way and in February of 1998, yup you guessed it miscarriage #2. A separation, a reconciliation, and finally in 1999, baby number 2.
And then they just KEPT coming...a trip to parts unknown to see a husband accomplish a milestone results in conception of baby number 3 and shortly thereafter we're off to a place of lofty grandeur.
Ok where was I...aww yes the dim days of Spring 2001....
It's more of the same....much miserableness intertwined with a glint of happiness here and again...alas we did just one thing well and soon baby number 4 is on the way. Yes I had 3 babies in 32 months...am I crazy...not any longer, but at the time, yes, I certainly was.
12 weeks into pregnancy number 6 (4 live births, two miscarriages) not so darling husband decides he's done "playing house" and we file for divorce...AGAIN. He's sent to foreign soil just weeks before the only boy was due and somehow we made it through....
Now it's May of 2002 and a reconciliation has just occured. Promises of change and hope, this and this and that as well, but yes they were empty, as you likely could tell. Fast forward now to April the following year and it's off to foreign lands again for the one I used to call dear...
Don't ask me why I just went into rhyme lame I know sorry....digressing again....I told you I'm new at this bear with me.
Sending my husband and children's father off to war was an experience like never before...looking back now it wasn't so bad but during the time frame there were many days I didn't know if I could drag myself out of bed ONE more time and drudge through the day...somehow though, I did. EVEN when my then 3 year old darling daughter caused a 30k dollar flood...again a tale for another blog perhaps.
So now it's March of 2004 and his tour is up. We had the proverbial honeymoon phase and soon a man that was already bad when angry went from bad to worse...we lived in hell for a little over 3 years, once again with happiness sprinkled throughout.
Have you seen Finding Nemo...you know when they're in the mine field with the sharks...that's what it was like living with him. He was the shark, we were the fish and everything else was the mines. To my surprize however, the tide turned. Some bad habits were stopped and even an ordination to the Aaronic Priesthood....a temple marriage he promised would be coming too. Good thing I quit waiting for it....
He began working locally in July of 2006 and by December I realized our marriage only worked cuz he was never around...I didn't much care for him now that he was. That was the beginning of the end...
Now it's May of 2007 and instead of being a good and righteous example I've followed my husband in unrighteous endeavors. I was MISERABLE. The scripture say Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy right...well there was not even so much as a drop of joy to be found...
I started my own business in May of 2006 and worked obscene hours just so I didn't have to do the "Mom and wife thing". I woke up with him next to me thinking "UGH why are you still here"? I tried and tried, I sacrificed everything, including my morals in an attempt to give him what he claimed he wanted and the only thing I got in return was verbal, emotional, physical and yes even sometimes sexual abuse.
Our home environment was AWFUL, everyone was unhappy, I had no idea where scriptures were so I obviously wasn't reading them, family anything religious caused major contention and to be quite frank....I would end my prayers with and if I just don't wake up tomorrow that'd really be fine with me.
Ok so I've decided I just CANNOT take this friends with benefits sometimes but really more like roommates thing my "husband" (I put it in quotes cuz by this time it was by legal definition only) and I are doing. I'm tired, I've had enough, I REALLY DO believe that Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy (yes WOmen too) and I wanted my joy.
I approach the children one warm June evening and try my best to explain that our family is breaking up. That it takes two to fix what's wrong and I'm the only want that wants or is willing to make the effort, that I just don't love Daddy the way I should as his wife and it's time for him to go. I proceed to explain sort of how divorce works...you know with mom this time, with dad this time....and then everything changed....
Two of my three children present began to tremble...if I didn't know better I'd almost think we lived on the San Andreas fault like cuz they were literally QUAKING in fear. The third began to sob uncontrollably...what came next is pretty much every parents worst dream. Only the perp was Daddy...I was ummmmmmmm....yeah I don't quite know the right word to describe it but the decision was now CRYSTAL clear.
Oh wait rewind...not but 48 hours prior to this I had pleaded with Father to be my compass and point me CLEARLY in the direction in which he wanted me to move...THEN came this conversation and yes it was totally translucently clear...beyond crystal clear.
The next day I called my future ex husband at work and asked for a divorce stipulating the conditions...given the bargaining chip I presented he really had little other choice than to comply. What happened next is classified but I will conclude this blog by saying this...
