Thursday, May 14, 2009

Over You (get your cuppa and get comfortable)

Recently I created a quiz on Facebook about how well people know me. One of the questions was what song altered a course I was on and who is it sung by...

It was a nice summer afternoon and I was hard at work in my office...ok I'll admit I was just at work lol. I was somewhat distracted by some disturbing thoughts. It was a few weeks, maybe a month after I had asked Ex Knight for a divorce and I was OFTEN plagued with thoughts of inferiority and despair. Often consumed by doubting my coping ability, questioning did I really have it in me to endure the death of my family...or at least the death of my family as I knew it, contemplating whether or not I thought I could handle single parenting and coming to terms with the knowledge I'd soo be an "ex-wife" and the list of adjusments goes on.

On this particular afteroon, I was sort-of-not-really listening to the radio. Being audio powered FIRST (solar powered second), I have music streaming almost ALL the time no matter what I'm doing....on comes this song and by the second verse I was absoluetely in tears for reasons I can't even begin to explain. Lucky me I looked up at the satelite display just in time to see the artist and title...Over You by Daughtry. This song forever changed how I viewed my circumstances.

I just told you I was audio powered right? Not only do I pick up song lyrics like some people pick up stray animals, I also pay attention to the quality of the vocalist...what's their range, what octive do they sound strongest in, do they use "with you" or "witchu" when singing (something my Julliard trained choir teacher taught me YEARS ago). In short, I pay attention to HOW the song is sung, not just the lyrics and the score but also the intonation I guess.

After discovering song-title and artist, I immediately began searching the net for more information. Downloaded the track, found the lyrics and after about the 3rd or 4th listen had the song memorized....those of you know anything about my journey the last few years will understand COMPLETELY why the lyrics hit me....

Here's the first verse:

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me

OH MY GOSH are you KIDDING me....that right there said it all. Build me up and tear me down is EXACTLY what Ex Knight would do...and you should have HEARD how he tore me down the last few days of our relationship....I'll spare you that story. Well maybe it's more sparing myself the memory of the story. Yes I found myself quite literally cold and out of breath when our final words were fact, even though I am the one that called it what it was...OVER, I spent the first 10 days or more crying over the loss. Whoever said getting divorced is often worse than mourning a death was DEAD ON and my divorce was actually pretty uneventful and a blessing in disquise.

I believe that in every relationship there is a time when one person loves the other just a little bit more....harmony or "The Notebook" kind of love then (in my opinion at least) is achieved when both people love each other exactly the same...why did Noah and Ally work so well....cuz she loved him the same way he loved her....anyway this isn't about them. I fell hard and fast and my entire world was wrapped up in being Ex Knight's wife and the Minis' Mommy....and, when I started looking back to discover when and where I was at my best...go figure I was BEST without Ex Knight....I honestly let him "get the best of me" often without realizing it and soon realized it wasn't him I loved or even fell was the "him" I thought I could inspire, motivate or guilt into becoming....who he CHOOSES to be leaves a little...aww who am I kidding, it leaves a LOT to be least a lot to be desired by me anyway.

And now the chorus....this has to be my favorite part of this song! It left me feeling empowered from the first time I heard it.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Yes you guessed it...this particular afternoon I was feeling broken. Thinking I'd never get through this and maybe I should just stop the process...the first part of this chorus...."I should have started running a long long time ago," that was a kidney punch...I was journaling 5 months into my marriage how I thought I made a mistake, that I was afraid he'd kill me or my kids and yes I should have ran very far very fast at that very moment. God has a plan though...if I had run five months in, I'd not have Minis 2-4 and I'm very little without my children (even when they drive me crazy). I'm glad I didn't run at the 5 month mark because I got my youngest three however I SHOULD have...(a few more lines) and then Chris sings...."I'm FINALLY getting better"....emphasis on finally. Later it's "'cause the day I thought I'd never get through...(an interruption of sorts) I got over you. Those lines are sung ummmmmmm what's the best word to say....deliberate I guess. The music slows a little bit, the words are sung with more intensity, and the last line..."I got over you" interupts the holding of "ough" on "through"'s fabulous... I continue listening with a careful ear....

Second verse NOT same as the first....

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Oh man...this was MY verse...if EVER one single verse of song (aside from spiritual ones) spoke to me this one did. Chris is using "hammer to these walls" figuratively however Ex Knight did this quite literally. The hammer being his fists....I can't even count how many holes he's punched in the walls of the homes we've lived in while together....not on all my fingers and all my toes plus those of all my kids, and all their classmates and all their parents and....yeah it was a LOT. My favorite part of this verse though is "and when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up, so did my eyes so I could see, that you never were the best for me."

NO JOKE folks....just a few days before I heard this song I was having a conversation with a good friend and I told her this same thing almost exactly. I remember telling her that once I took off the rose colored glasses and could see Ex Knight for who he WAS and not who I wanted him to be I could freely admit he wasn't good for me. Over the last 10 years of my life, the times I was at my BEST were times he and I were separated or he was deployed. We also discussed how so many doors had opened since removing him from my home...I was discovering joy finally and people noticed it as much as I felt it. The chorus then repeats a few times with emphasis all the places I needed it most and I was HOOKED.

No, I DID NOT see Daughtry on Idol....yes, I really had no idea who he was when I heard this song. I do now however....when a new artist has me loving everything they do, I study them. I discovered Daughtry was going to be at the State Fair for a concert the following month...I HAD to go....I just HAD to. My amazing Visiting Teacher kept the kids for me and away I went. It was worth EVERY cent I paid and more....and he and his wife even waived to me when his tour bus left the fairgrounds.

This song was divinely inspired for me. It came at the PRECISE moment (ain't it amazing how perfectly calibrated God has our lives) I needed it and was or is what I believe Elder Bednar would call a "tender mercy" from the Lord, and though he doesn't know me from Adam, I think Chris was inspired to write this song for me and me alone. And now, here is a short clip of Chris Daughtry singing my divinely inspired song at the concert...unfortunately I didn't have enough juice in my camera to record the whole thing, nor did I think to start recording at the beginning but....

Over You became my power music for a very long time...any time I KNEW I was gonna have to deal with Ex Knight I listened to it on repeat till I felt like I had what it took to deal....any time I saw or heard from Ex Knight unexpectedly I listened to this song...and when I had temporary lapses in my judgement and considered staying with him, I listened to this song....haven't listened to it in MONTHS but yes, it's still empowering for me, even now as I listen and enter this blog.

Ex Knight I'm so glad I got Over You! Thanks Daughtry for writing/recording a song that helped me do it! To see the Over You video, please click here.

1 comment:

Laura said...

LOVE THIS! LOVE IT! Look at what a strong woman you have truly become! My husband loved Chris during Idol... hey you should print this off and mail it to Chris. Songs have helped me through many of my struggles so glad you have had this to help you!