I have once again sojourned to unfamiliar parts, only this time accompanied by the 4 most INCREDIBLE little people on the whole face of the earth (I'm mom I'm biased I know) and we are now embracing the most incredibly OPPOSITE life. We're happy, we're safe, we're loved by many, and we're together. This whole 11 year, 3 month and 7 day process with darling ex hubby (made darling of course cuz he's now an X) was VERY turbulent but it got us where we currently are and life is grand. We lost a lot in the process but were able to keep what matters most...our faith and our family.
Remember, without family, little else matters.
Here is my family...my reason, my why!
Let's go back in time...the year was 1994. After a failed attempt at college in a sunny and warm location, I returned to the land of my birth. Still feeling the need to edge-u-muh-kate myself I decided to attend community college and had a much better go at it. Some of the stress in my life at the time I attended school in the sunny warm spot was gone, I was surrounded by family and had lots of support so I seemed to be more successful.
It's now April of 1995 and with the excess monies I had from financial aid I decide to take a cross country road trip to visit my high school sweetheart I was still a lil (ok no a LOT) crushed on. He, being the gentleman he was and TOTALLY diggin me, took me on yet another road trip to meet my "other" brother. You see, there are two by mom, one by dad...the "other" one is mine by dad...
Anyways so yeah I meet my middle brother, his mom, 2 of my uncles, one of my aunts, and my grandmother. For the first time in 20 years, all in one night....yeah talk about an emotional thrill ride I'm tellin ya. It was AWESOME though!
My dear sweet grandmother....awww I miss her so much...she died within months of meeting me. But alas I'm getting a head of myself in the story....
After returning to the land of my birth from my visit with high school sweetheart, auntie calls and says grandma's not fairing so well and I should come stay with them and have some time with her before she passes...I did just that. On my way to their home however, I stopped off for a rendezvous with the sweetheart...a few weeks after arriving at Uncle and Aunt's house the stick I peed on said UT OH you're having a baby now you better grow up. Well no, really it just turned the color necessary to indicate I was positively pregnant...
Moved into my own apartment right next to the college I wanted to go to but never did . During the summer I worked and spent hours trying to get my head around the fact I was about to be a mom and wasn't married and was LDS and....
Then school begins and my rent triples. My modest income wasn't enough and baby daddy honestly wasn't much help...it was time to again return to the land I hailed from and I began making my tearful goodbyes.
It's now August of 1995 and I'm back in the land of my birth. Living at home, going to school again, (fortunately my little hiatus in a far off land didn't impact classes), and preparing for impending mommy-hood right.
September dawns and I'm forced to go camping much to my dismay. While I can do it, it's totally NOT my favorite thing to do. I kinda like things like electricity and running water along with indoor plumbing and ummm matresses. Digressing again I do apologize...
Upon return from that eventful camping experience I get some very disturbing calls...when finally getting someone in the distant land to answer my call, I get the saddest news I've ever heard. Glorious Grandmother has passed away...I'm crushed and unable to attend the funeral.
On October 17th of that same year I have an ultra sound...finally a first peak at the little bambino who I was SHORE would be a boy (cuz that's just what high school sweetheart's family do) and yet to my amazement the tech discloses "it's a girl." WHAT...I'm ELATED and sad all at the same time...Grandma was right! You see, when we had that tearful goodbye she put her hands up on my tum so gently and boldly stated what the tech just confirmed...a daughter would soon take me from young adult to mommy. Wow, I was totally NOT ready....
Now it's February of 1996 and I've a beautiful little girl. I am still in school full time but working full time too. Sorry but "welfare mom" was never in my top 1 billion most important things to do in life list...
A year later I found my Knight In Shining Armor (not high school sweetheart...us having a baby required us both to grow up but only one of us did....) and after a short engagement we said I do. Three weeks later, my blessed grandfather passes. And 5 months later I was wishing I had said I don't intead of I do...that may be a tale for another blog. Suffice it to say he was not knight, not shining and well WE needed to be wearing armor.
Marriage, complete with assorted trials and tribulations (some huge, others not so big) happens and three months in the stick says another baby is going to join our family...we get excited only to find out the stick lied. Miscarriage number 1. A few months later another stick says a baby is on the way and in February of 1998, yup you guessed it miscarriage #2. A separation, a reconciliation, and finally in 1999, baby number 2.
And then they just KEPT coming...a trip to parts unknown to see a husband accomplish a milestone results in conception of baby number 3 and shortly thereafter we're off to a place of lofty grandeur.
Now would be a good time to get up and stretch....get a drink if you need to, go potty (yeah I know but I'm a mom that's what we call it)...go ahead I need to stretch too. I'll be back.
Ok where was I...aww yes the dim days of Spring 2001....
It's more of the same....much miserableness intertwined with a glint of happiness here and again...alas we did just one thing well and soon baby number 4 is on the way. Yes I had 3 babies in 32 months...am I crazy...not any longer, but at the time, yes, I certainly was.
12 weeks into pregnancy number 6 (4 live births, two miscarriages) not so darling husband decides he's done "playing house" and we file for divorce...AGAIN. He's sent to foreign soil just weeks before the only boy was due and somehow we made it through....
Now it's May of 2002 and a reconciliation has just occured. Promises of change and hope, this and this and that as well, but yes they were empty, as you likely could tell. Fast forward now to April the following year and it's off to foreign lands again for the one I used to call dear...
Don't ask me why I just went into rhyme lame I know sorry....digressing again....I told you I'm new at this bear with me.
Sending my husband and children's father off to war was an experience like never before...looking back now it wasn't so bad but during the time frame there were many days I didn't know if I could drag myself out of bed ONE more time and drudge through the day...somehow though, I did. EVEN when my then 3 year old darling daughter caused a 30k dollar flood...again a tale for another blog perhaps.
So now it's March of 2004 and his tour is up. We had the proverbial honeymoon phase and soon a man that was already bad when angry went from bad to worse...we lived in hell for a little over 3 years, once again with happiness sprinkled throughout.
Have you seen Finding Nemo...you know when they're in the mine field with the sharks...that's what it was like living with him. He was the shark, we were the fish and everything else was the mines. To my surprize however, the tide turned. Some bad habits were stopped and even an ordination to the Aaronic Priesthood....a temple marriage he promised would be coming too. Good thing I quit waiting for it....
He began working locally in July of 2006 and by December I realized our marriage only worked cuz he was never around...I didn't much care for him now that he was. That was the beginning of the end...
Now it's May of 2007 and instead of being a good and righteous example I've followed my husband in unrighteous endeavors. I was MISERABLE. The scripture say Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy right...well there was not even so much as a drop of joy to be found...
I started my own business in May of 2006 and worked obscene hours just so I didn't have to do the "Mom and wife thing". I woke up with him next to me thinking "UGH why are you still here"? I tried and tried, I sacrificed everything, including my morals in an attempt to give him what he claimed he wanted and the only thing I got in return was verbal, emotional, physical and yes even sometimes sexual abuse.
Our home environment was AWFUL, everyone was unhappy, I had no idea where scriptures were so I obviously wasn't reading them, family anything religious caused major contention and to be quite frank....I would end my prayers with and if I just don't wake up tomorrow that'd really be fine with me.
I approach the children one warm June evening and try my best to explain that our family is breaking up. That it takes two to fix what's wrong and I'm the only want that wants or is willing to make the effort, that I just don't love Daddy the way I should as his wife and it's time for him to go. I proceed to explain sort of how divorce works...you know with mom this time, with dad this time....and then everything changed....
Two of my three children present began to tremble...if I didn't know better I'd almost think we lived on the San Andreas fault like cuz they were literally QUAKING in fear. The third began to sob uncontrollably...what came next is pretty much every parents worst dream. Only the perp was Daddy...I was ummmmmmmm....yeah I don't quite know the right word to describe it but the decision was now CRYSTAL clear.
Oh wait rewind...not but 48 hours prior to this I had pleaded with Father to be my compass and point me CLEARLY in the direction in which he wanted me to move...THEN came this conversation and yes it was totally translucently clear...beyond crystal clear.
The next day I called my future ex husband at work and asked for a divorce stipulating the conditions...given the bargaining chip I presented he really had little other choice than to comply. What happened next is classified but I will conclude this blog by saying this...
I have once again sojourned to unfamiliar parts, only this time accompanied by the 4 most INCREDIBLE little people on the whole face of the earth (I'm mom I'm biased I know) and we are now embracing the most incredibly OPPOSITE life. We're happy, we're safe, we're loved by many, and we're together. This whole 11 year, 3 month and 7 day process with darling ex hubby (made darling of course cuz he's now an X) was VERY turbulent but it got us where we currently are and life is grand. We lost a lot in the process but were able to keep what matters most...our faith and our family.
Remember, without family, little else matters.
Here is my family...my reason, my why!
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